Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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steppingup 08/25/2016

I am new to this site and was hoping I could find kindred spirits who can help me as well. I am also in a marriage where the emotional abuse has started after the physical abuse has stopped. I am working fulltime and hubby works when he feels like it. Always have an excuse that he is busy with somehting and uses this as an excuse not to work. Always saying that he needs to work for himself he can't work for a boss. I need to start making plans for a divorce, but due to his moods i am so scared i can't even think straight. I have told him 3 times this year already i want to walk out, I do not have the strenght for this marriage anymore, and everytime he plays the "kids card". He told me he won't divorce me, we will stay married for ever. My oldest daughter wants me to get a divorce (she is 14) and my son cries he doesn't want us to get divorce (he is 12).

I don't know what to do. Everyone just says that it's my decision and they will support me, but I am scared that once I make the decision I will be all on my own. He will verbally (and possible physically) try to harm me. I have been so manipulated through the years thinking that I am an ungratefull person. We are always living in poverty because he can't handle authority and can't keep a job.

I now have to go behind his back and start planning my get away. I am not a sneeky person, I can't play mindgames like he does. I suck at it. And worst I feel guilty for doing this. I have to do it, I am wise enough to know this is an unhealthy relationship (everone who knows us has told me this), yet I have a thousand thoughts telling me I am a bad person for dropping him.

Please can someone just tell me why it feels so bad, hurt so bad, and why do I still care what he feels when he has absolutely no repect for me and my feelings.

bluemoon29 08/25/2016

find a safe place to go with your children. get a good attorney. you are not a bad person. good people get into bad situations. you still care because you're a compassionate person. it's ok to go now. sending healing hugs and strength your way.

mrlonley 08/25/2016

hi....Sadly its an all familiar story, you wont be the first nor the last, been there done that, and i guess since my divorce my children have grown to accept the situation, aged from 8 to 18 now....Time to grow and move on ....to find happiness with another or by yourself....it takes time ...lots of changes and good and bad days ....but there is light at the end of it.....all the best

MVT 08/25/2016

Sending you compassion and strength. It hurts because you have been victimized and traumatized by this relationship...you keep hoping that even there was some magical thing you could do, say or endure, it would change things (him). The only one you can change is yourself. You can't make him be more responsible, more compassionate, more thoughtful. Only he can do that if he wants to for himself.
Try to focus on all the wonderful things you have and provide for yourself and your kids: you are gainfully employed, you are responsible, you are resourceful (look, you found this site!). You matter and your happiness and your children's happiness matter. Change is scary, and those negative thoughts are what get in the way of change, what keep us doubting ourselves and trapped in a situation without a solution. But you can learn to live another way one day at a time, one moment at a time. Focus on what you need, and what you can do to bring more peace, stability and happiness into your life and your kids. I've been there. I've tried to save my spouse. It was just making me so sad, and bitter, and resentful. Life without him isn't easy. It won't ever be easy to raise my two kids in two different households. However, I'm learning that even though it's scary and lonely and new, it is easier for me to be alone than to be in a relationship in which I didn't feel loved, just abandoned.

11Christmases 08/25/2016

I hope you have documented the abuse. If not, start. Discreetly consult with an attorney. Since you are afraid of him, you may want to consider getting a temporary order of protection in place around the time you file. The same divorce attorney should be able to help with that. My son was about the same age as yours when I filed. It was hard at the time, but it was the right thing to do and my kids are doing great now. Hugs to you.

steppingup 08/26/2016

It really does make a difference having someone to talk to and not have to worry that it will be leaked out to my hubby. Thnx so much.

samantha717 08/26/2016

You need to read this book ... "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I ran a domestic abuse support group for six years and this was our bible. It is quite an eye opener. I saw a lot of frightened women do a complete 180 and turn into very strong women after reading even 1/4 of this book. I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it, but you can get it anywhere, even your public library. If they don't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1472231853&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

You also need to get a good attorney and find out what your rights are. Go to AVVO's website and put in your zip code. They will give you the names and profiles of attorneys in your area. Read reviews of them and pick the best three or four to call. Most attorneys will give you a free consultation, but some won't so ask upfront. Call those attorneys, find out what your rights are and how much they charge, etc. and choose one. Also, gather as much information as you can before your husband figures out what you're doing. Get your tax forms, credit card statements, etc. Either copy them or hide them. It's not that your attorney can't get them, but you'll save money if you can provide them. (((HUGS)))

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