Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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LostNFound3 07/01/2015

I'm still hurting over my divorce and failed reconciliation, and I've been stuck, so I'm afraid I'm not whole or that this baggage would be unfair to bring into a relationship. I've felt I need to heal before dating, plus it has been so long I'm not sure how to go about dating again, and I'm a little gun shy of getting hurt again.

Recently, I had a wonderful conversation with a woman I found intelligent, strong and interesting. She went through a divorce about two years ago, and she has children (3 YO and 13 YO). She said she loves to go fishing and her Ex never would, so she is now delighting in taking her kids fishing, she loves her new career, etc. Nice conversation.

I've certainly noticed "pretty" women as I'm human and male, but appreciating beauty is very different from actually feeling attracted to someone.

I find myself attracted to this woman, though I have no idea if there is any interest, if there is an age difference that is too big (my son is 11 and her oldest is 13, but I had my son late - I'm 51 and have no idea how old this woman is, though she looks younger than 50).

I'm wondering if it is safe to ask her if she'd like to go fishing some time, or would be open to me buying her dinner sometime. I have a few areas of hesitancy:
1. Am I ready yet?
2. Am I attracted just because of the shared experience and her being nice to me? I don't think so. I've met several other women with shared experience in DivorceCare, at work or in other settings. I've been mildly attracted to one or two, but haven't felt the strong pull/click I do here.
3. Fear of rejection on top of the rejection of divorce and my Ex's other men.
4. Context/setting. This woman is a massage therapist and I was getting a massage due to back muscle tension pain when we just started talking. It is a totally professional place and there was zero sexual context, but I wouldn't want her to be creeped out or think anything off about my motives or anything if I approached her. I have no contact information for her outside of her job, and I don't know if they might have a "never date a customer" type policy, or if approaching her is just inappropriate given the setting.

So, am I over-analyzing all of this and should I take a chance and ask her, or give her my number if I schedule another appointment? Or should I skip for any or all of the reasons above?

sja 07/01/2015

My personal opinion is if you are even doubting your readiness, your not. You have been on a real roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of May when your ex lured you back in then threw you out. No one can tell you what to do, but I'd wait a little more than two months. You want to make sure you are dating to genuinely meet someone you want to build something with, not to make yourself feel better emotionally or physically. It is no fun to be a person's rebound, especially when the person on the rebound is all gun ho about building something then literally changes over night, and yes, that is how it does happen. Take more time and focus on you and completely get past your ex. There is nothing wrong with doing things with people of the opposite sex as friends, but I'd steer clear of any dating.

broken234 07/01/2015

Are you truly doubting your readiness, or are you just unsure about how to approach the situation? Just because you ask her out doesn't mean that you have to marry this woman. Things can be casual. What about her interest of fishing? Do you like fishing too? Maybe you can do something like that so its not really a date, more so just doing a shared interest. Just do what feels right even if it is a bit scary.

lovemaui 07/01/2015

I think it would be a good idea to ask her out on a date, and if it goes well, then ask her out on another date, and if that goes well, then keep dating her. But don't think about getting married until you are really ready. It's ok to have a rebound relationship too, if you want to experiment with that, as long as it's going well. Just know when to breakup.

sja 07/01/2015

I need to disagree that it is ok to have a rebound relationship. It is completely unfair to the person you are using for a rebound. Been there, done that, and it sucks. It is not right to use someone for your emotional bandaid. Get yourself together and to a point where you are emotionally able to date, and then try. There are plenty of other ways you can have companionship without using another person for a relationship. Just last month you were devastated your ex slept with you then moved on and started dating someone else, and this month you want to ask a woman out. Hang out with her, hang out with friends, but really, don't use someone to make you feel better. If you have ever been the one used for a rebound, you will realize how bad it sucks when it ends. You will be transferring all your old feelings for you ex to your new person, and eventually when you realize it, and things end, you basically have left a body in your wake you essentially led on. You wouldn't want it done to you, don't do it to someone else.

lovemaui 07/01/2015

That's some good advice, sja. Thanks for sharing.

LostNFound3 07/01/2015

Thank you for you perspectives.

I wasn't thinking in terms of any kind of rebound relationship, so I'll have to give that some thought. I was just thinking this seems like a really nice woman I would really enjoy getting to know better, so yes to going fishing together or something, but not sure where it might lead. I know I've been stuck for too long being given hope and then having it taken away. My marriage is done and I need to detach and move on. I definitely don't want to use anyone. Yes, I'm concerned about burdening anyone with my baggage which is one reason I'm unsure how to proceed, and yes I'm not very confident in that area right now and am feeling shy and tentative about asking anyone out.

broken234 07/01/2015

I understand your apprehension. I have been out of the dating game for too long and I am scared to approach any one. I just wish someone would maybe ask me for coffee or to do something fun without even thinking about commitment or a new relationship. I know I am not over my husband or even remotely ready to date seriously, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to make friendships. As long as the other person knows your intentions then there is nothing wrong with pursuing that friendship.

smilelikeyoumeanit 07/02/2015

It is part of her job to be chatty & make people feel at ease. I think it would be a potentially embarrassing mistake to pursue this further at this stage.
I would say continue going for the treatments, continue chatting, get to know her more & perhaps it might develop into a friendship.

refurb 07/02/2015

you are ahead of me in the kickin around to date or not,

so your vetting pros and cons... you've probably done a lot of that with divorce fffffffffffffffffffing up your self image

me, if i ever get to the point, i'll vet, and then go for it with all my baggage, my baggage makes me - me, some of it is a gift, some i earned and some inflicted on me

i think your vetting shows you to be a "good guy" in a world full of assholes maybe she'll see that too

morgenstar 07/03/2015

I think you should ask her out, so you can get to know her in a different scenario, that's the only way you'll know for sure if it's something special or just a strong attraction.

Also I think you're on your way to feel 100% ready to date again, because by the looks of it you already know what your baggage is and what you don't want to take into a new relationship, that shows character and that you're conscious about it, otherwise you would date just about anyone and not care if you may hurt them or not.

So you're in the right track and I hope everything works out for you.

Aries1958 07/04/2015

In order to date again, you need to heal from your experience. I was hurt deeply during the month of December 2014. Recognize that any date I have, does not fill the void that I feel as I'm still in the recovery mode.

Loving11 07/04/2015

I believe you need more time to heal from your last relationship. You tried to reconcile and that didn't work. Are you truly over your ex?
If you're not over your ex, it's not a good time to start dating. Having a good friend or developing friendship is probably a better place to be.

Here is a good quote: (I'm not the author)
"We must accept the end of something in order to build something new."

All the best!!!

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