Well, I don't know anything but what this post says, so I'm assuming you want to know why the latest rejection. May I ask why you divorced in the first place? Just a first impression, but it sounds like she may have been torn between her feelings for you and the other person. Sometimes we crave the known and familiar, and fear change. Perhaps she was somehow comparing how she feels with each of you and made her decision. This is pure guessing on my part as a woman. You'll never know if you don't ask, but you must be prepared for the nswer. Your feelings could be hurt, so weigh the options of knowing vs not knowing.

Or maybe there's nothing for you to improve upon. Maybe YOU weren't the problem. Maybe she was.

Look, I think it's great that you want to learn and grow. But I think you should do that for its own reward. Do it because new experiences will expand your horizons and make YOU happy. Don't do it to fix whatever failings your ex wife finds in you. That's sort of like paying for a dead horse - then trying to saddle up for a ride into the sunset.

If she didn't have the wherewithal to adequately convey to you "these are the problems in our marriage" or, for that matter, if you didn't have the capacity for self reflection WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY MARRIED, what makes you think any conversation with her on that topic NOW will be productive?

You should be able to tell yourself "I am awesome! And I'm not going to try to make myself more awesome just to satisfy whatever is missing from HER life."

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Of course, (MrCellophane), I left that out. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all mlewisct! You may have done everything you could and the two of you were just not meant to be.

Funny I just heard that saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys" for the first time last week. I love it and you can use it in so many different situations!

I decided to try it, and the results were not good.

"This email is infuriating as this ground has been covered thoroughly. All of these questions have been answered. I am not having this discussion any more."

So, what was it that allowed us to reconnect culminating in finally making love, then to "realize I am never coming back to you" and start dating new guy the following week? I guess I'll never know.

She is out on a date with new guy this morning, and I'm laying in bed unable to get up and move.

Doesn't sound like you are the problem in this scenario. She is a cheater and a user. She is the problem. Asking her for advice is like asking a criminal how to be an upstanding citizen. They can't answer because they don't know. She can't answer you because her morals are skewed. If you really want to improve on yourself don't ask her. Just do what you think is right.

Going on the information in your posts alone, my take on this is that it sounds like she's being selfish and not concerned with anyone else's feelings.

It sounds to me like she was talking to you for the comfort and security it brought to HER. And that she slept with you again to make HERself feel better. Possibly because the new guy wasn't giving her the attention she wanted at that time, possibly just to give herself a boost. Unfortunately, though, it sounds like she did all of this with only her own selfish interests in mind. Now for whatever reason, she's casting you aside again. It hurts and it's awful, but it is in no way your fault. Based on the information you've given, anyway, it just sounds like, unfortunately, she uses people, and unfortunately, you were in the right place at the right time for her, and she felt like using you. Now she's using someone else. She doesnt want to accept that how she's treating you is wrong, so she gives you stern, rude answers, blowing you off instead of owning up to her own motives and actions. I could be wrong, but that's what this sounds like to me.

I am so sorry for your hurt and your pain. Please know that you deserve so much better than this treatment. Please focus on loving yourself and being kind to yourself. Don't let her destructive behavior tear you down; her poor actions do not reflect who you are, they reflect her own poor character.
(((HUGS)))

Ouch sorry I didn't see this before you actually emailed her lol!
My advice would have been a resounding NO!
Give her that kind of ammo and usually they will have no problem listing all your faults and leaving themselves out of that equation. They love to have the opportunity to tell you everything that's wrong with you. I did this early on after our split and after reflecting on her one sided bullshit convo I realized it was a complete waste of time and only made me feel like it was all my doing, yet she was the one who cheated and left lol! So no more of those questions to her, screw her and her reasoning because now it just doesn't matter.

Thanks for the good advice.

Some context. At the time she served me for divorce (Friday the 13th of December 2013), she had re-connected with her childhood friend Neil. She spent hours on the phone with him and made plans to spend 10 days in Florida with him. I saw she bought lingerie for the trip and was threatened by this and asked her to promise to keep her vows and be faithful to me. That request supposedly sent her over the edge (that I didn't trust her) and she decided on the spot to serve me for divorce.

We divorced in April, and then she immediately allowed me to rekindle the relationship with her. As for Neil, here is an excerpt from May, 2014 when she made a remark while we were walking by the river that I couldn't let go and I followed up by email:

Me:
I'm still thinking about your comment "Neil doesn't like to share either." What did you mean by that?

