Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Does anyone else notice using self preservation techniques with themselves after going through divorce?
Im noticing this about myself. Well, actually, I notices it long before, but even more so these days.
Especially on Sundays. I want to cringe when they come around.
I have a big, crazy Italian family. They all come for dinner on Sundays. I spend my mornings helping my mother cook all day before they arrive. While on the outside, some think this is a wonderful thing, and it should be, but it doesnt feel that way to me.
I am the only person in my family that has been divorced. This earns me loser status in their eyes. Why? Because, as I was told, It is my fault that I am a single parent and on my own, because THEY told me not to marry that guy.
Well, here is a news flash. I live with that (the fact that I married that guy) EVERY day. I have sole custody of my son, his "dad" sees him once or twice a year, and I GLADLY take on that responsibility.
I find myself pulling away from them to preserve "myself" It kind of feels like the square peg in the round hole deal. They criticize, judge every second they can. I will not take that on from them, they are entitled to their opinions of they way THEY think I should live my life. I also find that I do this with my mother ex mother in law and certain friends. We dont have the relationship we used to have. I dont call to chat anymore.
I guess part of my way of dealing with all of this is by limiting myself to their company. Im not sure if this is healthy, or unhealthy. Just trying to figure it all out and take my OWN inventory.
However, in the meantime, Sunday still gets under my skin.
Self preservation tactics for anyone else? And is this healthy or not?
Im noticing this about myself. Well, actually, I notices it long before, but even more so these days.
Especially on Sundays. I want to cringe when they come around.
I have a big, crazy Italian family. They all come for dinner on Sundays. I spend my mornings helping my mother cook all day before they arrive. While on the outside, some think this is a wonderful thing, and it should be, but it doesnt feel that way to me.
I am the only person in my family that has been divorced. This earns me loser status in their eyes. Why? Because, as I was told, It is my fault that I am a single parent and on my own, because THEY told me not to marry that guy.
Well, here is a news flash. I live with that (the fact that I married that guy) EVERY day. I have sole custody of my son, his "dad" sees him once or twice a year, and I GLADLY take on that responsibility.
I find myself pulling away from them to preserve "myself" It kind of feels like the square peg in the round hole deal. They criticize, judge every second they can. I will not take that on from them, they are entitled to their opinions of they way THEY think I should live my life. I also find that I do this with my mother ex mother in law and certain friends. We dont have the relationship we used to have. I dont call to chat anymore.
I guess part of my way of dealing with all of this is by limiting myself to their company. Im not sure if this is healthy, or unhealthy. Just trying to figure it all out and take my OWN inventory.
However, in the meantime, Sunday still gets under my skin.
Self preservation tactics for anyone else? And is this healthy or not?
This is why it is a good place here - we understand. hugs.
The stronger you get and the more that the rest of the week goes well, the easier it will be for you to weather your Sundays, in my opinion.
They are also all evangelical Christians, something I have now walked away from, so I feel that my every move is often judged as well if it is not the "godly" thing to do. I don't really care anymore.
So I too no longer have the same relationship with them that I used to, & I certainly don't share much with them anymore about things that go one between he and I. It feels like I have had to divorce myself from them too as well in a way, after feeling betrayed & judged by them. I know they love me, and they are still there to help with the kids and stuff, but the relationships are still strained & I hate it. We have to do what we have to do to survive. I have learned to rely more on mySELF, and my good friends now (and my therapist! lol).
Take care of yourself, Sweetie.
You family is free to believe what they want--as you said you live with the reality of choices made and choices not made. Would they rather have you stay with an addict the rest of your life?
When I decided to divorce, my sister was really helpful. I even asked her to tell my mom because I could not do it at the time and my mom was starting to piece together that something was up. However, I made it clear what I did not want to hear. My dad is a very difficult man and I knew my mom and potentially my sister would be consumed with what to tell him, if anything at all. ( It says enough that my mom is afraid to tell my dad that my marriage has ended.) I made it clear that they could have that conversation all they wanted--leave me completely out of it. I need support, I welcome support--if they can't give that--I understand bu keep it to themselves.
If nothing else, lessening contact with your family for awhile until you ares tronger is ok too--or at least telling yourself before going in there on Sundays, that you are not going to be bothered by it one bit.
I also do the same with his family. It's easy because they live in another state and, in between when I visit NY to see my side (of which his side is also there) I don't call them, ask about them, and vice versa. We do the "oh you're still a part of my family" routine, but then I don't want to know about their lives, drama, anything. Essentially, I made sure to divorce them when I divorced him. Again, if I didn't have a kid, I would never see his side because I don't see the point in keeping an ex's family in your life if you don't have to.
Am I trying to live in ignorance? Pretending if I don't know what's going on with him then I can't get hurt? I don't really know. Maybe, at first, it was a defense mechanism, but now I think i have found the spot of comfortably taking him out of my Number One and dropping him down on my list. I think maybe I really am past self-preservation and have begun moving on. I saw him all afternoon for our son's birthday yesterday, then I saw him tonight when he dropped our son off, and I don't have those feelings of longing or love.
I understand what you're saying though. I don't think i would be so quiet if my family felt the need to give me crap about my divorce. Ultimately, it's none of their business.
all you have to make is your famous marinara
I'll do EVERYTHING else
and you already know I think you're anything BUT a loser
(does marinara taste good on carrot and celery sticks?)
Namaste - hey if they choose to be nasty and judgmental then you can choose to be "busy" on Sunday.
I haven't talked to my maternal grandfather for 15 years because during my sister's custody case he told the judge that I told him I was going to lie about my step-dad (my sister's dad) beating us before mom got home every day. He tried to "apologize" later by telling me that he did it because he thought I was lying about it or that mom had told me to lie about it.
When people betray you, you have every right to limit or avoid contact to whatever degree you are comfortable with. You don't have to completely cut them off, but maybe limit how long you can be there be busy for a few of the gatherings. One way or the other, them playing the "I told you so" card is crap.
he's gonna need to go somewhere else for Sunday dinner right? for surrogate marinara. right?I'm trying to help by thinking of all these contingency plans and stuff :)
I don't need to date, or do other things. Life is good.