Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Again, Im off to work, but wanted to post this before I left. I will read replies when I get home.
That said, I want to know, why is it, that when I get into a fight/argument with stbx, he makes me feel worthless. Like everything is my fault, like I am to blame, like, Im insane and mental? He called me the dreaded C word again today! What a great way to start the day! He makes me second guess myself. He makes me wonder if Im right about anything.
I know this is wrong to feel this way, or to think this way, but how come it happens?
I try to tell him the truth about things, and he flies off the handle! He actually told me it was my fault this morning that he called me C and he got so mad at me. Im guessing I still get to him. I hung up on him each time he called back because he was just starting to fight again. (yeah for me!) I told him I really dont care about him and his gf, which I really dont, but he says, yeah right you dont. Like he wants me to be hurt and to care. He didnt believe me! I really could care less about them! Im glad Im not with him any more, and that she is! Let her take care of him.
Sorry, got off topic.
So, Why do I second guess myself like this? Do any others do this, too? Am I wrong, is he right?
I try to tell myself he gets so mad because he KNOWS I am right and he isnt. And he HATES that. All this about being right is concerning our children and the way he treats them, btw. Then it gets into the past and he tells me I left the family, I broke up the family, I did this, its all my falut blah, blah, blah.
Going to work now. Thanks DS. I needed to get this off of my chest:)
I hope you all have a good day, and no one called you nasty names to start your day off:)
Smile:)
That said, I want to know, why is it, that when I get into a fight/argument with stbx, he makes me feel worthless. Like everything is my fault, like I am to blame, like, Im insane and mental? He called me the dreaded C word again today! What a great way to start the day! He makes me second guess myself. He makes me wonder if Im right about anything.
I know this is wrong to feel this way, or to think this way, but how come it happens?
I try to tell him the truth about things, and he flies off the handle! He actually told me it was my fault this morning that he called me C and he got so mad at me. Im guessing I still get to him. I hung up on him each time he called back because he was just starting to fight again. (yeah for me!) I told him I really dont care about him and his gf, which I really dont, but he says, yeah right you dont. Like he wants me to be hurt and to care. He didnt believe me! I really could care less about them! Im glad Im not with him any more, and that she is! Let her take care of him.
Sorry, got off topic.
So, Why do I second guess myself like this? Do any others do this, too? Am I wrong, is he right?
I try to tell myself he gets so mad because he KNOWS I am right and he isnt. And he HATES that. All this about being right is concerning our children and the way he treats them, btw. Then it gets into the past and he tells me I left the family, I broke up the family, I did this, its all my falut blah, blah, blah.
Going to work now. Thanks DS. I needed to get this off of my chest:)
I hope you all have a good day, and no one called you nasty names to start your day off:)
Smile:)
I was being convinced by him that his affair is something to celebrate because he had found true love and they were both so happy!!!
Screw them. If I had had one person tell me he was right, but I didn't. They are so selfish it is unbelievable.
why does it happen? because they dont know how to handle their emotions and dump it out on us. is it fair? nope. and i think we second guess ourselves because we are human. its part of the process. but you are going to be the better person coming out of this.
remember you have the power here. if he starts calling you names again say "you know what? you are my ex. i dont have to take this from you anymore. when you decide to talk to me like a mature adult let me know" and hang up. it works wonders. hard to do - but it is empowering.
good luck to you. you are not alone.
I know I get sucked in because in my own head and personal space, I feel disoriented and destabilized by the divorce process, whereas when he hurls names and accusations, he appears so strong and certain in his belief system. So I know I am rocky, and then when I hear him sounding so certain, it leaves me questioning myself.
It helps when I try and depersonalize it - like, thinking, if I was watching one of my friends go through this and watching a partner hurl those kinds of accusations and names at my friend, what advice would I give the friend?
Others hear have talked about the process of turning off the STBX's voice in our heads and turning on our own self-knowledge. It's hard; keep plugging away at it, and I will, too.
Why does he do this? I asked everyone - and I love and cherish the answers I got - I hope you wll cherish my response.
You must be a very confident, strong woman for your 'man' to feel the need to 'break' you. Calling you names, implying you are crazy - or anything less than beautifully perfect - are all ways of making you feel less complete as a person. If you feel less complete as a person, then you will look to those around you to comfort, guide and support - that is why he is doing this - he is creating the cycle to make you think you need him to counter all those words and feelings. (I hope that made sense). Almost as if he is challenging you to prove him wrong about all the words he is saying - it creates a fight, you get mad, you say something in the heat of the moment, and then *bang*, he drops one of these 'words' and we emotionally shut down - he wins. That's his checkmate, so to speak.
It is a vicious cycle, and darling, it is abusive. Being with some and having them make you feel any way other than completely loved, cherished and wanted - that's not love. I couldn't have told you this a year ago, but I have struggled with this very issue for the year - and you know what, when I truly let him go - all those words, all the bad things he bad me feel - they went away too!
Good luck - message me if you'd like. Take care, and be strong - the stronger you are - there will be less of a chance for him to be able to do this to you (and it is not your fault that this is happening - it is not in any way a reflection of you - IT IS HIS WEAK CHARACTER)
Yes this guy is an ass and is dumping on you but the core issue is that he is an emotionally and verbally abusive person. This is what they do. When they start loosing power and control over you the abuse escalates.
I would not answer the phone or talk to him and if you absolutely have to then the minute he starts to rage hang up. You need to set boundaries with this guy. I did this with mine (who was just like yours) I told him that is was unacceptable for him to talk to me like that and from now on if he did that I would either hang up on him or remove myself from his presence. At first they don't believe you and will continue but eventually they get if they want to talk to you they have to pull up their functioning and talk to and treat you with respect. I never get raged at any more, it works.
And he does not want to hear the truth! You could spend the rest of your life trying to get this guy to believe and understand your reality. All he cares about is his reality and having you or someone else to blame it on. He will never get it you will always be wrong in his mind.
The longer you go w/o talking to him the stronger you will get and you'll be more able to stand strong up against it. Have you looked into the codependency issue. Sounds like that could help you. I recommend Pia Melodys book "Facing codependency" Heres a link...
http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/B000GG4ZL8/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203519652&sr=8-1
She describes all this behavior in her book and how to change how we react to and deal with it, including how to set boundaries.
I hope this helps.
And STOP talking to him he's never going to say "Your right I've been an ass and I'm so sorry" Unfortunately.
Hang in there and get that book... :-)
You all are very smart, intellegent, strong people. I am proud to have you in my life.
It's all about manipulation. He's a fucktard.