I wish I knew the answer to that question. Mine is why are you willing to break up the family without even trying?

i really, truly wish i understood any of this. Everyone I talk to and everything i read says you need to give it time. But how do you know when it's too much time and you're not doing anything but torturing yourself and prolonging the inevitable. I am starting counseling next week. Maybe that will give me some of the answers i need to at least move on somewhat. But no matter what anyone says I love this man with everything I have and time may make it easier to be without him but it will never erase how I feel about him.

I'm in the same place kas. When is it too much time? I know it's only been 2 months for me, but she gives me mixed signals all of the time, but inevitably goes back to she's not in love with me any more, and she has put up a wall that can never be broken. That our problems are irreparable. And despite all that she has done, I still love her as well. It's a hard place to be. I think it's a good sign that he's at least willing to think about the situation. I wish I had the same. Be strong. and follow your heart.

he says he's willing to think about it but i really don't know if he is just saying that to shut me up for now. There is no way to tell if he is thinking about it or not. What I would give to know what's going on inside his head. Today has been rough. One of those days when you just can't focus on anything else. And I need to spend 2 hours tonight with him at my son's lacrosse game. It's so hard to stand there with him all that time and pretend like there is nothing going on. I have to watch him get in his car and drive away from us and it kills me every single time.

UGH that is the worst when you're supposed to act okay around the kids. All I want to do is yell at him in front of them,"look at what you're destroying!!!!!!!"

Kas,
It will happen when you start living your present.
We tend to wallow in our depression or anxiety and not understand where it comes from. Here is the place it comes from.
ANXIETY: comes from living in the future. (What will happen? What will become of us? What will he say?) When we live in a future which we have no control of and which we have NO IDEA what will happen and start trying to control it or guess what will happen we create anxiety. This is a killer and keeps us down.
DEPRESSION/SADDNESS: Comes from living in the past. (Re-living memories, beating yourself up about the past, hating because of what someone did to you, etc) When we live in the past then we get stuck in moments which bring us down. We become sad for what was and it loads us with guilt, hate, saddness, and sooner or later depression.

LIVING AND ACCEPTING THE NOW: If you live your life in the moment. If you teach yourself to become aware and appreciate what is happening right at this moment to you. (You have health, you are able to read this, you are at a computer, you have food, you have access to internet, you are breathing, you are not dying, etc...) If you can appreciate your PRESENT for all the good it has in it then "Magically" you stop feeling anxious, you stop feeling depressed, a big weight feels like it is lifting and the best thing of all, you can BREATHE again.

Thank you. I have been getting better at the whole living in the now thing. I am grateful for what i have. My kids, my amazing family and friends, a good job and the ability to take care of my family. But some days it is so much easier said than done. When this first happened I did nothing but focus on what was happening and could do nothing but cry. That has gotten better and i do start counseling for myself next week. Hoping that will help sort some of these feelings out too. It i has only been about a month and a half although it feels like years so some of these feelings are still kind of raw. And some days it hits you like a brick to the face. But I am trying very hard to focus on what I have vs' what I do not have.

I feel for you Kas...and can empathize and can identify. The brick met my face today as well.
Lonelywolf - your golden nugget of advice is timely and what i needed to remind me. The now.

don't you just wish for once they would be the ones that would get the brick of awareness to the face? I just wonder if one of these days he is going to wake up and say "what the hell did i do and what on earth was i thinking?" And hope that if and when this happens it's not too late.

I totally understand when you wonder how much time is too much. I'll tell you that in my situation, I was timid, lax, and codependent, swirling around in the dysfunction of our marriage. I told him in March 2015 that I wanted a divorce. I let him know that this was IT. I wanted him to get it through his head, and for him to prepare himself for it. I suggested he talk to friends, other divorced people, get a lawyer. I did all of these things, and read up on the financial and emotional effects of divorce. In the meantime, I knew we had to finish building a house that we had started in 2013, that I couldn't get out till that house sold and I had the funds to buy him our of our existing house. So I had expected he would finish the house quickly. I expected he'd retain an attorney, start looking at homes for himself, start SOMETHING. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. He sat on his fat a$$ that entire year in denial. I finally started the divorce process in May of 2016, and he has still done almost nothing. He's stalled the legal process, barely works on the new house. In looking back, I wish I had not waited that full year. I should have filed right away.

I've heard from others on this board that they've used a discernment counselor, who helps a couple make decisions either way about divorce. It helps couples get "unstuck". Sounds like it may help your husband get off the fence. Being stuck prevents you from moving forward. It's a very hard place to be.

"I was timid, lax, and codependent, swirling around in the dysfunction of our marriage"

Wow, does that resonate with me.

"I just wonder if one of these days he is going to wake up and say "what the hell did i do and what on earth was i thinking?" And hope that if and when this happens it's not too late."

I was married for 26 years when my ex wanted a separation. I was devastated. And then I realized that my depression wasn't coming from missing him, it was from fear of the unknown and breaking up our family (we have two adult children). We divorced and he tried to get me back several times and up until a few days before I married my 2nd husband. So, my ex regretted it alright.. I did not. I think this is VERY common. It's the ol' "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" thing.