I do the no contact thing yet I still run into him. The thing is, we don't live in the same town, there's no reason we should run into each other except he comes to the town I live in. Today he approached me at Walmart and was all happy to see me, said something about looking for running lights on white cars because then he knows it's me (wth???), wished me a late happy mother's day, etc. I wasn't making any attempt at conversation and was not being friendly. He said to me "You're being a little bit..." and I said "A little what?" He said he'd see me and walked away. I made it to the car before the tears started and have felt like I want to vomit since seeing him. I hate that almost 10 months later I still feel like this. I know all about grief (two years ago I had 5 deaths in my family in 9 months...believe me, I know about grief) but I'm so tired of it. I feel like there's this part of me that's broken and is never going to heal.
Now I just want to contact him and say "What is it you want from me?" Not that there's any point to it and I'm not sure I really want to know the answer. He made choices last summer, I wasn't one of them. I was blindsided and devastated when he left. On top of that, I had to tell him to stop contacting me because he thought we were going to be friends. I had to essentially sever the relationship a second time, as if once wasn't hard enough. I just don't get it...and I know I never will. I just wish the hurt would stop and I could move on with my life. I've done everything I know to do...counseling, antidepressants, exercise, being busy, talking with friends, giving it time, etc. but some of this is out of my control. Ugh.