My actual breakup is a long story. Basic jist of it is this... we were best friends for 6 years, until he told me I he loved me. I was his first and last thought of everyday. I said no because I didn't want to lose a friend and because my family wouldn't accept him. We dated in secret for 5 years. Stupid mistake. We broke up officially 7 years ago because I finished college and we thought it was best since my family didnt approve. (I found out recently because they saw qualities in him they saw as "egotistical", "a-holish" and too "anti social"). We acted like a couple in each other's lives for 7 years.

The beginning of this year I realized we both needed to move on. I wanted a future, I wanted marriage and kids. He thought marriage is a big shame institution and doesn't like babies or small kids. Maybe I stayed with him because I thought one day he will change his mind?

However I was still deeply in love with him and him being affectionate and cuddling me, kissing me... telling me he loves me so damn much.... it was to hard to move on. So I asked him to stop. He didn't... some days he was worst then others. I asked him to stop for months!

Finally I pushed myself to join a dating site right before the summer. I went on one date. He tells me he couldn't handle me moving on, it hurt him too much because he was so damn in love with me. It was killing him. So I felt terrible I hurt someone who loved me (or so I thought) and to be honest I was still in love with him. So i stopped despite the fact i dropped $ and got my parents hopes up. Little did I know he was telling people at work about his ex. I referred to him as my best friend to everyone I met, and behind my back- I was an "ex" not a friend. 

Fast forward to August. We were on our way to the beach with a coworker.  On the way there he told me he slept with someone who admitted to liking him. Someone he worked with... He tells me about how much he liked her and how he never felt so compatible with anyone before and how he was falling for her... Yes he tells me abt her for over 2 hours (and just days before he told me he loved me). I tried to be a supportive ex and encouraged him. Because technically we broke up.  The night he told me about her, the night after he sleeps with her, He wraps his arms around me and SNUGGLED me in his arms. He held my hands and kisses them. Although he waited until AFTER his co-worker goes into the bathroom to take a shower.  In case they told this new girl how he acts with his ex, I suspect now.  Needless to say, my heart fluttered and I was feeling hurt again.

On the drive home I admitted I was hurting about him moving on. He says if the situation was reversed he couldn't handle it. But then tells me all about this new girl in his life.  How he can see it being good for him... Oh side comment he said He was keeping my dirty pics until he was sure he was with this new girl. What be the point of getting rid of them if didn't end up with her?  WTF? He drops me off and loses touch with me. I cried for over a week during which I text him numerous times as a friend. Telling him to take care of himself and such... I even encouraged him to be with her because he deserves happiness even if I was hurting. He messaged me a week later because he thought I blocked his mom. I didn't. 

While on the phone about this, I tried to explain to him why him moving on hurt me so much.  Even though he kept saying we've broken up for years.  His excuse was those "I love you"s before that were platonic and I was reading too much into it. And the cuddling? He said he had no self control. So my feelings... were being played around him because he had no self control... Fine. 

Then I texted him "I miss my best friend" another 5 days later. We were friends for 18 years. His response was to that (2 weeks after he slept with the new girl) he informs me he was bringing his new girl to a friend's get together we both previously promised to go to and wanted to make sure I didn't give her a hard time... because she might instigate something.  I am your friend and your ex, I'm hurting, but sure let's flaunt your new girl in front of the girl who gave you over a decade of love. I tried to be okay with this, because for some stupid reason I wanted to stay friends...   

I tried to be okay with meeting her but I couldn't. I couldn't deal with seeing him all over a new girl yet. I didn't want him back romantically, but I needed to see him as a friend again first.  Not as my Ex.  So he told him it was too hard right now to meet her, but I would like to meet her. I just needed time. Instead of telling me, He told an intermediary that if I couldn't deal with it, he wasn't going to come. To let me know.  He couldn't even tell me himself. 

I tried to call him and explain I needed to see him as a friend before I could see her as person who made my friend happy and not just someone who replaced me. I'm trying to salvage some kind of friendship and that i had no intention of wanting him back any romantic way. There was no future in it. It was bad for both of us. His response was to ignore me. I called him. He informed me he was turning off his phone and he needed time and space. I was crying over losing my best friend, and he didn't want to deal with it. I realized I was fighting for something I already lost.  I've blocked and deleted him.