Kimberly:
I'm sorry. I wasn't being coy and I'm not playing with your feelings.

He wants to marry me, period. I'm healing and don't wish to marry or move to FL. When it comes to me, he won't date or have casual sex- he's incapable of it. We are beyond that "exploration" phase because we've known each other all our lives. In his estimation, dating would be going backwards and casual sex is impossible. He's no mystery and considers it a huge mistake that we didn't marry 25 years ago. The man knows things about me I've forgotten and it's the same with me about him.

So, friends it is and we are both good with that because that's our default setting anyway. I will visit him whenever I can and he has an open invitation to visit me too. That's where we stand.
--------------

She made three more 10-day trips to stay with Neil, but continued the relationship with me until Christmas when she told me "things have changed" and we were done.

Then, we started seeing each other in March culminating with finally making love again this month. Then, she suddenly decided to date this new guy instead. I have no idea who he is.

We had a going-away party yesterday for my step-daughter and her boyfriend who are moving. She called me to have me install the waterfall pump and then asked me to run the grill for the day. We were hosting over 30 people some of whom did not know we were divorced which was awkward. It was nostalgic fixing my old pond and cooking on my old grill, etc.

At one point yesterday, her ex-husband (the step-daughter's father) was there, and her ex-boyfriend (who used to take care of the step-daughters and helps run Young Marines that they were in) was there, and I was there. So, three guys she has had sex with in her house at the same time, yet we all get along with each other and her. She seems to have magical powers in preserving relationships.

Then I thought, Neil in Florida wants to marry her, for some unknown reason I'm still in love with her and want her back, and she is dating Mr. New Guy - so three guys want her at the same time. It must be quite the power kick for her.

Sorry for the drama, but thanks for listening.

Yikes she must love that kind of attention.
I wouldn't worry about getting info from her how you can learn and grow. She hasn't a clue. Best to see the unfortunate rekindling this month as a bad decision as far as healing goes. You need to let her go and go NC as much as humanly possible, she's incapable of a monogamous relationship as she's too much of a drama queen. No one guy is ever gonna make her happy.

It doesn't like you're the one who needs to learn and grow. Your ex clearly has a whole lot of issues she needs to address and isn't in the position to give advice. Besides, you can't reasonably expect a truthful response from a liar. You now you know you made an error in judgment. As Coop suggested, try to go no contact as much as possible and focus on your healing.

All good advice I should have listened to before. I look back at my journal, and see I was actually feeling great a few weeks ago. Now, I'm back at the beginning. The tears have finally broken through the numbness and I can't seem to shut them off tonight. Man does it hurt.

It sounds to me like she doesn't want a monogomus relationship or wants an "open" relationship where she is free to do whatever she pleases and there are not a lot of people who are going to want to deal with it so she will come back to you because she knows you love her. I hope that makes sense, but I can't tell you 100percent I am correct or what her thought process is but everyone likes to rekindle what is familiar to them. So dont take it as all bad but realize she is going to keep coming back as long as you accept her terms.

Correction. Most everyone likes "what is familiar to them". Have you ever seen the movie "adaptation". Do you find yourself sleeping on her side of the bed to feel the warmth that was once there. You adapted to it as did .

As did she so now she comes back to "what is familiar" and leaves you wondering " why did she bother leaving?"

@charliegirl29, I haven't seen that movie, but I'll have to look for it. Yes, I still sleep on "my side" of the bed and I find myself hugging a large pillow on her side. She likes fresh water and I realized I still make sure there is a fresh bottle of spring water on her side of the car, even though she's not there.

She still calls herself a "serial monogamist," and says she was only sexually active with me from our marriage up until now. Now, she is openly stating she is dating for the first time since the divorce.

The whole thing with Neil is hard to swallow, and she told me she was "in love" with him when she divorced me, but then after her trip she said they had talked it through and were just friends. So from being in love and packing lingerie, to some reality of meeting with him, something changed. She now says she told me that she was in love because it was what I wanted to hear - just to shut me up, which in itself was cruel if it is true.

Now though, she resumed sex with me one time this month, only to turn around and call it quits to date the new guy. I'm dying to know how her date went today. The weather was perfect. However, I won't ask as I know I'm better off not knowing any details.