Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been doing alot of thinking lately. Being forced to deal with my husband leaving, a long time ago, and knowing that he would eventually meet someone put me in a dark place. But I have come to realize that we prob were not that happy for a while before he left. Our Marriage became stale, and neither of us really worked to fix it. I was a woman who never really could trust a man fully, and he always knew that I felt that way. So he spent years and years trying to show me that not all men cheat. My own issues, made him walk out the door. I reconize that I made him feel unloved, and unrepected. I have since apologized for that , but a little to late. And that is a hard pill for me to swallow. I am not going to take all the blame, because I know it takes 2 to work or kill a marraige. I am just finally realizing, that him leaving was not what he wanted, but he really wanted to fell like a man. I am still mad as HELL, because I did not want our kids to be affected, and I thought if he loved me enough, that he would eventually come home and work it out. But the damage is done, and know I am forced to look at myself, correct myself, and find happiness in my life, that does not exist with him. I will always love him, and miss him so much, but he also deserves to be happy, even if its not with me. The no contact is the hardest, but I know in time it will get easier. Thank You all for the wonderful support I have gotten on this site.....
Yes, your right, it takes two to end a relationship, and yes I agree with you, don't shoulder the total blame for the breakup! I made this mistake, and shouldered the total blame, due to fact that my recently departed ex-fiance wouldn't open up as to her part in all this, therefore she was more than happy to make me think it was all about me.
Like you, I realized that we all bring something of ourselves into a relationship, yours was the fact that you could never trust a man fully, my ex-fiance's was that she admitted many times that she "never let's go of grudges"! I did enough damage while we were together for her to gain some grudges, and for whatever part that played, she left. The thing I brought into the relationship, like you, was the issue of trust.
Like you, I would love nothing more than for my ex to come back home and work it out. But she made that perfectly clean back on August 7th that there would be no such thing, she's back home where she wants to be and is happy to be gone from me and my home! There will be no "ever coming back"!
And you said ...." and find happiness in my life, that does not exist with him"! Oh boy, isn't that concept a real kick in the butt! I would be lying if I told you, oh yeah, I don't care, I can blow this one off easy! But the whole having to try to cope with the thoughts that life won't be happy or good without them is hard. We invested so much time and generate good memories with a person, that at least my mind got programmed to think that I can't do the same with any other woman, it has to be her. But here I am alone, she's not here anymore to generate good times with, she's 2000 miles away, she's not coming back, so my mind I guess gets freaked out by the fact that she's not here anymore and my mind screams at me that there can't be any other, it has to be her, we can't be happy if it isn't without her.
I'm hoping for the day that those thoughts leave me, I get to a point in my healing that I realize there's many more fish in the sea and perhaps have the courage to possibly have a relationship with someone new! No where close yet, but it's a nice thought!
Just know your not in this alone, I'm sure there are many here dealing with some of the very same issues you having, at least I know one person and that would be me!
Be good to yourself, try to keep your chin up, and know we are here for you!
Of course I didn't do everything at all times to make sure my wife's life was as pleasant as it possibly could be but who on earth does? No two people can get along 100% of the time, agree 100% of the time and make no mistakes along the way even if 100% was attempted.
I can look back and see what I could have done better. I can see where I made some mistakes, but there is no way in hell I will ever concur that I was in any way or form responsible for the divorce. I took my vows seriously, I upheld them, and if anyone can assume that in no point in time there was NO reason for me to ever divorce her than you'd have to think she was inhuman.
Divorce took a lot out of me. Pride, confidence, belief, self esteem, self image, the list goes on, but I will NOT relinquish one iota of the fact that I was in any way, shape or form responsible for our kid's parents to have gone through a divorce. Would not have ever happened if it was up to me, and that is the bottom line, it WASN'T up to me. I'm keeping my pride and honor on this one. She can't strip me of all my dignity.
Often times also, we as women try too hard and we go without - we go into this wife and mother role and we lose sight of ourselves - and all we see is what we didn't do or how we neglected a man - but I am not sure that too many husbands are after a while who they were when they were courting us - so that's always a two way street and if you ask me not a reason for someone to seek an outsider, but every situation is different.
I want to share something - the other day my ex asked me if I was over the breakup and I was able to sincerely say "YES" - and here's also what I added: Everything in life comes with a start and end date, that's how it is from the day we are born. To me I saw the breakup as the "expiration date" of the relationship. We will at some point leave our mates - one will die before us - letting people go is something we must learn to do and accept no matter what because we can't take people with us when we part. All we can do is appreciate them while they are around. It's hard and painful, but we make it.
Best wishes