Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I was last on this forum 10 years ago when I joined DS and found it very helpful. At the time my wife of 10 years wanted to separate, moved out for six months but we were lucky enough to repair our marriage. 10 years later I am back.
Long story short, there have been changes in our life recently (loss of both of our beloved 13 year old dogs, new job for wife with longer hours and further away, medical issue for me, attempt to sell our house and having two offers fall through) and with those changes I sensed a shift in my wife's behavior. Because of our previous issues, anxiety took over and I started to snoop at her phone and phone records and FB messages.
The second I did that there was no doubt my brain was going to piece together an affair (she had one way back at the beginning of our marriage around 16 years ago) so I found some things I felt were proof and accused her when she arrived at work Thursday before I was headed on a trip. She was devastated. Not as much at the invasion of privacy but moreso at the accusation because of how hard she worked to regain my trust and how hard we had worked twice in our marriage to overcome awful issues.
Bottom line is that there is no affair, the stuff was explained away with proof (although there was still a few sneaky things, but certainly not affair driven), she called our old marriage counselor who knows her as well as anyone and told him what happened. I saw him yesterday for therapy and he assured me there was no affair (he was the one who immediately knew she was having one 16 years ago) and my anxiety and fear of losing her after losing our dogs led me down that dark path.
Now everything has changed. My wife is pissed, distant, punishing and is possibly on the brink of being done forever. This triggers my PTSD (childhood stuff) even more and I am trying to keep it together.
I could use some friends who are struggling to keep their marriage together or dealing with the loss of a relationship because right now I feel our relationship has been forever changed and we have a long hill to climb if she wants to work on it.
Tried to keep it short but please message or friend me if you'd like to get support and provide support. This is so sad and scary.
I have been married over ten years, there have been issues, believe me, and there was a particularly rough patch where the trust was broken and suspicion flew back and forth between us. It was one of the most difficult times in our marriage, but it was also the catalyst for our greatest joy! Although we didn’t see a therapist for too long, I believe it would have helped us to heal faster, continue to see the therapist, one; two, plan a night or day just for her, your apology and present all in one. End the evening talking, explain to her your motivation for the suspicion, tell her what you like, dislike, about your situation, and make plans to improve. Ask for constructive criticism and seriously work on it, if you all are religious, find a retreat or join one of your churches small groups or something like that. Find a hobby or something you two could do together that is new and something you both would enjoy. The latter two suggestions are what healed my wife and me. I love her more today than when we first married!
Honesty and communication are what’s needed enfieldguy, where you all want to go, how do you want to precede as a couple etc.-have the deep conversation, who knows, it could all be something as simple as misaligned needs and desires. I am hopeful enfieldguy, what do you think?