I understand how you feel. I just had the same talk with my son (12) yesterday, and it was hard. But for me, it was better to get it over with than to worry about what he might or might not have overheard or sensed lately. I won't lie: He burst out crying as soon as I got the words "your dad and I are going to get a divorce" out of my mouth.

The original plan was for my husband and I to talk to him together, but it just happened that I had a moment when I felt I could do it, and I was much calmer and stronger without my husband in the room. I think the important thing to remember is to let them know they are loved, that both parents will always be there for them (if that is the case), and let them know it is okay to feel whatever they are feeling. You don't have to tell them the whys or the hows, just let them know that you both want the best for them and for one another.

Now, we also have a daughter who is almost 3, so that will be a whole different conversation and challenge...

Be honest and, honestly, the sooner the better for everyone. The way I looked at it, the sooner I told my son, the sooner I could start helping him deal with it.

Very good points Fenix. My wife and I plan on doing the very best job we can coparenting and being there for them whenever they need us. I want to be with them as much as our schedules will allow it. My wife and I are suppose to talk more about the plan tonight. But my opinion would not to use the D word but just keep it more like "your mommy and I are planning to live separate where your daddy is going to go live at a differnent place (actually living at my moms old place)". Just mention that your mommy and I are not getting along and feel it would be better if we lived apart. How does that sound? Obviously, emphasize we love them and its not there fault, and that varoius things will not change.

Well, I am new at this, too, but a couple of things:

1. If you aren't at the point of "D," certainly don't use that term. But, I think it is important to know where your heart and your wife's heart truly are on that issue. For me, because my husband has cheated before and is currently entrenched in a long-distance emotional affair, and he tells me he doesn't want to fix our marriage, it's clear where this is going. I didn't want to give my son false hope.

2. I think just telling the kids that you are going to live apart for a while but that you will both still be in their lives is good. They may ask about the "D" word, so be prepared for that question.

3. Personally, I wrote a letter to my kids before I talked to my son. I thought I would be crying and unable to speak, so I wanted something in writing. It really helped me get my thoughts together. I didn't end up needing to give it to my son, but I was glad I had it under my belt just in case.

4. Maybe don't tell the kids it isn't their fault, so you don't accidentally put that idea into their heads? This is one thing I read, and I heeded the advice.

You can do this. Figure out with your wife who will say what and make sure you give the kids time to talk, too.

I dont want to give them hope that we wont divorce, but figure by not labeling that and then have some time go by that they will understand and see why things are better with us not being married.

Good luck. You know what is best. It wont be easy but just talk from the heart. Keep it simple. Sending good thoughts your way.

I also wrote a script of what I would want to say. I had my therapist, our joint therapist, and my stbx review it. They all liked it. Some of things I keyed on:

-How much we both love them and how much we love having the opportunity to be their parents. How proud we are of both of them.

-We are still a family; nothing is ever ever going to change. It's just going to be a different family. We are both going to be there for them.

-We are confused about our feelings as well. A little background...my stbx and I were best friends. We never fought and the kids don't see bickering and fighting because it's not there. I think they are going to be confused because they don't see us "at each others throats."

-I don't use the word divorce but I do say that we need to live apart separately.

-I discuss how this will affect them. Our therapist says that their initial thoughts are going to be how this affects them. They will stay in the same house, the dog stays in our house, they will go to their same school, Mom has an apartment very close to our house, there is a schedule which we will go over. I try to say how much is not changing.

-We are both available to talk. If they are at the other parent's house, they can always call to talk to the other parent.

We are definitely doing this together. My stbx wanted to do it separately but everything I read and our therapist say it is better if both parents are discussing this. My stbx wanted this separation so she needs to feel the pain as the family unit changes.

We decided to wait until my stbx apartment was set up. We didn't want everything to linger and give them more anxiety build up anticipating the date that Mom moves out.

I think I'm ready. I still don't want this or want to do this but it has to happen.

Sometimes now that we are only a couple days away from telling the kids I start to get cold feet in a way and think maybe we should continue to give it another year even though I am quite certain nothing would change in our relationship and it would be us again just staying together for the sake of the kids. I think we have just become to people that should not be married now. Guess time can cause people to grow apart.

Really started hitting me again today. I want to fast forward through all this. I've been trying to be strong but I start feeling the anxiety and flip flop to being scared to tell them. Taking deep breaths...

Same here.....especially with how loving and sweet my son has been these last couple days. Been having fun playing Xbox with him.

We also have kids 6,10,11. We are separated but been working on things till days ago. My kids handled it ok when we moved apart. It is very nerve racking and I always worry about them. Things for us aren't working and I am tired of the pain. We still will have to talk to them again since we aren't apparently going to work out.

So, so, so, sad,

what is it about the human condition that it can make sense to figure out and plan the best way to "tell the kids" thinking about the big picture, thinking long term down the road, and thinking beyond themselves, ---- thinking beyond themselves, when many times if people tried to makes sense and figure the marriage when they were getting a bit sideways ,

Don't blow smoke your kids way, tell them the blunt truth as antiseptically as possible