Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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loverofstories 03/25/2015

In my last post I had come to the realization that my marriage was over (he's a serial cheater, and it's not going to change), but I was struggling to find a way and a time to say it. Well yesterday, after texting back and forth with someone (I have an idea who but I didn't press it) all evening, he decided to ask me bluntly what we were doing, and whether it was over and we were separating. I was a little surprised as he's been content to pretend everything is peachy, so I kind of brashly responded that yes, it was over. I went back downstairs with my kids and texted him to let him know that it wasn't the way I had wanted the conversation to go - that we both knew this has been a long time coming, and that although it's not what either of us hoped for, it's where we're at now. He agreed and we spoke briefly back and forth, very civilly and without any blame or negativity. We agreed #1 to have a discussion sometime soon when our kids aren't home about what exactly we're going to do (our situation is a bit complicated as we are military stationed overseas and I want to stay here until our tour is over), and #2 not to tell our kids until we figure out what we're doing and have something concrete to tell them. All seemed well, right?

Flash forward to today (the day after this conversation). He'd called me earlier from work and everything seemed fine, he even said he still wanted us all to go on a short weekend trip we'd already planned as he thought it would be good for the kids/family. When he gets home after work though, he's very rude to me as I'm trying to ask him about our flight options for the trip he just called me about earlier that day and said to go ahead and take. "Whatever," "It's your trip do whatever you want", etc. I ignored the rude comments because I'm trying to keep this civil and not start an argument, and went into the kitchen to make dinner. Shortly afterward, he comes in and with a very heavy attitude says "Just so you know, I'm not going to be here this weekend." I said, "What is that supposed to mean?" and he said again, rudely, "That I'm not going to be here this weekend." I asked where he was going and he told me I didn't need to know, we were separated (he said this very loudly, with our kids right in the next room which I was upset about) so I don't have a right to know anymore (let's ignore the fact that we have kids and you can't just walk out on them like that - I can't even imagine if I tried to pull that). I told him that we hadn't even had that discussion yet, we hadn't agreed on anything and that I really didn't appreciate his rude tone. I said that I really wanted this to stay civil, and there was no reason we needed to speak to each other like that.. he agreed, and then said he shouldn't have said it the way he did. However, seconds later he was speaking very rudely to me again with a smirk on his face the entire time, like he felt like he had some kind of upper hand or something? He tried to drag me into an argument about the past but again, trying to be civil, I simply said that I wasn't going to go into that because it wasn't going to do either of us any good. He agreed but continued to be nasty toward me, and at one point stated he could "just divorce me if he wanted to" (my children and I won't be able to stay here for the rest of our tour like we want to if we are legally divorced, so we will just remain separated for the time being and have already agreed to that). How am I supposed to deal with this kind of unreasonable immaturity?! I just want us to both be civil about this - not to mention that if anyone should be irrationally upset it should be me as I'm the one that's put up with his BS for 9 years - but it's impossible to be civil when only one person is behaving like an adult. Anyone have any advice?

Also, I am fairly sure that he must have spoken with his latest OW today before he got home, and that's why he approached me in the confrontational way he did. He has NEVER threatened me with divorce like that and even just last night, he said that he just wants to make sure the kids and I are taken care of no matter what. I have a feeling the OW riled him up and probably said things like "you're separated, you can do what you want and it's none of her business," and egged him on toward divorce.. he's always been easily swayed in that way and this is really upsetting to me as it's not just me and my life being affected here, it's my children. However, I have a feeling that if I bring this up he will of course deny it.. anyone have any tips there either?

Thanks guys.

broken234 03/25/2015

Our situations are somewhat similar with the except of is being stateside and my husband could move out. My husband left me and our children and has been seeing an OW. He too can be rude and say arrogant things, mean things to me. I also find that he is like this when he has been with the OW. First off, just because you too agreed to separate doesn't mean you are no longer married. If he is in the military he would be stupid to act like he is single. Doesn't the military frown apon adultery. When my husband was in the military it was a big deal. My husband sort of thinks a long the same lines. He declared he is separated so it is so. I would suggest finding someone on the base to give you some legal advice. Find out what your rights are. Try to keep your conversations focused on your children. Focus your energy on your children. Don't wait too long to have a discussion with them. I waited a number of weeks longer than I should've and it back fired a bit on me. I did a lot of reading about how to tell them depending on their age. Also if you keep it civil regardless of how he is acting he will end up feeling like a fool. It will be hard but try your best not to engage. He wants to get a rise out of you. Don't let it happen. If he doesn't want to go on the vacation go without him. My husband doesn't want to answer to me. That's out of my control. But what you can request is that you have a discussion about the kids and build a schedule of when each of you will be caring for them. That way you can have some time for yourself too. How much longer do you have left overseas. I doubt your husband can get a divorce that quickly overseas so to use that as a threat is obsurd. Find out all you can. Knowledge is power. Hang in there. We are hear for you.

