I'd say your chances are not good of reconciling. She's been suffering your abuse for years and finally got fed up and left. The whole having cancer thing probably threw her life into sharp perspective. She probably asked herself if she wants to spend her few remaining days being yelled at treated like crap and found that the answer was no.

Having said all that, I can see by the things you are saying that you see the problem was you and you've accepted responsibility and even got some counseling. You say you are willing to accept responsibility for your PORTION of the problems. Dude, you have to know that flying off the handle in anger with the woman you profess to love dwarfs every other possible problem the two of you could have been having.

Putting her needs first is a great way to show that you've changed. I say if you really love her don't give up. Make sure to treat her right and that she knows you still want to reconcile without pressuring. If she sees with her own eyes over a substantial period of time that you have changed, she may find she wants to take a chance. She married you because she loved you. If you haven't killed it off, there may still be a bit to build off of. Good luck!

PS: If you've ever hit her or harmed her or the kids in any way then f**k off and leave her alone. Sorry, I hate men who engage in domestic violence worse than boils on my bottom.

No, I never harmed anything other than slamming a door or cupboard. I appreciate your honest response. I totally get your comment about my reaction dwarfing her action. In retrospect I would actually mention that to her on occasion. I guess the only way to show her how sincere I am is to change and do it without any expectation of reconciliation. I've learned a lot in this process and I guess that might have to be enough for me. Time will tell.

If she is sexually attracted to you still, I think there’s is a chance.

I say give her some time to heal. Keep being respectful and then maybe in a month or two send her flowers, ask her out for a lunch date or do something to let her know you are knocking on the romance door again. If she responds favorably, start building your relationship back from the ground up.

You have an excellent attitude and I have a good gut feeling about your chances of working things out!

You should clearly express your intention to fix the problem and willing to work on the relationship and ask her to at least try to see the efforts you make and try to see you not in old typical ways but in new light (may need effort from her as depending on how long this issue was going on for, she may have to consciously keep that new perspective on you with intention of reviving the relationship). You should also express your intention to fully commit and still love and care for her.
As for selling the house and living separately as a ways to meet her needs, you will have to clarify why you are doing as she could easily assume that you are on the same page as her and want to separate as well.
I believe giving her the space and time for deep reflection is a good thing but selling the house and getting own separate place sound too permanent and makes things that much more easier for separation. (its like you are setting up the table and food and all she has to do is start eating).
But having said that, forcing against one’s will isn’t a relationship and you both should carefully consider and communicate openly and ultimately, both needs to put the effort into the relationship for it to work in long run.
You should talk about her needs/wants in a relationship and come into some sort of agreement (if there are different to yours) where both of you can be content with. At the end, she needs to be in the same page as you.

Thanks for the well thought out response. My very first words when she told me she wanted to separate were that I planned to fix the parts of me that led to her feeling that way. I started that process immediately. I have since told her again that I'm working to be the man she deserves and that I love her and would do anything to help her feel better and for us to be together. Unfortunately, that anything now includes selling the house and letting her go. If there were anyway I could convince her that our relationship is worth working and fighting for I would, but right now she wants out. She has been fantasizing about being in her own space and out of our house so much that anything less than that would be her selling her self out.

I plan to keep working on things, and to keep showing her that I care without pressuring her. I want her to want to be with me because she falls back in love with me. It feels like a long shot right now, but at least I know I will have plenty of opportunity to be around her with our 2 kids. The one reason I have hope over the long term is that we still have great conversations and laugh together, and we are really working well on coordinating free time for each other. I am hopeful that time and the changes I have made and will continue to make will open up her heart to me. But you're right that the only way we get back together is if we both want that. My goal is to just give myself every chance to allow her to feel that way by being the man I really am and that she deserves.

Thanks for all the replies. This has been a very therapeutic way to deal with this stuff for me. My family only look at this through the eyes of wanting me to be happy, so in a strange way the advice of absolute strangers offers a different and maybe more honest perspective.

Based upon your description, it sounds like she’s being influenced by postpartum depression, and other serious side effects attributed to a serious medical/psychological diagnosis like thyroid cancer. You want your wife back, you want validation! I’d suggest telling her everything you have written here in the forum! Lay it all out on the line, if she’s willing to work with you you’ll know it and at the very least you will know your all was given. I will pray for your success…heavenly Father, hear my prayer and have mercy upon this man, his family, and most of all, his wife! Heal them and restore their marriage! Amen.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I have shared everything with her. I've pleaded with her to work on us. I've shared my revelations about myself, I've been helpful and accommodating to her needs, and I have never lost my patience or yelled since she told me. Unfortunately, her feelings for me are non existent right now. I hold out hope that once we separate she'll see me differently, but if I'm honest, I don't think that's likely. I do think I'm a really good man, and one who is always willing to improve, but I can't make her love me.

I'm really trying to trust that there's a reason and a plan for all of this. I do see that it'll force me to learn to love myself and to overcome pain and fear. My heart is broken right now. I feel guilt, despair, and a little bit like a fool. I want nothing more than us to work to regain our relationship. I hope someday she realized she wants that too, or that I realize I no longer do.

Hang tough even when you think all is lost. It is then that you will see the path to true happiness. When you fix what's broken, regardless of what happens, you will be a better more happy you!

lol. rip that sticky plaster off mate. Don't fool yourself.

She's going, she's leaving, she's gone. you're gone.

She wouldn't be doing you a favour by coming back. You'd immediately lose all impetus to become a better person. going back to someone you've grown out of is never a good idea.

See it from her side. She's sick of your temper, she's come to the conclusion that it isn't going to change and that she won't tolerate it. She's let go of you. She's undone her commitment to you. It's you or her she has realised. And it's going to be her. With the cancer, she probably has to escape you to have any chance of healing.

You take her final consolidation of position, her realisation, her growth moment created from years of experience, and freak out. Her newfound stability destroys your stability. You are only stable when she is in a certain space and she has moved from that space.

So now you race to change things back to how they were. Under pressure. With a gun at your head, you 'realise' a few things about yourself that are new ideas.

So it wasn't you, really, that changed. It is only the gun that makes your temper change.

If she comes back, the gun disappears.

And then what do you think happens.