It's been 2 months now. I know he didn't officially cheat.... but it feels like I was cheated on. I know I have no right, we broke up 7 years ago. But I feel used, manipulated and tossed aside. Like he didn't want to be alone, and kept me around until he was sure he had something.

Yeah huge manipulative narcissist is the phrase that came out of my mind several times in the reading and I said now wait maybe it ends differently. Seriously I thought I was jumping to a conclusion too soon, but the hold on to your pics until he’s for certainly sure on how he feels about the other person??? Let’s get the three of you on a conference call but all he can do at some points is only listen would be fair I think. Anyway my two cents worth on the soapbox.

He is already dating the other person. They've been going out for 2 months and all over Facebook. I blocked him but didnt block her so it came up on my friends feeds as like. So I deactivated my account until I gathered myself up a bit. I don't want him in my life right now... maybe never.... but I want to stop all this crying. I'm keeping myself busy and still I wake up crying or just randomly go to the bathroom to cry. It's been months, why can't I stop randomly backsliding?

You're going to backslide at times because 12 years is a long history with anyone friendship or relationship. You just have to allow yourself time to be human and if you are able to think of something else when you feel the tears coming try that but I know it's not that effective at times when your emotions are boiling. It's okay to backslide it's only been 2 months allow yourself some time and it really does get better with time I know everyone says that but I'm living proof that it does. Although I backslided myself and I'm back here at square one again lol.

Thank you ghostdancer and tynee5511. I just wished I could not feel the pain and go back to normal, but even normal is hard. And every time I back slide I reach out to friends but they r fed up with it. Is it supposed to be this hard and so random?

So sorry for ur pain. It's very understandable don't beat urself up for feeling this way. 12 years us a long time and yes you also loose ur best friend. I'm very happy to see you do all those things like getting out volunteer work tgats really impressive and very good to crawl back up. If you feel like uncontrollable crying than maybe talk to ur Dr about possible depression and see what your Dr thinks. But mainly it takes time. Yes he was hanging into you untill he found someone else and he wanted to make sure u wouldn't find soneone before him. I know it's hard to think off right now but at least you now do have the chance if kids and marriage what he refused (those are vety normal wishes And for him to so be again at both is selfish).
Cut all ties for a while block his new girlfriend. He clearly has no empathy for ur feelings so he is not healthy to be around now. Hugs

I'm so sorry this happened to you. He is a narcissist and you really don't want someone like that in your life. He will never be the friend you thought he was. Eventually you will realize what he is and cut him from your life completely.

It takes a long time to get over someone like this. You two were together a long time but now he is using you because he thinks you will always be there. Be his girl between his many relationships. With determination you will make a new life without him. Seek out a good therapist because that is what it will take to get away from him. That is the only thing that made me realize what my ex was and will always be. My therapist gave me ideas and thoughts and then sat back and let me make the decision that would work for me. It's been ten years now since the divorce was final and my life is much better without the ex in it. I wish that for you too.

Thank you trisha9054 and heartache5. Sorry it has been awhile for me to respond to your post. A friend of mine was having a family crisis and I've been trying to be moral support for her- which has been keeping my occupied.

I am trying to cut him out of my life. It's been hard. My family has always known him as my best friend who was used to always be around, and suddenly he dropped off the face of our world. My family still asks if I've heard from him. I keep saying he's too busy with his new gf. Him and my brother sometimes text. By sometimes, he texted my brother talking about his new girlfriend once. And to ask my brother about something my brother could help him with. His mom still messages me.

To his credit, he did text me after I came back from vacation. He texted me "I hope you are having a fun time." Which I responded with a not so nice answer back. I didn't curse or anything. I just told him I was blocking him because he already turned his back on me for WEEKS when I tried being friends with him. And I'm too tired from trying so long to be the only person trying to rebuild the friendship to someone who only wants to be friends when it was convenient. Now I'm thinking I was being rash. I don't know.

But a week or so later he told my intermediary friend, he'd love to be friend but it's on me 'bc "I" get so mad."... So now I'm not entitled to be angry. I get no apology, no explanation, just an attempt at everything is normal- ignoring the issue (something he always did when he didn't want to deal with something), but it's on me. I don't know... It's late maybe I'm just rambling because my heart is still hurting. Maybe I should try reaching out to him to be friends? But I'm still so angry... and I don't want to pretend everything is fine. I don't want to ignore what happened...

