Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Background: My husband and I are separating and will be separated (with a separation agreement) for about two years before we actually divorce. We have been married 9 years, have two children ages 3 and 7, and things are complicated because we currently live in the UK until 2017. STBX is a serial cheater, a habitual liar, and has a drinking/pill problem.
So when we decided to separate, I had originally said I thought it would be best if we still lived in the same house - financially it made sense, he would still be able to see the kids all the time, etc. I am pretty good at separating emotions from things so I thought this would be no problem. At the time, he said he wouldn't be comfortable with living in the same house as me (too awkward, he still has feelings for me, etc.), and that he would go be roommates with one of his friends or something. I was disappointed at first but soon came to the realization that living together would be really difficult when he started just announcing he was going out for the day/night before we'd even told the kids we're separating. I started making plans for living on our own, mentally preparing for an every other weekend type of situation.
On Friday we started to have our talks about finances, visitation, living arrangements, etc. It should be mentioned that financially it would be really difficult for us to support two separate households, so his only option is to be someone's roommate if he does move out. Anyway, the talk was going really well and then I brought up the living situation. He said he had thought about it and really doesn't want to lose all his time with the kids, so he wants to stay living here! It took me completely aback and I don't know what to do now. The more I think about it, the worse of an idea it is. Just yesterday - despite the fact that our daughter was really ill with the flu - he says he's going out for awhile to watch football with some friends somewhere, left at about 1 PM and stayed out overnight. Meanwhile, I'm the one left here while my kids are asking where Daddy is, why did he decide to sleep at his friend's house? Even when he is here, he has problems with alcohol and prescription pills and if/when he is on those substances (he lies about it and hides it), I get really angry and I don't want him near my kids of course. He doesn't act much different - has a high tolerance - but I don't care either way, I don't want it around my kids. I feel like the way he's behaving is going to make it impossible for us to share a home. If he's going to come and go as he pleases, we are just left hanging here not sure if he's going to be home that day, if there's going to be 3 or 4 of us eating dinner, etc., and I don't want my kids living in that kind of uncertainty all the time. I know part of it too is my feeling that it's unfair that if we are sharing custody and a home, why does he just get to announce last minute that he's leaving and go do whatever he wants without having to be sure that I'll watch the kids? We are BOTH parents.
I don't even know if any of that made sense. But does it seem like living together is going to be a disaster? I feel like it does, but I'm not sure how to say that tactfully while not pissing him off. He is financially supporting us for housing at the moment and will continue to do so due to our current living circumstances overseas, but I don't want that to hold me back from doing what is going to be the best and healthiest situation for my kids.
So when we decided to separate, I had originally said I thought it would be best if we still lived in the same house - financially it made sense, he would still be able to see the kids all the time, etc. I am pretty good at separating emotions from things so I thought this would be no problem. At the time, he said he wouldn't be comfortable with living in the same house as me (too awkward, he still has feelings for me, etc.), and that he would go be roommates with one of his friends or something. I was disappointed at first but soon came to the realization that living together would be really difficult when he started just announcing he was going out for the day/night before we'd even told the kids we're separating. I started making plans for living on our own, mentally preparing for an every other weekend type of situation.
On Friday we started to have our talks about finances, visitation, living arrangements, etc. It should be mentioned that financially it would be really difficult for us to support two separate households, so his only option is to be someone's roommate if he does move out. Anyway, the talk was going really well and then I brought up the living situation. He said he had thought about it and really doesn't want to lose all his time with the kids, so he wants to stay living here! It took me completely aback and I don't know what to do now. The more I think about it, the worse of an idea it is. Just yesterday - despite the fact that our daughter was really ill with the flu - he says he's going out for awhile to watch football with some friends somewhere, left at about 1 PM and stayed out overnight. Meanwhile, I'm the one left here while my kids are asking where Daddy is, why did he decide to sleep at his friend's house? Even when he is here, he has problems with alcohol and prescription pills and if/when he is on those substances (he lies about it and hides it), I get really angry and I don't want him near my kids of course. He doesn't act much different - has a high tolerance - but I don't care either way, I don't want it around my kids. I feel like the way he's behaving is going to make it impossible for us to share a home. If he's going to come and go as he pleases, we are just left hanging here not sure if he's going to be home that day, if there's going to be 3 or 4 of us eating dinner, etc., and I don't want my kids living in that kind of uncertainty all the time. I know part of it too is my feeling that it's unfair that if we are sharing custody and a home, why does he just get to announce last minute that he's leaving and go do whatever he wants without having to be sure that I'll watch the kids? We are BOTH parents.
I don't even know if any of that made sense. But does it seem like living together is going to be a disaster? I feel like it does, but I'm not sure how to say that tactfully while not pissing him off. He is financially supporting us for housing at the moment and will continue to do so due to our current living circumstances overseas, but I don't want that to hold me back from doing what is going to be the best and healthiest situation for my kids.
broken234
I hate to say this but are you sure that he will not drink and use pills when he is alone with the kids? Do you trust that when its his time with the kids that he will refrain from using substances. It sounds like you are in a really tough spot. I think that separate living spaces are necessary for your healing, but it may be difficult for you. Perhaps you can have separate rooms in the house and you both work out a schedule where regardless if you are home, he is responsible for the kids. Its a tough spot to be in. Hang in there. A solution will present itself to you.
loverofstories
Nope, I'm not confident of that at all. My solution was going to be that when it was his weekend, he would have to take a breathalyzer and a home urine test (not that it would prevent him altogether, and there are ways around them) before and after. I hoped it would at least deter him and show that I'm serious about him not seeing the kids if he's doing those things. But in a more convoluted situation where he's here and not just coming for the weekend, that becomes more difficult because even if it's not "his time" with the kids, however that works, he still may be around the kids. It's 3:15 PM the next day and he still hasn't come back from yesterday afternoon, haven't heard from him except one text this morning asking if the kids were okay. I think I'm just going to tell him he's going to need to find someone to stay with.. It's too confusing for the kids to see him just disappear without any answer as to why or where he's gone. I worry that they will eventually see it as their dad choosing other people/places over them.. At least if he wasn't living here, they won't visually see him making that choice constantly.
broken234
I totally agree with how the kids will perceive his absence. They will believe that daddy has other things to do that are more important than them. Maybe if you approach it in the context of confusing the kids he will be more agreeable to finding a place to stay.
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