i wish i had the answer. i to struggle with moving on after realizing 8 years of giving with nothing in return, i should be relieved. gosh this is a frustrating position to be in. we know all the right things to do, so why can't we just move on and be happy.

I am reading a book called "rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher which is helping me to realize that this time, divorce, is a time that we feel the least amount of self worth. They have recommended telling yourself how worthwhile you are. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. For me, it took a longtime to give up my self worth by constant rejection by my stbx. It will take me awhile to bring it back. But I want it and am willing to do what ever it takes to get it and never give it away again.

I am feeling the same way right now. Is a lack of self respect or is it the fact that you have a heart and you are a good person and she is not? Don't call loving someone a lack of self respect. OK, so you love her and miss her and still love her, but are you going to subject yourself to that again?

How? What a good question. You have the moral high ground. My first marriage ended in the same fashion. Do you recognize the advice?... "I encourage you to take care of yourself, like we are all trying to do here. It is painful to lose someone, no matter what the circumstances". One day at a time, the hurt will slowly pass. You do not lack self-respect, obviously you have plenty of integrity and self-respect. You looked at a bad situation and said, this isn't right. It hurt but you made a tough decision. Dare to smile, you can do it. Best of luck. deggar

If you kept subjecting yourself to such poor treatment then you might have a lack of self respect, but just because someone treats you badly and you still love them does NOT mean you don't respect yourself or love yourself. It means you have a heart, you are a better person and you deserve better. Now just make sure you know it and aim higher next time :-)

A day at a time.
And some days "head held high" is hard when you feel so much pain.
I talk to myself in the mirror or write in a journal.
I tell myself all the things that I would tell a friend going through this.
You can't turn off emotion like a faucet. If you could, you'd be a sociopath.
I still love my stbx.
Not going back to him, but I do love him and I miss parts of my life with him.
But the mirror talks help.
One plus now that I live alone.
Privacy for mirror talks :)

.

Is it because you are more linked spiritually than physically, by physically I mean it is her body and her 'lust' is a seperate entity from your relationship.

You need to tell her how you feel.

Love comes before pride.

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"Self" respect, it's something you have to find within yourself. Her actions do not reflect on you, she didn't cheat because you were lacking...she cheated because she is lacking...in self respect and moral values. I'm sure she has a lot of excuses and most of them will be directed at you, your short comings. Cheaters will generally try to shift the blame, it makes it easier to live with their actions.

I feel that the man I married is dead, and have to mourn him... I don't know who the person is that is walking around in his body, but it is not the man I loved for 16 years. He changed, I didn't...

Mourn your marriage, mourn your wife, and realise that she is not the same person she was.

For awhile now I have felt the way that you do. I have given my husband every opportunity to come back to me, no questions asked and then I thought, "what the heck am I doing?" Here is a man who left me one night, wined and dined his girlfriend every night practically thereafter, left me to deal with all of the financial obligations, etc, etc. I thought I must be some nut for allowing this man to think that he could come home anytime, but I realized that he had already let go of me, his feelings for me, and the pain that you go through when separating from your spouse, I had not yet dealt with those feelings, I had not yet experienced all of the phases of loss to get to the point that he was. So I allowed myself to accept that bargaining, denying, fear, etc are all part of the healing process. I allowed my husband back several times and we were intimate, and it disgusted me, but I was still holding on to something that I thought was there, finally I said enough. And I finally saw it for what it was, he was liar, a cheater, and not the man that I married. I am not saying it isn't hard oh it is, but I see it a little differently now. You will too. You will see what she has done in a different light, you will put aside those "I know you did something wrong, but I still love you", to "I am appalled by what you have done to me and my family and I will not allow you take away my self esteem, you did this, not me." I can hold my head high and say that I tried to hold on to my marriage and I lived my life the best I could and lived by my marriage vows, but what can he say? what can your wife say? They are the ones that should walk around looking at the ground, they chose this path of infidelity and destruction. Start holding your head high, you didn't leave the marriage, you didn't shame yourself, she did. Take Care.

had all this good stuff to write and kelli nailed it!
Yeah, first, do not tell her how you feel. Do not give her anymore undue power she's weilded over you during the relationship as you mentioned.
Know the only focus you need to make now, is to yourself, your children.
Make sure you sleep well at night. Make sure you eat decent meals.
Your health can detiorate fast during a break up. And yes, your wife's checked out emotionally long before and made it easy with her justifications of why she'd done what she did.
moving on is difficult. there are a plethora of resources here, will tell you to check out the recommendations page as well as the infidelity community. there's more good resources on overcoming an affair, and moving on when your partner bails.
The feelings of wanting her back will dissipate as time moves on.
I tell you for the longest time, I dreamt of my most evil ex wife to come back to me during the divorce, tell me was a mistake and ask to make up.
Time is your answer. That, and family and friends. And obviously DS.
You have the internal strength to over come, you just can't see it today...

Well, you are mourning the loss of a friend and a partner. you are in denial.

the bottom line is once the foundation cracks the buildings structural integrity is compromised. If left unattended the building will deteriorate to condemmed status. (and it takes TWO people to maintain the relationship "building", fyi)

That is where you are at, bro.

No worries, I've been there too. But you will get to a point where you realize that you do, in fact, like yourself....and so do others. Heck, what in the hell was I thinking re: wanting to be in a relationship with such a deviant. (hey, i love me some high maintainance women...what can i say?)

What a post. Exactly what I have felt regarding my ex and have struggled with for the past 6 months since finding out she wanted a divorce. She lied about the affair, who it was with (I knew him. Bottom line is this is a grieving process. Denial, bargaining, depression, and finally, one day, forgiveness and acceptance. I am not at that stage yet and this has most certainly derailed my life. I am just now reclaiming it. She rationalized her actions by placing blame on me the whole time. I took that to heart and asked myself thousands of times "what if I..." Bullshit. While I know the areas I could have been a better partner and have/will work on those areas, it is NOT my fault she is a sociopath narcissist. I have found God and pray a lot, after losing 50 lbs unhealthily immediately after separation, now work out regularly and not as gaunt. Family/friends have helped and this site. Some of the people who have responded to your post are the same people that have helped me a great deal to this point. I usually just read, do not post much but felt compelled with this post as it is EXACTly how I have and do feel. Stay stong brother. The best revenge, "live well". The key for me was ceasing all contact with her for over a month now. It has helped. She was really messing with my head for the past few months wanting to meet, etc. It tore me apart and significantly retarded my recovery. Do NOT make the same mistake. DO not empower her anymore. My best to you.

Tup30, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to borrow your 'foundation' analogy. Its excellent.

I too am struggling with this very issue. It is VERY hard. There are some great replies here. Know that you're not alone. You do have every reason to hold your head high. It's very hard to do but keep a chant running in your head if you have to. I'm NOT the one who gave up, I'm the one still here for the kids. Those 2 thing help me pull it together but sometimes it takes days of talking to myself..lol!