My husband plans on leaving Friday to make the long drive back to Alaska. We are not fighting - I fought like a rabid dog when he pulled this 4 years ago and I hated the bitter, angry person I became. I just want off this ride with grace and dignity this time, although it is killing my heart. He keeps telling me I'm the love of his life but this is just what he "has to do". Whatever.

Anyways - do I take Friday off work and stay home to 1) see him off, 2) make sure he doesn't take anything other than what we've agreed upon and 3) because I know I will be a basket case at work anyway and am trying to keep my co-workers from knowing what's going on (I cant stand the thought of people looking at me with pity and asking how I'm doing - that's when I break down).

I'm terrified of being responsible for the house and bills on my own, I'm terrified of how lonely I will be. I'm terrified of falling apart again like I did last time and I'm heartbroken and humiliated as my neighbors have already figured it out by seeing him pack all his stuff up to haul to his storage unit.

When I think of all the crappy things he has pulled on me in our 20 years together I know he was never a good partner / husband. But I still love him and will miss him so much. As will the 3 dogs that, along with him, made up our family. Sorry - this post is all over the place. Kinda like me I guess.