I guess I'm using this first thread here to ask for other personal experiences and advice. I'd love to hear it!

I dont usually talk about the bigger things that bother me. I'll complain about minor things like my dog stealing my sneaker and making me late for work, or that my sister wont share some of her chocolate tiny teddies with me, or something, but it's difficult to me honest about the bogger sort of things because I feel that when I do express it with words, or in cold print, it sounds trivial to my eyes/ears compared to what other's may go through everyday.

I am trying to make an effort to change this though. Why should my problems feel less important than anyone else's eh? Then again, I always have a little voice in the back of my mind saying why should other people's involve us, unless they are directly related, as well.

For the past few days (or week) I haven't really txt anybody, been on msn, emailed etc. When I left for work I wouldn't say much, and when I came home I'd return through the launrdy door if it was unlocked. I'd have a quick bath or read for a bit, post something on FB and then go to sleep between 9:30-10pm. I guess I've mainly just been exausted, physically and mentally.

My parents split up a little under two months ago. I found out through my little sister (17) because I was at work when it was announced. When I came home, my dad confirmed it, but my mum didn't talk about it with me for two days.

For her, she's been over it for years now because she's wanted it to happen since my little brother and sister and I were kids. So for us, even if we've known it was going to happen sooner or later, it's all still very fresh.

They'd had it organised that since my dad is already a fairly sporadic presence because of his work in mining, when he flies home, mum would leave the house and do her own thing, and then when he flew back to the mines, she might come home for a few more days.

Though apparently now that isn't good for my dad. Mum is a very private woman and if she ever does, she tend's to do it in a roundabout way.

My dad is the sort to speculate. Because mum goes out and doesnt tell anyone where she's going, he automatically assumes the worst.

He woke me up about a fortnight ago to tell me that he thinks mum is anorexic. Yeah shes lost a bit of weight the last few months but mainly because she has been sick. She had an ovarian cancer scare about 4 months ago but was given the all clear, she's been sick for a few weeks with a stomach infection. I told him that I know that she's been eating because I've seen her eat. She and I went to a counter meal at a pub and she ate a whole stake, plus chips. She left the veggies, which I picked off her plate because she's never been a big 2 and 5 person. She ate three donuts the other day, and eats copius amounts of cadbury chocolate. When I told him this, he just had this "aw shit, that backfired" look on his face.

He told me he thinks that she may be buying and/or taking drugs as well. He found a piece of paper she'd thrown out that said things like "baking", "burning it up", and "walking into oncoming traffic, what an amusing game". Whether she is or not I dont know but what bothers me more is that he's not only telling me this is what he thinks, but he's hashing out to my little brother and sister telling them what he think's she's doing, asking them for advice.

They are 17 and 15 they do not have the life or age experience to deal with trying to give advice to a 45 year old man. His way of bonding with my brother now, is by telling him what he is speculating, and that's scaring me.

He think's that she may be having an affair (affair being his word. I understand that even if you are technically married, and break up without a divorce, it isn't cheating) because she went to an 18th party but told us all she'd be somewhere else, she dissapeared for a few days and we then find out that she went to the 18th of a girl who's brother dated a friend of mine some years back, when I was 12. The guy is 24 with two kids both under 3 years of age now.

After working with children I've noticed that kids behaviour is often a reflection upon the mother or fathers parenting. Both the kids are happy and healthy. I dont want a reason to hate this guy. I know now that my mum has been staying with his mum on the occasions where she has been away, helping this woman, who is wonderful. After a bad few days at work recently she had even offered to have me eat dinner there with her and my mum, a few drinks and a rant about my week.

The guy is a bit of an idiot, but from my experience I see it as in an endearing way. When my sister asked my mum if she liked him, her reply was "No. Well... no." So there might be something there but I'm at the point where I just dont care if there is or not. I just want to see my brother and sister happy again.

And I feel powerless to help them, and it makes me feel helpless too.

I know that it will get worse before it gets better, even if it doesnt get better, I know it will all get easier.

At the moment I suppose I'm in a spot where I'm tired of my dad's moods. He'll sigh and huff to get our attention. When he calls us its to fish for information on what mum's up to. Most of the time we dont know, and he feels that we're hiding things from him. He told my mum that it was the other way around, that we were fishing for info from him, which upset me. I feel like I was used.

My sister tells me she cries in the shower, my brother cries openly, and I cry in the car on the way to and from work sometimes. Once or twice I've cried at work, because of stress.

I've been getting headaches for a while now. I think they are stress related, even though there is usually some nausia and gut churns that coms with it at times.

I worry that I'm wrong about the state mum's in. Like she is in a worse spot then I think because of my optimism clouding it. I know I've become less optimistic since all this, more blunt and ballsey. I'm worried I'll loose too much of that.

A lot to worry about I suppose.

Thanks for reading!
Ttyl! xxoo