Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
If any of you have read my previous posts, you will know that my wife has asked me for a divorce and we are going through counseling to determine the best way to handle the divorce with minimal impact to the children. For the most part, we are being very amicable about things.
One of the interesting effects I'm seeing in this process is the habit of one spouse (usually the one wanting the divorce) "revising history". Making the past sound much, much worse than it was. Trying to make it sound like there was never anything good in the relationship. I've discussed this with others and I'm hearing that this is a fairly common happening.
In my case, my wife described our marriage of "13 years of hell". You must think I'm a real devil, reading that. However, anyone who knows us is confused by that statement as we are generally a happy couple. Additionally, some of that doesn't make logical sense. If it was 13 years of hell, why didn't you do something sooner? When I tell my wife that I disagree with that statement she brings up countless bad stories. Now I don't have great memory, so I find it hard to debate an incident that happened in 2005. When I bring up good stories of our past, she finds some blotch on the story that somehow ruins it for being good. Or finds a few more bad stories that somehow cancel out the one good story. Or if I do find one good, undeniable story, the response is "well, that's one story in how many years?"
After awhile, you really start to believe the revisionist history. Am I really that bad? Am I really the devil? Maybe she's right. Maybe we do need a divorce.
I've come to realize, however, that the person's emotions are poisoning their memory. Their anger and pain are pushing the bad memories to the front and making them glow white hot with pain. These bad memories are so bright that they are totally eclipsing the good memories that a person might have had. Additionally, the person sometimes needs to justify their actions to themselves. It's easier to justify a divorce that was "13 years of hell" versus a divorce that was "not meeting my emotional needs".
I've seen this history revision take place right in front of my (dumbfounded) eyes. A few weeks ago my wife and I were lying in bed. I was tired and trying to nap. She started pinching me in a playful manner. When I realized I wasn't going to get any rest, I started pinching back. Eventually we started playfully wrestling. It was actually a very fun, intimate and bonding moment. We were both laughing like we had not in weeks. As we continued wrestling, she gave me a good grab or pinch and I let out a yell. Unfortunately, my face was right next to her ear. She then let out a cry and I stopped wrestling her. She said that I had hurt her ear by yelling into it. I asked her if she was alright and apologized several times telling her it was an accident. Our wrestle match ended after that.
Since that event, I've seen that story become darkened with each retelling. The current retelling is that she was being playful with her and that I, because I've been angry with her, attacked back violently and yelled in her ear to hurt her. (Because most domestic violence happens in the ear).
I've come to realize that she's revising that memory and making it darker because she might be afraid to admit that there was a pleasant part of that story and that there was a connection. Rather than focus on the 10 minutes of laughing, she's focusing on the 1 second accident at the end.
So, what's my point. I guess it's this: the revised history comes from a person's pain and emotions. They are revising the past to help justify the divorce. I don't think, in many cases, it's even a conscious act. It's not rational, it's emotional.
So, does that mean your the devil? No, probably not. Think back on your own history and make up your mind if it was as bad or not.
Does it mean that everyone who is telling stories of their "13 years of hell" really went through 13 years of hell? No, probably not.
How do you deal with the revised history? I think the only way is to let the emotions settle down. I find that, in my case, when my wife is emotional, our history grows very dark. When the emotions are at rest, I can actually get her to concede one or two days that were not hell.
And one final word about revised history: The longer things go, the more you start to revise your own history yourself. At the start of the problems with my wife and I, the idea of divorce was impossible. We have a great relationship and it's worth saving. The longer things go, however, the bad memories I have start to eclipse those good memories I have. Suddenly, the idea of a divorce doesn't seem so bad. The trick is to try to keep emotions separate from your memories.
For those of you struggling, like I am, maybe you can relate. I'd be interested in hearing anyone else's thoughts on the subject.
"the mind is it's own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven"
- John Milton, Paradise Lost
One of the interesting effects I'm seeing in this process is the habit of one spouse (usually the one wanting the divorce) "revising history". Making the past sound much, much worse than it was. Trying to make it sound like there was never anything good in the relationship. I've discussed this with others and I'm hearing that this is a fairly common happening.
In my case, my wife described our marriage of "13 years of hell". You must think I'm a real devil, reading that. However, anyone who knows us is confused by that statement as we are generally a happy couple. Additionally, some of that doesn't make logical sense. If it was 13 years of hell, why didn't you do something sooner? When I tell my wife that I disagree with that statement she brings up countless bad stories. Now I don't have great memory, so I find it hard to debate an incident that happened in 2005. When I bring up good stories of our past, she finds some blotch on the story that somehow ruins it for being good. Or finds a few more bad stories that somehow cancel out the one good story. Or if I do find one good, undeniable story, the response is "well, that's one story in how many years?"
