Are you sure you need to test him? Maybe just work on acceptance that your life is changing and to get you and your furry ones set on the right path. I caught my ex wife having online affairs and never forgave her. The love will always be there for her but now the anger and contempt is always there too. It took me a decade to understand that she is best completely out of my life.

You don't need to test him. He has already told you he intends to keep the relationship. I think you are just hoping. My EXH was the same, he did have affairs throughout the marriage and when I found out he swore it off and said never again, but he was still going to have all these female friends. He believed if there was no physical intimacy, then it wasn't cheating.

A good book on the subject is titled Not Just Friends. It's by Shirley Glass. I highly recommend that and marital counseling. I think this can still be turned around with a good therapist.

First I can tell you that when I found out about my wifes long affair she took her time ending it. His birthday was a night they had been planning. So she told me she would end it after. I think she wanted to see if there was enough with him to leave our marriage. It hurt worse than the affair itself. I never should have stayed with her after that. It haunted me for years. So I can say that if he finds a way to see her on that day. RUN. But also any connection has to stop. For both of you to move to on.

Your test is perfect. You already set the boundary with him, now watch and see if he respects it. Don't tip him off that this is the decision maker. You know if you do, that he'll behave only as long as he has to in order to get his way.

I kind of feel like my response is in the minority... But you as an individual deserve someone who wont betray you. You will be happier not having to constantly check or test.

Adultery- see this is the shit that pisses me off he has you right where he wants
you- I stayed with an ex after he got caught at a hotel- just to see if I could
salvage a friendship- translation to a man- they can have their cake and eat it
too.Yes RUN.Go back and think if these romper room games are what you signed up for.You sound strong now- but believe me if you stay in this-a
transformation starts to happen with yourself- your own morals and standards
are put on the back burner and then one day you wake up and don't have
the strength to stand up for yourself-in fact self will cease to exist.

I may be an exception here, I know that. I stayed married and now that over a decade has passed, we are in a real relationship. The thing we have learned is that we never really talked about our needs. Kind of went with the flow for years. We were young hippie kids when we met and we flowed well together. Once we had kids though we didn’t work on making time for ourselves and we drifted emotionally. She had been home alone for ten years and was ready for a change. But couldn’t communicate that with me. Affair time. It’s taken me a long time to let it go. My confidence was broken for years. The way I moved past it was simple but starting it was hard. I made the conscious choice to stop thinking about it. But first I read a lot about women’s affairs and how they come about. I stopped taking it personally and instead used it as a way to understand and empathize with her. She really responded. She’s been guilty and afraid all this time because she knows how much she hurt me. Now that I matured enough to let it go and live in the moment with her, we are falling in love as if for the first time. Because we understand the reality of being together. No more going through the motions. That was killing the marriage before she stepped out. There many books that can put in perspective for you. Most of all KNOW this isn’t your fault. It’s something he is going through. I think the most pain comes from us feeling left out. Not the actual affair. At least that’s how it was with me. Not everyone will cheat again. Maybe I am lucky, but I believe that people can just make bad decisions in weakness. Me taking responsibility for my part in maintaining a healthy relationship has inspired her to do the same. What I think it all comes down to is wanting to be present and aware of your partner. It’s what we all need to feel loved and safe. Also we need to not need our partners to make us happy. We have to find that on our own and SHARE it. These truths have taken me so long to learn and I suffered for years before I was ready to accept them. For me it is worth it now. If ten years ago I would be shown what I would go through till now I don’t know what I would choose. I thought you all should hear this perspective as you experience the raw pain that comes from an affair. It really is the most hurtful thing one can do to another. Short of abuse of course. Time won’t heal it. Only how you treat yourself will change it. And how you decide to see yourself as you move ahead with your life. Make healthy choices. Eat right, exercise, read and expand your mind. GROW

I don't see a problem with your test except that it's just delaying the inevitable. Sure, maybe he won't see her around her birthday, but will you ever TRUST that he's not finding a super secret way of meeting her? Can you live with yourself constantly doubting him? He's already shown that he feels entitled to deal with his cheating in his own way, and screw you. He's looking for you to be ok with this all? This guy is not to be trusted.

He failed my test as he did contact her but a dose of karma sent his way as she told him to basically go to hell. We are over and it's not even because he contacted her but more because he is only choosing me as a fall back relationship. I think he has a lot of issues to work through on his own before we can even try to fix us. If we can fix us. For now we live together until I'm back on my feet which will be soon. I thank you all for the wonderful input and wisdom and I will continue to come here.

I’m relieved in a way for you. Now you know. And more importantly now have the chance to move on. Seeing that they are HIS issues is the best way to think right now. There was a comment said here that I like. Sort of a mantra actually. Say to yourself; his monkey, his circus, over and over. You will see easily that keeping a distance from his destructive behaviors will help in the long run. Bests!!!!

I am relieved to read your reply dogs4strenght. Not that I am happy he failed the test, I'm happy that you are willing to face the music...even though it is bad music. JoJored is correct. There is trust issues here and he doesn't want to work to rebuild that and he is being a cake eater. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Being married to a cake eater is hell on earth.

I am happy to hear that you can now move on with your life and focus on you and what you want and need. If you ever need an ear to vent, or you are feeling sad or weak, you know where to find us!

Wow all cheaters deserve to die. The fact you are living with him and haven't killed him is amazing. He is lying to you because he is a sociopath. Look it up. There is a support group for that on here. He has obviously got back with you just to assert his power and maybe he needs you as a front so his social circle doesn't find out about his despicable alternative lifestyle. The only testing that needs to happen here is for STDs because I'm sure he has given you some and she likely isn't the only other woman either.

I must say that is a bit extreme to say they must die. If I have learned anything its that all of this is not black and white. When I was younger I didn't hesitate to say that if someone cheated on me we would be done instantaneously but when you create a 20 year life with someone its a lot harder to just end it. He may have lied to me and cheated on me but a sociopath he is not. Selfish yes maybe lost in his life but a true sociopath makes up a tiny percentage of our population.
Although we will not be together in the long run that doesn't mean we have to end on a bad note. I was very hurt by his actions but ultimately I have forgiven him in an effort for me to move forward and become stronger. I say I forgive him (I do) even though we are not going to be together in the long run we are still together today. When we part I want it to be clean and friendly not messy and angry. Life is too short to let others bring you down. I am trying to live by a quote I heard once...If you are depressed you live in the past, If you are anxious you live in the future and if you live in the present you are at peace. I want for all of us to be at peace soon. Everyone in this support group have been hurt at some point and we all deserve to be happy and at peace.

"If you are depressed you live in the past, If you are anxious you live in the future and if you live in the present you are at peace"

LOVE this quote. Thanks for sharing it.

Best wishes to you for continued strength!!