I would think you should try counseling, a marriage encounter, or similar tool. Probably nothing happens, but then you proceed to divorce with a clear conscience.

Divorce can be hard and lawyers can pour oil on the fire. With lawyers, you want to be organized, check costs at each stage, and file papers or use the lawyer to accomplish a specific purpose. Note your lawyer will call your spouse an ill-functioning, difficult, and emotionally abusive or words like this, while his lawyer will call you narcissistic and manipulative, and both will call their clients enablers.

Look to resolve the issues in a reasonable fashion and go on to the next step in your life but that's easier said then done.

He doesn’t believe in therapy. Six years ago he agreed to go to 1 session as long as I promised I wouldn’t leave him. It wasn’t productive at all.
I have no interest in dragging him through the mud - I’m more keen on a mediator. I don’t want to hurt him. We have done enough damage to each other.

This is how mine was to a degree. Not worth it to be miserable. Longer you live like this resentment can occur. We didn’t even use lawyers and went through court process. We also have kids. I wish you the best in deciding.

Thank you- I appreciate you so much. I just feel so afraid and lost.

Hi Meggie.

Nice to meet you and I am so sorry you are feeling bad. :-(

I saw your other post, too. I know it's not easy, but I think going out more, and talking to new people and making some new friends would be really good for you. You are still a young woman (compared to me, ha ha), and you should be out and having fun and making some friends that you can spend time with.

If hubby wants to sit on the couch and watch TV, that's fine. But you don't have to,

You were saying your sister goes out? I think you should go out with her, and maybe ask her to go out somewhere that YOU like to go... whether that be to lunch, shopping, art museum, flea market, farmer's market, book store, a hike..... etc. You could suggest something to her, too.

It's not easy to meet new people, but once you do, it makes it all worth the effort.

Welcome to the board!

What I did about a dozen years ago was to take pen to paper and make a list. Pros and cons of the marriage or of divorcing him. I realized I was going to have to divorce him. But divorce won't solve your problems in life, you will have a lot of upheaval and change. For me, it liberated me but it also did some bad stuff, too. My ex did parental alienation so some of my kids estranged from me, the one good parent. Go figure. But I ended up with more money and a new marriage with a good man.

I like to say it this way, is your husband a good human being? Think that over. Is his focus totally on himself, he comes first, will not consider your feelings.

Or will he swim through shark infested waters to bring you a lemonade? This is from a USA famous radio psychologist. But it says a lot. If our partner would not swim through shark infested waters to bring us a lemonade, then we have to acknowledge this. My current husband has lots of faults and personality quirks but he absolutely would swim through shark infested waters to bring me a lemonade. My former husband would say you come over here to land as I am not getting wet.

If you think this through and decide he is a good human being who truly loves you just is set in his own ways, then think about what you actually want different in the marriage. Write out that list of what you want different. Really think this stuff through. So maybe you want him to go on a walk with you each evening holding hands. Start small and tell him what you want without blaming him for not doing it. Just say, I want to do this and then you must be pleasant, you much praise him for doing it, and you must insist you guys do it. Start small. Be the change you want. Find ways to praise him so you are focused on the good. Focus on the good stuff and make small changes within yourself if he is a good human being.

If he is not a good human, or is narcissistic, mean spirited, drinks or does drugs, has affairs, this is another thing and you can't fix it or change him.

He doesn’t drink or use drugs. He is controlling. I can’t do the grocery shopping- that’s one example. He also has cut me off physically and emotionally. The last time we were intimate was probably 9-10 years ago.
He is good with our sons for the most part but he does have an angry side.
I think it’s inevitable. But he is making it more difficult for me. I never thought marriage would be easy- but I never knew I could be this alone in a marriage.

Maggie, how are you doing? What did you decide for yourself in your marriage, please come back and share your latest news!! You’re not alone and an unhappy marriage is not what God intended for anyone to be in. I pray you’re good and God guide you through this!