refurb 03/25/2015

To me it does not make any sense to pretend "for the children" if the children mattered he wouldn't have been cheating

to take them on a fake weekend is deceitful, do not deceive your kids

their world they know will crumble, don't plant any seeds of doubt about how trustworthy you are in their head, unless of course you are not trustworthy

charming37 03/25/2015

All you can do is remain civil and level-headed through whatever you will be facing over the next few months. Your children will only handle this as well as you do. It sounds like he knows the right thing to do in respect to this kids, but his other brain is taking over. He may come around, and he may not. In either case, your children need you now, more than ever. When she gets her claws in him, expect his behavior to worsen for a while. She'll be insecure about the idea of him leaving her to go back to you. So she'll kick things into overdrive until she feels like she's got him all to herself. I have started counseling with my kids to help them with the stress of all that they are going through. Be strong, be civil, and don't do/say anything you wouldn't do/say in front of a judge. Your children may be confused and upset for a whole. They may even be angry with you because daddy didn't live you enough to stay. But they'll eventually see him for what he is. They'll love him, but they'll love the flawed version, not the dad they used to think he was. Good luck. God bless you.

charliegirl29 03/25/2015

All I Can tell you is to stop being emotionally involved if you are serious and stop playing games because he feels an advantage over your emotions

foundlove 03/25/2015

Just remember that fighting with him is giving him what he wants... he wants to argue and fight. Stay level-headed and the mature one, in the end you will win because he is the one acting like a child, and he's losing a good, faithful person. It's his loss, he's child, and he needs to work on his issues. You're much better off without him. I hope you stay strong through this difficult time.

loverofstories 03/25/2015

@Broken234, thanks so much for responding. You're right, the military does have rules against adultery but it is tricky in that I also don't want to cause him to lose his career and the health benefits my children will receive as a result of that career. It is definitely a threat I can use though, especially as the OW is in the military also - however, I would really like to not have to resort to threats although he seems to be trying to take it to that level. I have done lots of research on all topics (I am a planner, lol) including what to tell them and how to tell them. It's a really sensitive topic for me because I really want to tell them the right way.. I'm really concerned about the effect this will have on them. It's not something I ever wanted them to have to go through. I think you're right though, if I continue being the bigger person he will eventually feel foolish since his attempts to get a rise out of me will go unanswered. I think what's frustrating me about the vacation most is that I will go without him, however, I need to know because if he's not going, I'm taking a completely different method of getting there (driving vs. flying) and I need to book it ASAP. I suppose I should just book it and plan for a solo vacation with the kids, as daunting as that may be. I think I will take your advice about keeping the conversation topics to the children, and figuring all of that out. I don't get any time for myself currently so it will be strange to have scheduled time where he's responsible for the kids! We are still over here for a little over two years, but (current marriage issues aside) the kids and I are all really happy over here, lots of friends, they love their school, and we love the area. So I'd really like to stay as long as possible! I don't have this kind of situation to go back to in the States.

I'm a little taken aback by your reply @refurb, and I am assuming that you aren't implying that I'm not a trustworthy person! I would not call it a deception nor a "fake" weekend. My husband and I do not put on a show or fake anything for the kids, or pretend to be overly happy/romantic/in love - but I don't see any reason why two adults who have had children together can't co-parent in a civil way? I definitely did not reference pretending anything "for the children" other than the fact that I don't want to tell the children we are separating until we know exactly what we are doing and can give concrete answers to questions. I know my children, and my daughter is exactly like me and she will have lots of questions that she'll want answered - is Daddy moving out, are we leaving, do I have to leave my school, will we still see Daddy, etc. - these are things that I want to be able to give her answers to. So I think as a responsible parent, it's a good idea to have had a discussion and have these things figured out before bringing one's kids into the conversation. I also don't see how their world has to crumble, things will change obviously, but if they have two supportive parents who remain involved in their lives which is the ideal goal, it hopefully doesn't have to have the amount of devastation you imply.

@charming37 I agree, I think he knows the right way to go about it but his other brain as you put it is taking over, lol. I guess I knew he might just take off, but I didn't expect it to bother me so much when he did. I think subconsciously some of it is envy, because there's no way I could ever just say "I'm going to be gone all weekend". But then, I guess I never would say that even if I was able to because I wouldn't just ditch my kids!

broken234 03/25/2015

You are right to take some time to have as many answers and want to be on the same page as your husband when it comes to telling the kids. I never wanted to tell them either. Mostly because I had hoped that we would be able to work things out. But ultimately it was me that pushed my husband to tell them and we told them together. I was fortunate to have my husband on board for that part, but you may have to be prepared to tell them on your own. If he doesn't grow up and take responsibility soon, you may need to have the talk alone. My husband has grown very selfish and distant. He still sees the kids on occasion. I hope that changes soon. He just wants to do whatever he decides to do without consequence. Without caring about who he is hurting. It is really unfair to the kids. It sounds like your husband is acting in a similar manner. Charming37 is right...once she gets her hooks in her insecurity will take over and she will do everything to make sure that he doesn't leave her. But we all know the truth...if your husband is a serial cheater, he will cheat on her too. That is why I never get why women who cheat with married men think that the guy will be different with them. They are delusional at best. Crazy is probably a better description. The OW seeing my husband has driven past my house. I assume its because she can't find my husband and she thinks he is with us. Who knows. I won't tolerate any kind of strange behavior like that.

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