Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Simmpleesad 01/19/2017

I have been dating a divorced mom of two kids for a little over 5 months now. I believe that we broke up yesterday. We have been arguing lately over time. She says that she likes to have her alone time and that I I'm happy spending a lot of time with her. She has her kids full time and they go to their dads every other weekend.

Because she has them full time I feel like everything is at her house and she is always tired or busy which I completely understand. She does do nice things for me.

Long story short is that I believe we broke up yesterday even though she wouldn't come right out and say yes it's over. We talked on the phone for 5 straight hours last night and any time it got to the point of her just telling me not to talk to her anymore she wouldn't say that but she clearly seem like she doesn't know that this can work out anymore. She is hurt. We have not spoken today at all.

She said that she is worried that eventually it's going to be a problem that she wants this time alone or with her friends and I'm already feeling like because so much of her time is devoted to work and her kids that we don't get as much alone time as I would like. It isn't that I don't want her to spend time with her friends it's just that I don't know how to build a relationship if you never get any time alone or very little.

I make her feel like she's not doing enough even though I know she does do a lot of stuff like make me lunch or leave a plate of dinner for me. The sad part is I've already now involve my children and her children.

I can provide more details or if someone has questions I know I'm leaving a lot but I just don't know what I should do at this point. I know probably just leave her alone.

We have an amazingly close relationship and were very affectionate and we have so much in common and we always laugh and have fun so I was caught a little bit off guard yesterday even though a fight an argument started in the morning.

She says that she's not the one complaining but that I complain about stuff that could be better and then she feels bad. Or we will talk about an issue and she will think everything is fine and it will come up again the next day and so she gets happy and then she gets sad and she feels like she's caught in the cycle and I don't mean to be doing that to her I just prefer to talk everything through to be on the same page but I don't think that she likes that very much.

I think she's a wonderful girl I just wish that I knew a way to make the situation better or if it's maybe too late and there's nothing I can do at this point. Thank you for listening

thiscantbeit 01/19/2017

I'm sorry that you are in this place. It sucks. It sounds like she's not looking to accommodate you in her life. Relationships require some compromise if we want it to work. If she's not willing to do that then maybe she's just not ready for a relationship the way you want it. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't want what you want. I guess you would have to look at how much of the issue is her and how much is you and then figure out how you want to move forward. Think of what this would look like a few more months down the road. Do you see yourself still dealing with this? If yes, how would you feel about it? I really hope you find a solution that works for you.

DP362 01/19/2017

Sorry to hear your story.. To me, there are red flags in conversations when the real truth won't come out. The "alone time" is one. If your in love you want to spend your time with the other. My other told me, when I asked about her day "I don't have to give you a play by play". That was a dagger in my heart. I'm having a hard time moving on. Insomnia, depression, you name it. We had our future planned but it didn't work out. Find someone to talk to. I'm in the Chicago area and it's hard to find a group not affiliated with a church. Heal yourself and move on.

BeautyBeholder 01/19/2017

I wonder do you both have a main issue you are dealing with? like something from her past or yours? has she been distant? or is this just all out of the blue?
I hope you are doing okay.

Simmpleesad 01/19/2017

I think that we both are just very sensitive in her own way. Maybe I'm intentionally or unintentionally I guess starting fights unnecessarily or complaining about things when maybe she is doing enough and she doing the best that she can. She tells me that she is introverted more even though she does not seem like an introvert and that she needs and is happy with it I'm all alone and she feels like I can't just be happy when she wants to be alone and I'm also and I know I'm wrong for this but I'm also not doing a lot of stuff on my own. I get caught up in how good and everything and how fun it is and we had talked about moving in together we had talked about her saying that she could see yourself marrying me but I got mad yesterday morning that she told me to make a schedule for this week and then she said she wanted to go see one of her friends at some point so I told her 3 times this week that would be a good time to go see her friend and I would be doing something else. She came back and asked me to do a different time and I completely overreacted and got upset and said I didn't want to talk anymore because I felt like she came to me and asked me to pick the schedule I picked it and then she just chose a time that was one of the few times that we would get to be all alone even though I know it was only for a few hours. I ended up texting Shortly afterwards and apologizing because I should not have just got off the phone like that. But she already was so upset at how I handled the situation and I don't know how to make things work when the person is up at 5:30 and exhausted by 830 at night and sometimes I don't even get off work till 7:30 or 8 so I'm trying to find time to do stuff with her or even find time for intimacy and she just has her own way of doing things and no matter how much I help around the house or do stuff for her or how close we are or how much we tell each other we love each other she's just saying that she's not sure that love is enough and that we can make a relationship work because she thinks that I might need too much from her then she can give and I don't know if she's right or not