After awhile, you really start to believe the revisionist history. Am I really that bad? Am I really the devil? Maybe she's right. Maybe we do need a divorce.
I've come to realize, however, that the person's emotions are poisoning their memory. Their anger and pain are pushing the bad memories to the front and making them glow white hot with pain. These bad memories are so bright that they are totally eclipsing the good memories that a person might have had. Additionally, the person sometimes needs to justify their actions to themselves. It's easier to justify a divorce that was "13 years of hell" versus a divorce that was "not meeting my emotional needs".
I've seen this history revision take place right in front of my (dumbfounded) eyes. A few weeks ago my wife and I were lying in bed. I was tired and trying to nap. She started pinching me in a playful manner. When I realized I wasn't going to get any rest, I started pinching back. Eventually we started playfully wrestling. It was actually a very fun, intimate and bonding moment. We were both laughing like we had not in weeks. As we continued wrestling, she gave me a good grab or pinch and I let out a yell. Unfortunately, my face was right next to her ear. She then let out a cry and I stopped wrestling her. She said that I had hurt her ear by yelling into it. I asked her if she was alright and apologized several times telling her it was an accident. Our wrestle match ended after that.
Since that event, I've seen that story become darkened with each retelling. The current retelling is that she was being playful with her and that I, because I've been angry with her, attacked back violently and yelled in her ear to hurt her. (Because most domestic violence happens in the ear).
I've come to realize that she's revising that memory and making it darker because she might be afraid to admit that there was a pleasant part of that story and that there was a connection. Rather than focus on the 10 minutes of laughing, she's focusing on the 1 second accident at the end.
So, what's my point. I guess it's this: the revised history comes from a person's pain and emotions. They are revising the past to help justify the divorce. I don't think, in many cases, it's even a conscious act. It's not rational, it's emotional.
So, does that mean your the devil? No, probably not. Think back on your own history and make up your mind if it was as bad or not.
Does it mean that everyone who is telling stories of their "13 years of hell" really went through 13 years of hell? No, probably not.
How do you deal with the revised history? I think the only way is to let the emotions settle down. I find that, in my case, when my wife is emotional, our history grows very dark. When the emotions are at rest, I can actually get her to concede one or two days that were not hell.
And one final word about revised history: The longer things go, the more you start to revise your own history yourself. At the start of the problems with my wife and I, the idea of divorce was impossible. We have a great relationship and it's worth saving. The longer things go, however, the bad memories I have start to eclipse those good memories I have. Suddenly, the idea of a divorce doesn't seem so bad. The trick is to try to keep emotions separate from your memories.
For those of you struggling, like I am, maybe you can relate. I'd be interested in hearing anyone else's thoughts on the subject.
"the mind is it's own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven"
- John Milton, Paradise Lost
And yes it does help to knock them off the pedestal and remember the crappy times and how they treated you also.
So she had excellent skills at writing a whole new narrative that turned our 19 years together as just shit.
Instead of all the love, support, fun and nurturing that was the truth
It really is a mindfuck. It makes you doubt yourself in the worst way. At first I thought maybe I did all those things! Maybe I was joking around and said something and he took it wrong and really was terrified of me for decades? Maybe we were goofing off and I hurt him and he thought it was an attack but was too scared to tell me? I took so much guilt on myself.
Then I asked a few close friends who had known us as a couple since we started dating what our relationship had been like. I didn't give them any details, I just asked. Without exception, they all told me the same things I originally had remembered. He wasn't afraid of me, he was happy... but controlling. He wasn't kept under my thumb, he went out with his friends all the time. It took that outside validation to realize that I knew the truth all along.
ANYWAY be very careful with a spouse like this. Rewriting history is a form of emotional abuse. If you're not familiar with gaslighting, a related kind of abuse, look it up and see if it applies. And absolutely during a divorce be careful! Your spouse, like mine, could trot out their false stories during a custody evaluation and make you look like a monster, and it could cost you everything. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
Recognize it for what it is, and don't let it get to you. Remember, you have no control over her narrative, and you do control your own narrative. It is your truth. Don't let her tarnish it and lead you into an abyss of self-doubt and self-hate. It only damages you more and prolongs your pain as you play the thousand "what ifs" over and over in your head.
While some self-examination and introspection is healthy and we want to learn from our mistakes, there will be time for that later and you will be in a better frame of mind to complete this important work. For now, be gentle and kind with yourself.