Why are you crying?

Suck it up.

I JUST LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING....SMELLS LIKE VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Songs on the radio, things people say that make me think of things, triggers in general that I thought I had a handle on. I was doing pretty good for a while but now having a hard time again.

you can doooo it! go have a good long cry, then get up and get back to it!

trigger of what? seriously.

Triggers of what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBJCl6DTOMs

There you go...that should make you want to get up and get going. LOL

OMG Aggie... ME too!

I was talking to a friend and all I could do was sit there and cry and cry and we were just having a normal conversation!

But I couldn't stop crying. I've been good for the last couple of days but don't blink... I'm sure it will come back

Hugs I completely understand!

Soon I guess it is what should have been - hurting thinking about how things should have gone but didn't. And at the same time what did happen, it hurts still.

Even though so many people have said that it wasn't my fault I still struggle with feeling like I could have done something differently and avoided it.

This is going to sound harsh, but, there is no other way to put it.

He sexually abused a kid. Not only should you not feel bad about the fact he is in jail, but you should be praying that he gets raped in jail.

Why on earth are you not seeing this as dodging a bullet? Seriously, I cannot grasp this at all.

Soon I appreciate you being honest, and I don't feel bad about him being in jail. I wish he would have been put there for longer than he was. What I feel bad about is that my niece was hurt, I feel bad that because I had this man in her life that she was in the position to be abused again. She got it in her birth home before she was adopted by my sister and brother in law and I would do anything in my power to protect her but couldn't. That is what hurts me the most.

Ok, I am going to play explore a bit because something isnt making sense to me. When you say this:

"Soon I guess it is what should have been - hurting thinking about how things should have gone but didn't. And at the same time what did happen, it hurts still"

The first sentence and the second sentence are seemingly talking about two different things. The first being your relationship, the second being what happened to your niece.

You have mentioned this before, so I am wondering if a part of you still wants your exy, and if so, why on earth is that the case?

I don't want him back, no way never. What I meant was that I had an image in my head of the way that my future with him was supposed to. I thought he was a good man that I was going to marry. He was lying to me though and so now I would never consider taking him back.

I know it isn't logical to miss a future that you never had, but my head can't seem to make my heart believe that. I do feel fortunate that I found out the real kind of man he was before marriage or children. Just wish that he had been a different man.

Well, I generally don't like to kick someone when they're down but here goes...BOOT!!!! Now get up and get on with your life! You are worth a lot and you deserve happiness!

im not entirely sure shes refering to the relatioship in the first reply and if she is its actually way more normal than youd think. for one she blames herself for what happened to her niece. totally normal for someone in her position. also just because her ex did what he did doesnt make it any easier. the person she loved did they unthinkable. its one of those things that on the surface doesnt make any sense, but then when you look alittle deeper, you realize not everything is so black and white

You are just like me I think. You saw a lot of potential in this guy and you loved him. You wish with all your heart that he wasnt who he turned out to be. You want him to be the great guy you thought he was and hoped he would be. Its maddening because the potential was there and all he had to do was not lie and control himself in a stupid situation and we are so angry at them for being so selfish and dishonest and for hurting us but we also want them to be we think should have been.

This is what I call "missing your fantasy." I'm still doing it a little. It hurts so bad because you yearn for the fantasy you had created in your head of the this great relatinship with a great guy. Him tearing it to shreds doesnt make you want that fantasy less. Which in a way makes it worse because now you are conflicted with two thoughts

1) I miss my fantasy of the way things should have been and Im angry that its lost and my heart yearns for the guy I thought he was. (we assume that we are missing HIM and that is repulsive to us because he was so bad).
2) He is evil and bad and not good for me so why on earth would I want HIM. Now I feel guilty because I miss the piece of crap. (but you dont realize you are missing the fantasy life you created and that you should cut yourself some slack)

It takes time to recover from that. To sort out the feeling, to realize exactly what you are missing and what you arent missing. Eventually you will be able to step back and say "this guy was a very bad person and didnt treat me or others very well. I'm truly better off without him; I believe that with my head AND my heart. I really wanted the house with the white-picket fence with him but he just wasn't that kind of guy. Someday I'll find a guy that I love and who will love me back the way I deserve. This was a learning experience on who NOT to date and what warning signs to look out for"

Anyway, thats what my experience is right now and you sound a little like me so I hope this little foray into my crazy mind was helpful :)