Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My boss wants to take me to Philadelphia for a few days for training on a new product he wants to get into. I never go anywhere without my family overnight because my wife goes nuts when I bring it up. I sat her down and explained to her what was up and after much heated discussion I got what I thought was a tentative agreement. She said "I won't tell you no, but don't expect me to be happy about it". I told my boss I was in. Now that I brought up the issue that I need to get a passport (Canadian here) she lost her shit, denied our conversation ever took place. Told me she's leaving me if I choose work over our family, bought cigarettes (we both quit years ago) and told me to go to hell if money means more to me than family. I honestly don't think I would care at this point if she left . She's a stay at home mom who complains every time she cleans, never cooks, basically stopped all sexual relations years ago, won't go to councelling with me, won't see a doctor about the depression she knows she has, but we have four of the most awesome kids in the world and the thought of our family breaking up just wrecks my ability to stand up to the threat of her leaving. She moved out once in the past, moved out of our bedroom onto the couch here and there for short stretches. As she is right now. I have the day off tomorrow and I'm supposed to get my passport application in so my boss can book tickets. Would that be choosing work over family? Or sanity and good decision making over crazy irrationality?
She needs to be told very clearly that without your income she is on the street, so not only had you better put your job first, but she'd better fucking start as well.
it's time for her to pull her head out of her arse and smell the roses.
Stop molly coddling her. She's not a baby.
Just tell her.
don't let bullies bully you. They only get worse. Stand against it. Call its bluff. You're letting some twit power trip all over you.
She seems content being miserable (actually in the depth of depression you no longer care or can see a way out.....but the fact that you are trying to throw her a lifeline....and the fact of those four little ones needing both mommy and daddy to be happy and there with and for them.....SHOULD BE ENOUGH INCENTIVE for her to give a damn again.)
Trying to stay faithfully by her side as you are being denied so very much of what a healthy marriage should entail... compassion, support, understanding, sex, encouragement.... this is eating away at you. I think kids are smarter than we often give them credit for....Given your age, yours may be too small to understand, but if not, they are picking up on you both being unhappy and may worry or feel like they have something to do with this.
As Bridgie brought up...this is work....something you need to do. If she will not go, could you maybe skype or chat with the kids each day while you are gone? (Of course this would rely on her actually cooperating on the other end. Would you have another family member or friend with her and the kids that YOU could count on to be sure that exchange did take place? If the kids could see and know their daddy loves and thinks of them rather than a heartless mom telling them otherwise.......)
You are in my thoughts and prayers. If she continues to refuse to get help.....maybe if you get some counseling or join a group to vent and share with others. As hard as it may be....perhaps it is time for you to actually tell her you are going to start to do what you need to for yourself and a healthier life for you and your kids. In the end, they will be happier if you are happy too.
God bless
Why is your wife being so over the top about this? Is there a detail you haven't shared here?
Maybe by just raising the subject that you appreciate what she does at home, and inviting her along, she'd stop being angry about you "choosing work over family". There's nothing wrong with the trip itself, but perhaps this is triggering a memory of something else she is resentful about.
She needs to step it up, but she also needs you too, go on your trip because you all also need your job, living in a shelter with four kids will not be good. Do you have a pastor or a church member you could talk to, ease her into some sort of therapy? Maybe when you get back schedule an intervention something that would force her to confront the problem where it wasn’t just you saying she’s depressed or has a problem, if she heard it from someone else, maybe that would help? I’m just spit balling now! What do you think?
I will pray for your marriage, home, children, job, and situation!
I think there are two kinds of women who say they have depression:
1. the ones that have it and struggle to overcome their shortcomings
2. the ones that don't have it but hell it's a great meal ticket.
If a woman is not prepared to put herself in box no. 1 then a person gets to put her in box no. 2.
Wife needs to take a teaspoon of cement. And so does hubby who is clearly a massive enabler and confrontation-shy. One needs to ask her how long she thinks her family will last without money? Is she an heiress or something? Has she never developed a relationship with money?
Send her back to daddy.
LoveFaith, that's excellent advice, and exactly my sentiment.
Chrisrian, I think you need to deal with this. I would let your boss know that you are experiencing a family situation and that unfortunately, you cannot go this time. If you get fired over it, then you know your place there. If they value you, I doubt it will be an issue.
I think this issue runs deeper than what you're letting on. She's trying to tell you something, and you're not listening or giving it any validity. She may be all the things you mention, but she's also a busy mother of four, and yeah, life can suck. Complaining is a by-product of something else, and it doesn't sound like you're dealing with it if she is reacting the way she is to you going out of town.
Becoming angry over it, is a way to justify going on the trip with an attempt to have a clear conscience over it. Maybe you could sit with her and talk and find out what's going on, and like LoveFaith said, validate what she's feeling. It may be time to start seeing things her way a bit, so you can understand where she's coming from. I think it would be good to make an attempt to figure this out before your family falls apart, and going on this trip without dealing with it, could be the catalyst. She is asking you to choose choose between your family, and your job, so there must be more to this than what meets the eye, if she's being so drastic.
If you resent her and all her complaining, and because of it, have decided that you are going anyway, I would have to side with her on this. You have a problem at home that requires your attention, and going on this trip, is saying you don't care. She may feel that you have done this before in another capacity, hence her reasons for wanting to leave. People don't go ballistic over nothing.
Wishing you well.
Instead of making him feel torn between work and home life, why does she not get a job to help out? If she's doing that then he might not have to make work such a big priority. Since this is his first business trip it sounds like he's been able to stay home more often than not.
Learning effective communication skills and listening to each other is the first step. Going to counseling is a good way to learn those skills.