Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my 2nd time creating a topic. I sit here a little over 3 months into the bomb being dropped onto my relationship. I won't go into all the details again, but I found out my wife was talking to another man. That led to numerous conversations, confrontations, lies, and ultimately me filing for divorce. I tried everything to save our marriage, but as many of you know on here, it takes two for a relationship to work.
There are many things that run through my head...so many questions. How long has she been having this affair/relationship? How long was our marriage real for? When did she stop loving me and start faking it? And the biggest question of all for me, how long have I been being used for? I am a pretty smart man. I have a very good ability to read people, but I truly never ever saw this coming. How could I be so blind?
Unfortunately, I have to share my house with my STBX until the divorce is final in February. I ask all these questions to myself because she goes about her day, everyday now, as if nothing is happening or has happened. There is no remorse, no hint of sadness, no emotions about our situation. If someone even remotely cared about you, they SHOULD show compassion. Where did this go? How did I become meaningless to her so quickly?
Before I found the first text of her talking to someone else, we were getting ready to buy a new house and formally adopt her son.
I know no answer is going to magically heal my wounds, but I just have so many questions and little to no answers. I feel silly, stupid, and degraded. Was I used and if so how long? Was my marriage fake?
I think it was real, but I honestly don't know when it changed.
There are many things that run through my head...so many questions. How long has she been having this affair/relationship? How long was our marriage real for? When did she stop loving me and start faking it? And the biggest question of all for me, how long have I been being used for? I am a pretty smart man. I have a very good ability to read people, but I truly never ever saw this coming. How could I be so blind?
Unfortunately, I have to share my house with my STBX until the divorce is final in February. I ask all these questions to myself because she goes about her day, everyday now, as if nothing is happening or has happened. There is no remorse, no hint of sadness, no emotions about our situation. If someone even remotely cared about you, they SHOULD show compassion. Where did this go? How did I become meaningless to her so quickly?
Before I found the first text of her talking to someone else, we were getting ready to buy a new house and formally adopt her son.
I know no answer is going to magically heal my wounds, but I just have so many questions and little to no answers. I feel silly, stupid, and degraded. Was I used and if so how long? Was my marriage fake?
I think it was real, but I honestly don't know when it changed.
I'm sorry you Are going through this. I'm right there suffering with you.
It helps knowing your not alone
Unfortunately, most of us will never know.
Here's what I hope will help. Because, in the end, it's all that really matters.
You said you think it was real. So it was real. For you. That's all that matters.
Even if you got all the answers to your questions, it wouldn't help - not even in the long run. Knowing will only bring more questions and probably result in you beating yourself up even more.
And the thing is, her actions are only a reflection her - not you. She cheated because she has issues. And while it takes two to make or break a marriage, if one isn't willing to participate in the making of a marriage, that means they are breaking it. (at least IMHO)
What you're more than likely feeling right now is deep grief. You are not only grieving the marriage and the loss of the person you love but also her son. The best thing you can do for yourself is to acknowledge your feelings and honor them by allowing yourself to feel them.
Ultimately, the only person who can give you any closure is you. It has to come from within. It's a tough road, but you will make it. Just be kind and patient with yourself and give it time.
~healing hugs~
I have learned to accept, from early on actually, that there are no real answers, other than the cheater feels entitled to do as they please, and we are the collateral damage. That brings a certain amount of clarity, but does not answer how or why the person we loved and trusted turned into that person.
Someone once advised me though, to let go of hoping that he could or would ever answer my questions. They said to me that you cannot expect the person who hurt you to help you heal. You cannot look for closure from someone who is themselves so damaged that they thought cheating was the solution. That made sense to me, and helped me to let go of my questions, for the most part. We all have bad days and bad seasons. But it really does get better. As I said above, this is my "hard time," but it is leaps and bounds easier than last year and the year before. You will get there too, it's just one day and one step at a time.
((HUGS))
This stance come from weeks of reading all these postings on support sites like this in which so many innocent and somewhat flawed people have be leveled to their knees by horrible people and these victims then (i such a frail and self-doubt filled state) give away any remaining dignity they have within them in an all our effort to appease the leaving partner. It unhealthy... Open your eyes... These disgusting and hurtful people are awful people. Let them know they are and by doing this and taking this approach and mind set you will instead strengthen you emotional state, not weaken it. If there are issues to be addressed so be it... do it in such a way as to leave all parties self worth intact. Nobody should be brought to there knees. What kind of love is that??!! Its not. Its disrespect for the dignity of the other party.
Hard as it might be, try focusing on other things. Focus on YOU, and what you want, and what you DON'T want. Start building a future for you.
Is that the person we loved and who did love us...CHANGED
And no longer are the person that we knew and loved
something changed in their brain chemistry and caused them to no longer love us....and treat us with no consideration or love
they then try to justify their awful behaviour by attacking us because they cannot deal with the GUILT and self blame