Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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JaniceHayes 03/03/2013

HI All,
As I mentioned in previous posts, my ex was a very good boyfriend and I am so sorry that it ended. With that being said, we had a pretty good conversation and over the past year, he did say things and drop hints that things were not the same. I guess I kind of let things go over my head. He did say he loves me and has love for me but the feeling of being in love is not there. He said he questions his decision to end it everyday and wonders if he made the right decision. He said he thinks about me everyday and that it is hard for him too. I could hear it in his voice.. He knows we have a lot of good stuff but, is that enough, He did not suggest getting back together or anything. We just had a good conversation and left it at that. He is starting to date, I asked. He joined a dating website so I am sure he will get dates. One big thing he mentioned was the weight I put on. Yes, he tried to motivate me to go to the gym and go swimming with him but, I didn't go. There are things you do when you weigh 35 pounds less, that at being 180 pounds just does not look right doing it at that weight. When you gain weight you lose apart of yourself and mojo. I admit, I did. This is the first time in my life where I wish I could have a do over....

charliegirl29 03/03/2013

i would like to help but I dont know what you need help with really but since the guy is dating I believe you may be just be toturing yourself?...weight doesnt dictate how much you love somebody.

JaniceHayes 03/03/2013

just wishing it did not have to end. It was more than the weight that ended it but that was part of it. In time I will heal.

deleted_user 03/04/2013

I understand how you feel like you lose mojo (been there... still there, in fact), but a good partner should support you.
Please don't keep beating yourself up.

JaniceHayes 03/04/2013

Thanks, I am fine. I am glad we spoke and cleared the air.

ChiTownBear 03/04/2013

I remember many times, when there were things I noticed about my ex that were not on the same page as me, I mentioned to her how different her thoughts/beliefs were. But then again, there wasn't much she talked about when it came to what she wanted, believed in and so on, so the comments were few and far between, but I do remember saying something a couple of times. But I let those slide over my head too, because I am on that believes anything worth having takes work and there would be differences between two people and just because there were differences it doesnt mean that you shouldnt be together. I do still feel that way now; even about that relationship with her.

It appears he is looking at a lot of "physical" attributes that have been a turn off to him. Whether right or wrong, I think we would all hope that two people could work through whatever they may be. So to me, if something wasn't so "earth shattering" I don't see a reason to not work it out.

I am sorry

ChiTownBear 03/04/2013

oh shoot, I forgot to post my question. So my question is...

if you had a do over, what would you have done differently?

JaniceHayes 03/04/2013

Thanks ChitownBear. My do over would be to listen better. Pay attention to what is being told to me and be consistent. That was one of the things we talked about in the beginning is being consistent. He was very conisistent and I was not. I am not comfortable with the weight I put on, hence the lack of mojo... He used to always say to don't change and I did. I do not have a bad thing to say about him believe me, if I did, this would be easy. I got the vacations twice a year that he planned, the flowers on occassions, jewelry, he cooked and etc.. His family is great and absolutely loved me and I love them back.

deleted_user 03/04/2013

This then sounds like it's very much about weight. I can understand him being frustrated that you wouldn't help yourself, but being 180 is not completely fat and disgusting, and he really should have been able to look past it if he was truly in this relationship for the right reasons. Everyone changes, so you can't tell someone not to change. That's not realistic. You could have worked together on cooking healthy foods or doing some type of workout that you both enjoyed. To me he sounds kind of controlling and weight-obsessive, which sadly I think is a fairly common attribute in workout freaks. This was not the relationship for you. Compatible couples support each other and encourage each other; they don't beat them down and make them feel like shit.

JaniceHayes 03/04/2013

thanks Cheryt, he was not any of those things you described. He would try and motivate me to go swimming with him in the morning, to eat healthier and etc. I made the choice not to follow through and be lazy, the weight was just a small part of the break up. There were other things. At the weight I am, I do not feel comfortable, which would transcend to other areas and he sensed that. I feels his communication with me, fell on deaf ears.

deleted_user 03/04/2013

I understand where you're coming from. I could stand to lose several pounds and could also eat healthier, and I do believe I'd be happier if I weighed less. But I have weighed less and I wasn't any happier than I am now. It's very common for women to tie their looks to their self-esteem. But it doesn't do any good to try to cajole someone into being healthier. It just makes them feel bad about themselves, which is where you are now. Your size is just one aspect of your entire person. Don't measure yourself by that alone. Good people come in all different packages. Look at Oprah: she's been many different sizes but has always been an inspirational person.

JaniceHayes 03/04/2013

yes, Oprah has, she was always little chunky that was her make up, I weighed 125 until I was about 35, then went up to 145-150ish not so bad. Now at 180ish, I do not like. I am more comfortable at the 145ish mark... So, I am taking this time to work on me. Going to the gym, counseling, this forum and etc. Looking to get back out there and date.

deleted_user 03/04/2013

I was kind of the same way, and once I hit my late 30s it all started piling on. I don't like the weight I'm at, but I dont' let it define me. I work out regularly and try to eat right. I'm not going to kill myself to be the weight I was in my 20s because I'm not in my 20s anything. I also think stress has a lot to do with it. I've been under a ton of stress for years. But there's much more to me as a person than my size. It doesn't define me as a person. I have 2 great kids, 3 great pets, my health, and a stable job. That's what's important to me.

2newadvntrs 03/05/2013

First of all dont take this so wrongly but it goes deeper than all that..Its called commitment...Neither one of you made the commitment to move foreward in the relationship to be married..It doesnt last if there is no commitment...Now my advice would have been a whole lot different had you been married...I would have said order you some nice lingerie and enjoy dating again..Be comfortable with your weight it is only in the mind...Im about the same weight , got some fredericks going on and look beautiful in it...Hit a nice hotel bathe together and just enjoy each others company..talk about things because we sometimes get off track.. Love comes and goes from time to time and is felt differently also at times in life its a part of marriage..But ifyou have not made that commitment to begin with there is really nothing to keep either of you leaving...

JaniceHayes 03/05/2013

Thanks 2new, your are right on...

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