Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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sossie 03/06/2013

So I found out my ex moved this past weekend from his mom's place into one of his own. I can't help but wonder how he is truly doing mentally and with his drinking. I am not sure why I want to know, I just do.

So in my insane overthinking way I start to envision how he is. And it led me down the what if he is better now that I am not there path. I can't help but wonder if I wasn't truly the reason he was drinking and the true reason he couldn't get any better mentally.

I start down the dark path of maybe it was me all along and maybe I will never be in another relationship because I will never be satisfied with what I have. Or maybe I will always look for ways to nit pick everything about the other person.

Logic tells me that this all untrue but I can't help think the what-ifs. I went to bed thinking about all this and of course dreamed about him last night. In my dream I went back to him and spent less than 12 hours in his house and said I can't do this. I truly don't love you and I can't even stand the sight of you and I walked out.

I hate this battle between logic and heart. We have been divorced for 5 months and been separated 10 months. There has not been one day in the last 10 months that I have wanted to go be with him or to even try to rekindle our relationship. I even went as far as changing my number in December just so he wouldn't be able to contact me.

But I just can't help but wonder if it was truly all me?

UGH! Any reassurance or advice on how to make this heart thing stop....

JaniceHayes 03/06/2013

idk, it takes two people for a relationship to go bad. Only you know what your role was. I am currently going through a break up and although my ex says he takes most of the blame, I do know I played a small role in it. After speaking with him Sunday and clearing the air so to speak. I understood what he was saying and agreed. I told him, this is the first time in my life where I wish I could have a do over. Our relationship was good but, starting getting stale around year 5. Although he did say things and make hints, I let them go in one ear and out the other.

deleted_user 03/06/2013

You cannot be the cause of someone else's drinking problem. It is their decision to drink, and their decision to get help for excessive drinking. I was married to an alcoholic, and my father was an alcoholic. I can tell you first hand that there is nothing you could have/should have done for him. They choose alcohol over their family, friends, job, kids, etc. It's a strange disease, but it can be helped with therapy and the sheer willingness to make it stop. My father quit drinking all on his own (after he lost he family), and my STBX still drinks, even though he has lost his family. That's on them, not us. So don't beat yourself up over that kind of stuff. If he does quit drinking, know that you may have played a part in that because you wouldn't put up with it anymore, and he lost a good thing he had. Don't look back, because you can't change the past, and it's up to him to change his future. You did what you had to do to save yourself. If you didn't, who would?

deleted_user 03/06/2013

Hi Sossie: My fear is that if you keep looking back and placing him in your thoughts so much and wondering what he is doing, that it will eventually cause you to seek him out.

It's way past time to let this go and for you to move onward and to a more positive future.

You two divorced and you said he had a drinking problem. I agree with Cheryt that it is HIS problem, not yours and only he could deal with it if he elected to. I'm concerned that if you continued wondered about him, you will eventually contact him to meet and end up back again in a relationship with an alcoholic that you already know goes no where in life and cause too much pain.

Right now, start working with a therapist as to why you are so drawn to thinking so much right now about him. With the therapist work on what part of you is still hanging on, and why, to a person with alcoholism that could not meet your needs. Was there a relative growing up that had alcoholism or someone else that you knew and cared about who was an alcoholic.

Otherwise go to Al-Anon meetings to try to get answers and get your thinking focused back on you and your future. Many hugs.

deleted_user 03/06/2013

most partners don't leave because of their partners. they leave because they refuse to deepen into the relationship because that would involve them contributing more and they don't want to. or, they refuse to develop the side of them that needs expression while remaining true to their partner.

it wasn't you. it wasn't any of us who have been abandoned. the weak one is the one who bailed out or screwed up so badly that they had to be thrown out.

deleted_user 03/06/2013

talking about just this sort of thing with a therapist is really helpful

obsessive thinking is a minds way of trying to make sense out of things, which can be so very difficult when there is so much pain involved

a therapist can help make that sense, and calm a feverish mind down so more healing can take place

sossie 03/06/2013

So on my way home from work this afternoon I was of course doing what I do best and thinking. And it hit me that the feelings are all the same but my circumstances are different.

For the last 6 years of our 7 years of marriage I felt alone and unloveable and worthless. Now most of those feelings came from his abuse and insanity but I have never been skinny nor have I ever been one with high self esteem to begin with so those things played right into his game.

Now here I am with the same feelings of being unworthy and unloveable and unattractive but this time I am not married but free to move on with my life to make the changes to love my self and Take care of my self.

I still like to think I came away from this mess mostly unharmed but the more and more I have to deal with these insane emotions the more I realize is that nope it all affected me way more than I want to acknowledge.

So I am finally going to do it.....I am going to find a therapist to help me work through this. I want to heal and be better desperately.

deleted_user 03/07/2013

Good for you! You're doing something for yourself, and you will be all the better for it. I've been seeing one ofr 1-1/2 years now, and it has really helped me to get through my divorce with my alcoholic STBX. They can really do a number on us! But it's up to us to make ourselves better. You'll get there.

deleted_user 03/07/2013

You are taking the right steps to a better, and healthier situation, and good for you! You deserve that! When we go through breakups, and we start to miss someone, we tend to think about all the good things about that person, and we fail to think about the negative things and the reasons why the relationship ended. It's not a matter of pointing fingers and casting blame, it's accepting things for what they are, and just the fact that it didn't work. We also tend to analyze the what if's and think we can change things and save it, don't do that to yourself...not only that, you will never give yourself a chance to heal and move on, and will be stuck in a vicious cycle.

Just remember that things ended for a reason, and no matter what happens in our lives, whether it be a breakup, divorce, etc.., it's steering us in the right direction, and taking us on a path. It is going to take time to heal...slowly maybe, but surely. Start learning to love yourself..physically and as a person in general. Hang in there and stay positive!

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