Actually my divorce went smoothly. We grew apart and I filed for divorce. Before I did I spoke to her and she was on board. We knew there was no turning back. During the divorce we were very civil about our decisions. There were a few arguments but we both solved them like adults.

I wish I could say the same thing about my last breakup. It was awful. But my marriage ended well and we remained friends and still are friends for the sake of our beautiful daughter.

That's amazing & I'm so glad for your daughter that happened that way, Lonelywolf79! I pray for my kids he will see that's what I want even though I cannot see our personal relationship continuing as spouses. In my state they mandate you take a 3 hr parenting session, which someone who took it said it was an eye opener and she didn't even have a bad divorce. I hope that will help us both focus on the kids in this crappy process.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

Why delay filing? If you have already moved on and even have a new BF, it's time you just do it.

Consult with a lawyer about his statements, but get the ball rolling.

I have retained a lawyer & they are filing the complaint at this time. I have delayed it because he was hurt and initially asked for time to learn to deal with it. We have been to 3 counselors, which he discounted because they didn't help us aka they couldn't change my mind to see past what I have been holding against him in order to remain in the marriage. I understand the delay has caused more pain. I feel terrible for it. The lawyer and I are hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. And fear. Fear has been a leading driver in this all for me because I believed his threats all these years. Shame on me, but with individual therapy I have gained my confidence back and this is what is best for us both, even if he doesn't see it. Idk if that sounds like I'm being selfish or what, but I can't pretend to be in a marriage I don't have trust or security in.

Difference between just ripping the bandaid off and slowly peeling it back.

I always vote for the quick rip.

Someone who doesn't want a divorce will try everything in their power to stop it--including using guilt against you.

You're both in limbo until you do this.

Time to just synch up your belt and do it.

Sure, he won't like it, but how can he like what is going on now any better?

This way, you live your life in the light of the day and legitimately divide material assets.

It gets easier to accept as time goes on.

Thank you, jimthzz. My mom finally just gave me the same advice recently as well. She said enough of my slow peeling; rip it off already....when momma talks, I listen. haha

I'm not looking to take everything he has as we have already been living separately, with our own house bills, since May. I wish him success and happiness and do not feel any money he earns should go to me. He should want to give it to the kids & contribute to their daily lives and their future. Fingers crossed in the success of my vision and for me to not give into his hurtful words and hope he gets the support he needs to be a super awesome dad to his kids now and in their future.

It's cheating if you are seeing someone, but it wouldn't be if he was seeing someone. I was served by my stbx on Mother's Day. As I was walking toward our house from walking the dog, he pulled into the driveway and got out of his car. He handed me a brown envelope. I thought it was some insurance papers. I said, "What's this?" He said, "Divorce papers." He was grinning from ear to ear. I stood there in shock. All I could say was, "Okay." To be honest, our marriage has been various shades of bad almost from day one and we had spoken about getting a divorce many times. However, I thought our plan was to wait until DD finished college so we could pay for it and not burden her with our divorce. I guess I was naive to think he'd give me a heads up that he was filing. When I started calling around to find an attorney, I discovered he had called all the good ones listed on AVVO for a consultation. Consequently, none of them could even speak to me. I found an attorney who came recommended to me from someone else. We are still living in our house together which is VERY difficult and stressful. He continually spies on me, e.g going through our garbage, going through my purse, checking out my FB page and even asking a neighbor to spy on me. As I find out what he's doing, I take measures to prevent it in the future and let my attorney know. It's still hard living like this. I am in therapy, thank God, with a wonderful therapist. It's been a very long road, but I am starting to see some glimmers of hope.

Therapy has been such a blessing for me. I recommend it for anyone going through a divorce!

First, remember that you can't control his actions or reactions, just yours. I understand trying to go the gentle route, but from my experience, it was just a waste of time. I served my stbx, I asked that he be served at the end of his work day, while he was going to his car to leave. That I thought would be better than being served at home (kids), or at the baseball field where he coaches (more kids). I don't know where he is much of the non-work hours, so the end of the work day seemed best. Unfortunately, the server served him in the middle of the work day - came into work and did it in front of everyone. I'm sure it was humiliating. I couldn't control the timeframe, and I apologized but am not holding onto that guilt as he would have me.

Going back, it was 1.5 years ago I "asked" for a divorce. Then we did counseling because he didn't want to divorce (marriage was obviously over years ago - no intimacy on any level - oh and he never made good on counseling the few times before, years ago). I tried to be "gentle" after I saw he put almost no effort into counseling, and suggested that he start talking to friends and family about their experiences with divorce. I suggested mediation but he wouldn't commit to anything. He's so passive that I figured I had to help move him along in the process, because he wasn't likely going to do anything himself. Well, even with my gently prodding, he did nothing for a year. I was emotionally getting myself prepared while he was firmly in denial. I finally filed in May of this year and he said he would do nothing to move the divorce along. And he was true to his word on that count!

They say it takes two to marry but one to divorce. In my case, that's not true, at least not yet. I'm no further along legally than I was in May. He and his lawyer have stalled the process, thrown everything back in my lawyer's face, cancelled appointments last minute, not responded to vocie and emails - you name it, they've done it. Nothing has been signed, not even the case management papers that are "required". So far, his denial and passive aggressiveness are "winning" but I hope to god that eventually the courts will prevail and I can get my divorce.

I hope your stbx does not screw around with the proceedings, but be prepared if he does.

He was served at his parents' house with divorce papers, restraining order, and protective order. After his ride in the police car to the psych hospital. After his pysciotic break. After I asked his parents to help with him. After ruining his 6 figure career. After voice memos of how he basically planned to rape me, how he knew I was planning to kill him because he knew the smoke detectors were bugged. It
was a fun week.
Now I'm a stay at home mom in a small town without major employment opportunities left with nothing but the major debt he drug us into.

I was served by certified letter which was
a good way. I had a suspicion what it was
So i was not blindsided and i could pick it
Up myself with no fanfare. HUGS

HIs threats to "take people out with him" is a serious matter, esp if he is mentally unstable. I would proceed with the divorce with caution and alert the authorities about the threats.

Thank you all for comments and personal experiences. None of this is easy for anyone - on either side.
Justaguest - wow, too many similarities. My drama was ampted up in mid-July. My stbx was evaluated and committed and that was all my fault (but he told others it needed to happen, however, he has NEVER said those words to me - just wants to make sure I feel guilt for putting him "there". He only spent 2 days.) I hope I don't have to do the RO thing. I'm sorry you're left with so much yuck. Plus side is you have your kids. That's priceless. Good luck to you

jojored - I like how you said "asked" for a divorce because I know we ask nicely, but why do we even ask? I guess it's trying to be respectful and communicate how it's all not working. I did that in Feb 2012...clearly he has never wanted it since we are at the end of 2016. Whats interesting is they want to stay married but why when they are now only interesting in causing pain as a "revenge"? I'm sorry your ex is dragging his feet. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I will cross my fingers for you that one day he opens his eyes and realizes it's not healthy for him to drag this out.

ScarletAngel13 - yes, it is a serious matter, but I can only hope he doesn't. I know I have to make sure as soon as he says anything after he is served that I take all threats even more seriously and let the police know. I hate to do that but he also thinks that his window of trying to scare me to not do something is closed. I'm done being bullied with his threats and him using my desire to not have anyone else harmed against me. It's not okay.

Thank you all for your words. I do appreciate it tremendously. I know everyone's story is different and it gives me perspective, as I am trying to divorce with as much of a kind heart as I can. Thank you.