Simmpleesad 01/19/2017

At the beginning of the conversation last night I asked her if she just wanted me to return her keys and come pick up my keys and she didn't want to say yes I came back to it like 4 times and she wouldn't say yes and she did sit on the phone for 5 hours but I felt like we were breaking up for 5 hours but she never would use the word break up or not see each other again I don't know what she wanted to do she didn't say she wanted space but it did get a little bit heated although we don't use bad language. And we don't do name-calling but she did feel like she was in a cycle where she thinks everything's fine and she starts being happy again and then I say something or complain about something and she just feels like nothing she can do is right and she's probably got some validity to that and that might be an issue that I'm having where I'm not just happy for what I have but I'm always trying to get more but who knows

Simmpleesad 01/19/2017

I will add one more thing. When we spoke yesterday afternoon she said that she was torn because she does feel grateful that we found each other and we have so much in common and she doesn't know if she's overreacting but she also feels like maybe our personalities are just different because we keep fighting over this one piece over time. Then she texted me and said she wanted to talk at night after the kids went to bed but didn't want to see me last night but that she wanted to see me tonight. But I assume after talking for 5 hours though there wasn't much else left to say and we didn't end the conversation still planning on seeing each other today and she didn't say that she wanted to. She said she was still confused and I asked her if she thought we could work it out and she wasn't saying very much. Maybe she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings but she doesn't want to say we should break up or that we shouldn't see each other. Although it sure feels like it.

I'm just really sad right now and I don't feel like there's anything I can say to fix the situation or do anything and I don't see the point of contacting her we didn't come to some resolution after 5 hours last night I'll go I guess I was encouraged maybe foolishly so that she stayed on the phone for 5 hours

jimthzz 01/19/2017

jump,
higher
sideways
faster
less
stop jumping
why did you stop jumping?

rince and repeat until you get tired of the game.

Simmpleesad 01/19/2017

You think its a game being played?

jimthzz 01/19/2017

yes

sh39 01/20/2017

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she's scared to leave, and being in a committed relationship scares her too. Hard to say. If you took a long time to get over a divorce, getting back into a long term serious relationship can feel very scary; it can feel like you are setting yourself up for another epic breakup/divorce.

If it were me, I'd skip the hours long calls. But in the end, don't leave it hanging. Ask her out right. Do you want to stay together or do you want to break up. Anything short of a definitive "stay together" is basically her not wanting to be be the bad person and break it off herself. If you are only 5 months into a relationship and she isn't sure she wants to be together, the relationship is doomed.

I had a 5 month relationship with a woman some years ago. We were both divorced. She had her kids most of the time and every other weekend they went to her ex. My son is 2 weeks with me, 2 weeks off with his mom. SO.. our schedules aligned for one weekend a month we could spend together, plus a few lunches here and there. I, being the cautious one, did not want to introduce my son to anyone who I am dating. She started asking to do things as a family. In the end we split up because our schedules just couldn't match up enough without acting like a family and I didn't want to do that. Don't get me wrong, she was a very nice woman and I was sad to see her leave. Perhaps if we had crossed paths 5-6 years later things would have worked out differently. I think that was an important lesson for me however is that not everything in life lines up nicely or makes seeing someone easy. In my case, it just wasn't the right relationship at that time in my life.

Fast forward 2 years, and I am dating a nice woman who has a much different schedule, different needs, and different aspirations. She is a much better fit; we spend 2 weeks together and two weeks I spend with my son, and she spends that time with her friends and doing her own thing. We have often joked that if we're still together in a few years and kids are all off at college, we're going to wreck our 2 week cycle and spend all our time driving eachother crazy and end up breaking up because of too much togetherness. :-) Time will tell.

EveryWomanJ2911 01/25/2017

Simmpleesad~How are you? Did you end up meeting with her to discuss the relationship? Have you made a decision?

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