I finally had 8 hours of sleep after working a 7pm-7am shift. I was at the point of being awake when my phone rang. I was so drowsy that I picked up my phone and answered it without looking at the caller ID. It was my wife. She wanted to know if I got her text from yesterday when she asked, "Can I still come?" I told her I was no longer going to answer that question. I told her I have answered that question many times and nothing has changed. I told her that she has been stringing me along, telling me you love me and you want to come home, but there has been no effort. I told her I know you love me, but you're not in love with me. I told her that time has passed that I first thought we can work it out, but now that reality hit, I can't trust how she really feels anymore. I asked her what happened after she told me that she was going to leave once the other guy's kids go back to school. She said she was talked into staying again. She said the other guy asked her what will happen after two months if she comes back home to me and it doesn't work out. She told me she was afraid if that happened then she will be afraid she would lose the affection and promises she got from the other man. So I asked her why does she want to come back if she is getting what she promised. No answer.

I told her if you are really happy where you're at, then why come back home. I told her if she still feels guilty and that is the only reason she wants to come home, then she has my blessing to stay where she is at. She has my blessing to be happy. I asked her if she wants to marry to the other guy if she wants him to be the father of her kids. She said no. I asked her if she sees a future with him. She answered she could feel a future, but doesn't see a future with him. She explained there were two reasons: one, his anger. And two: his children. She told me when he gets upset, he challenges someone and will get into a fight. For his kids, she doesn't see her being a stepmother to the kids. She said she is not attached to them and doesn't love them. 

I told her I gave my lawyer the address where she is staying and for her to expect divorce papers in the mail. She asked me, how is it that I'm still strong while going through this. I told her I've been doing a lot of reading and reality hit me. She asked me, why I don't hate her. I told her that I love her. For better and for worse. That she was the love of my life. She's been crying throughout our conversation, making it hard for me to bear. She asked if we can ever laugh together again. I told her I remain optimistic in the way life would lead us. 

We had long pauses in between our conversation. I wanted to see how long she wanted to stay on the line with me. When she ended our conversation, she ended it by saying, "See you later" the way we always end our conversation because we didn't believe in saying goodbye. But I told her, that I thought we are past the point of saying "see you later." She told me she knows but was begging me to say it. I told her I don't think I can bring myself to say it anymore. She said then say what I want to say. She was crying, anticipating for me to say goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye. But I choked up. Tears were filling up my eyes and I couldn't straighten out my voice. I told her to be happy, I love you. I hung up the phone before letting her respond. 

I felt like that was our final goodbye. My last time of ever hearing from her. I haven't checked her Facebook status. I've kept my phone off since. I'm dealing with the quietness in my home and I am urging for a companion. I am urging for attention. It still pains me to know that I had someone who I thought would spend the rest of my life with, then suddenly it was gone without real warning. But I know this is temporary. Pain is temporary, it's not going to last. I wished I saw the caller ID on my phone before I picked up so I wouldn't have answered it. But in a sense, I felt like I got a little bit of closure on this.