Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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remembering the good times and doubting decision..

dreamliketrance
dreamliketrance
I'm not REALLY doubting my decision to leave my husband. He was verbally abusive and texting/emailing other women and who knows what else. It is time for me to file the final papers and I am filled with guilt and some doubt. I moved out almost 2 months ago and had no contact until this past week when he brought by some notarized documents for the divorce. All my strength and positivity about the future seemed to die in the 5 minutes we were seeing each other. I just started thinking about all the good times we had and how this step is it. It's truly the end.

I know it needs to be but I have been remembering all the good times lately and its making it hard. I don't want to be that bitter person who hates their ex forever. He was my best friend and I wish him no ill will. He has some anger issues that I hope he will figure out and be happier. So I guess I'm wondering how you remember the good times in a positive light while still knowing that being apart is what is best? Does anyone know where I'm coming from here? I just don't want to be angry or resentful. I remember a quote that said something like "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die."

Maybe I just need more time.
Lucille6
Lucille6
Dream, I don't know your full story.However, if you are doing better emotionally away from him, then you are making the right choice for you.I do not know if either one of you has tried counseling alone or together, but I think it would be helpful for u to try counseling.It is good to remember the good times. when there has been abuse of any form, I would tend to try to only remember the good times.Then the cycle of abuse would continue for me.Start making a list of your accomplishments an things you are thankful for.journaling an talking to a positive friend helped me lots.In February, I will have been divorced for 6 yrs.sincerely lu
gem111
gem111
I think you just need more time also.
Stress, anger and bitterness does kill. I believe you have the perfect attitude. I have heard that quote also and I do believe it.
You are a strong lady so please keep up your positivity for the future. Your gut is telling you it has to be and your gut never lies.
I think maybe go no contact if possible for awhile, as contact set you back and that is normal too.
I wish you the very best.
dreamliketrance
dreamliketrance
Lucille, I am currently in counseling and my husband and I did couples counseling for 8 months but it didn't really help because he wasn't ready to change and saw nothing wrong with his behavior/thought process. Counseling really did save me though and gave me the strength to leave.

Gem, thanks for the positive words. I'm trying to have the best attitude possible. I can fall into a dark place quickly so I just don't want to ever get stuck there! I def plan on having no contact. We have no children or any reason to really ever see each other again. Hopefully i will be feeling stronger again soon.
Lucille6
Lucille6
Gem is right u have fantastic attitude.I started jogging during my divorce an separation,I proud say I did two 5k, during that time.it takes awhile, hang there do lots fun positive things for yourself.
Changeforbetter101
Changeforbetter101
Dream- Is your stbx an alcoholic? Your story sounds just like mine - the verbal abuse, sexting/chexting other women and not having any desire to change. My stbx is an alcoholic. The years of alcohol abuse has turned his brain into mush. The behavior will never change and he will continue to hurt you and not care. When they are deceptive and 'hiding' things from their spouse, they aren't worth your love or time. We tried the counseling thing as well. The problem was I ended up going by myself because my stbx had other 'plans' to go and play pool with a friend during those sessions. Ya - that tells you how much our marriage meant to him.
dreamliketrance
dreamliketrance
Lmichels, he was not an alcoholic but had deep rooted anger problems that basically exploded on me when I confronted him about the cheating. I don't think he truly believed what he was doing was cheating but to me it was and he couldn't seem to develop any empathy for my feelings. It was a year of me holding on so tight and hoping he would love and respect me and him constantly hiding things, lying, and calling me names and making me feel like I was the craziest woman on earth for not thinking it was OK. There came a point with the lying where I knew I would never trust him again like you should trust someone in a marriage and chose to leave. It was hard because i am the kind of person that doesn't like to give up on anyone. I knew he had issues and I wanted to "save him" but I know now that I can only save myself.