One of my counselers told me to hold on to the positive. Especially when it come to my marriage. Which I have been doing for the most part I think. But today was different. Today I was very positive. Even though I was stressing out at work about the divorce that hasn't even been filed yet. More stressed out about logical things. Then as I sat there during my lunch break, for some reason I opened my old facebook messages from my husband. I didn't know what to expect to be honest. I didn't even remember the last time we used facebook messaging to talk to each other, Then I opened it to find a very heart felt message that I sent to my husband a long time ago. I almost cried, infront of everyone at work. As I read that message I realized that every since I got married, I never showed or said words of love to my husband like I used to. I looked at those things that I said and was mortified by myself. I had gone to such a dark place that I forgot to tell my husband everything that I was thinking. I forgot to tell him that I was proud of him, that he was the world to me, that I am thankful for him. So I don't blame him for wanting to leave. I made a vow to try and at least say nice things to him whenever I could from now on. With a separating that it hard to do. But even though I did today and even though we had nice conversations and laughed and talked, it was a stab in the heart when he turned me down for sex. That has not happened before even now. We are still intimate and to me it is the only thing that reasures me that there is still hope. I feel no hope now. I feel empty. I feel like a useless piece of shit. Fuck the positive, positive is what is giving me false hope.