Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Thought this weekend was going to be nice and relaxing. My mom was in town. I had the kids all weekend. We were going to the zoo to have a nice day we could hang out together.
Apparently at the ex's house there are no rules. It's just do what you want fun Disneyland all the time. Ettiquite is out the window. Polite conversation is out the window. Listening to parents is out the window. If I have to hear "But mom and <new boyfriend> let us do this" one more time I'm going to scream.
So, instead of getting to enjoy my polite little boys I had to spend the weekend in "dad" mode.
No, don't pick your nose, here's a kleenex.
No, chewing with your mouth open is not acceptable.
No, back-talking is not acceptable.
No, refusing to do what I asked you is not acceptable.
Yes, you have to eat your vegetables. I know you like them, you've had them many times before. Even if you didn't it's my job to make sure you eat a balanced meal.
Yes, I mean it when I say it's bedtime.
And on and on and on...
So, now that I'm the 'mean' parent that's enforcing the rules they've lived with forever I'm feeling horrible. I get so little time with them anyways that it felt like I didn't get any quality time with them. We get back from a day at the zoo and all they want to do is call MOM and tell her about it. Nothing like that knife in the gut, the cheating, family destroying bad example is who they want to call. She's the fun one with no rules.
Managed to make it through drop off yesterday without losing it. Got home and went into a 45 minute rant to/at my mom. Fun topics like how does she get to be the cheating slut and not have any consequences, shame, remorse or guilt? How am I the one trying to do the right thing and totally crushed in the deal? How in the F does she get majority custody if she's going to be spending all of her time on the new boyfriend and letting my kids run wild? How could my kids want to spend the little time they get with me talking to her? Where is God in all of this? Where is the justice in this world?
Mid rant I threw a plastic cup full of apple juice at the wall so I've got that to clean up when I get home tonight.
Packed up all of my Bibles, study books, etc last night and threw them off the back porch. My mom interceded before I could find a lighter and get them to the fire pit.
When are these totally F'd up days going to stop? I don't care what she does anymore as long as my kids are OK but, from what I'm seeing they're on the path to not OKville.
And here I had a couple of pretty good days before this...
I had rage when i started divorce Care it took me
awhile to get it down and work Thru it to get to
forgiveness, now i have healthy anger.
I had even Been in alanon and therapy for two
years before he left and i still developed rage.
That is something That needs to be worked out
somehow. Its poison to You And its scary. HUGS
Meanwhile the ex get to continue being the 'cool' parent while systematically undermining my relationship with my kids.
I wish I could just tell her to piss off and never see her again.
I really hope they do realize someday that I'm the one that's there for them always. You never know, I'll just keep being there for them though.
She kept the kids home from school today since their allergies flared up. Went out golfing with a friend and was able to completely clear out my mind of all the crud that had built up.
The only "rule" is that you must follow House Rules wherever you're at. School rules at school, grandparent rules there, at your friends' houses you follow their parent's rules, at mom's place you follow her rules, and here...you follow mine.
When school rules are different, I don't want to hear about them. Same with if your grandparents let you do things that you don't have to do here, and most of all...I don't want to hear what your mother lets you do there.
The ONLY thing that I need to know...is that, whatever her rules are or aren't...you're following them.
THAT, shut it all down. Yes, he let the kids stay up until midnight, 2am, whatever. Yes, they could watch TV or video games 24/7. Yes, they'd come home not having had a bath all weekend...it just was what it was.
Kids are more than capable of learning more than one set of rules. Unless your kids have autism issues, or other disabilities, your kids are more than capable of learning more than one set of rules...within a day. It's not confusing. It won't scar them for life. If they can cope at a friend's house...they can get through this.
Is it fair? No. But it's what being a good parent is all about. I can tell you that 10 years down the line, it will all pay off, but that really doesn't help for now.
And too...if kids see a crack...they'll manipulate this to the max. Don't bite. Just stick with Her Rules, My Rules...and walk away.
I'm stressing that my rules are the same ones he's had for years (yes, the family rules from before). I'm still there for him always, he can always come to me and I love him always. I can't really do any more than that.