I'm really sorry to hear your story hope. It sounds like the guy's a real dog. I know it hurts right now. you feel like you lost a part of your body and it doesn't ever feel like it will grow back. But it does slowly.

Two months isn't long. They say half the time of the original relationship, so that's going to be a fair while yet. Certainly give yourself a year, okay?

nothing can help you now but time and days away from him. Each day won't seem any better but eventually you'll look back and say 'gosh, 2 months ago i cried every day. Now I only cry a few times a week.'

And then eventually you feel no pain but you're wiser and stronger.

You've been very nice to this guy but now it's time to be nice to you.

I'm sorry but you can't be friends with someone like this. He is playing with your friendship and emotions. You need to find the strength and determination to cut this man out of your life.

I agree with Trisha. It's too fresh u can't be friends.
The guy has no empathy. Turn things around imagine you would have been the first to find a new partner and not him. There's no way I hell he would have been acting like normal friends.
Don't beat urself up.
I guess it could be possible to stay friends in the long run if you really wanted. But not now. Don't force urself. It's to fresh. The guy doesn't h understand ur feelings zero empathy and is "surprised" you're mad wgat an ass! Give urself time. Choose the healthy way and break all contact at least for a few months and see after that. This guy is NOT the friend u thought he was he really isn't. And it's unhealthy to stay in this sick love triangle.
Tale the high read. Choose ur own health. U will find a new man tgats trustworthy and than u will realize u don't need this poisonous guy in ur life

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. Any breakup/end of relationship is a loss and unfortunately, there is grief/bereavement. I know it is hard and sucks because this person meant a lot to you. I was recently in a relationship and broke it off because it was not working because I need someone who wants to be my best friend in a relationship. He never had this type of relationship despite the fact that he was married and lived with a girlfriend for a year. So, even though he is sweet, I realized he is not the right guy for me. I have had relationships with men who had become my best friend and when it ended, I was sad. I did cry and know how sad it feels. I would tell myself, I will cry for a bit for a few days on and off, and then I need to move on. Then, I would take a break from dating, which always helped. It is good that you are keeping yourself busy. Keeping yourself distracted will help you/prevent you from thinking about him. I hope time heals your heart and you can move on from this. Best wishes xo

Riley

I'm sorry you are still hurting. I've been in that same place and I can tell you, for me, the tears are a necessary part of the healing process. Let them flow and cleanse the wound of the heart. It sounds as if you are making some great choices in trying to get back to life and I commend you for those, it's not easy to put yourself back out there and try to get on with life. Wounds of the heart and emotions are really hard for us women. Allow yourself time to heal and try not to have an expectation as to when it should be over. For me, the most strength I found was in my devotional time and prayer and even journaling has helped also. My prayer is you keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long, you'll be surprised how far you came. Hugs and prayers from Texas ; )

Thank you to everyone for your support. I keep reading these posts when I am feeling down and discouraged. All of these posts have helped me feel better. I guess I just got pulled down again when he messaged me... And when my friend said "it was on me" him and I weren't friends. Like maybe I was in the wrong. Like maybe I overreacted to one text and maybe I should forgive him...

Although she is the only one of my friends to say "its on me". And even all my other friends think she is being manipulated by him (actually even my friends who are trying to stay out of it, to not pick sides, got really angry she said that to me). When I pointed all the things he did wrong, she back stepped really fast. But it did make me have doubts about myself again.

But you guys are right, I cannot be friends with him. I wanted so hard to be like my friend who is friends with all her exs. I thought I could because I've always been good at being empathetic and supportive. But even she said, friendship is a two way street, and you are right heartache5- he's not who I thought he was. I have to accept who I thought he was, or who he was 18 years ago, is not who he is now. I have to heal and chose myself. Thank you everyone. And I know it will take time.

And angelheart077, I have been doing my devotionals, daily Bible readings and prayer since I started this post, and it has helped me each and everyday.

Thank you again everyone. Whenever I backslide, I read these posts and they do help me pull myself together. Thank you!