Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I had one final conversation with her in which we talked about divorce paperwork and lawyers, and I asked her to reconsider. I am lucky she has remained so solid, she has not wavered for a single second in almost 2 months since she announced her decision (I know other people haven't been as lucky, my heart goes out to you!).
She reiterated that we're just not right for each other and she's been feeling that way for many years (in spite of talk about buying a new car and having children until just a month before the divorce announcement).
Anyhow, the fact is I am now certain that it is over, but my heart is just as broken. It's weird that the emotional side can be lagging so far behind the rational side. I can clearly see that my path is to just rebuild myself, learn to be alone and to actually enjoy being alone, and then, if I feel like it, find other women and let other women find me, after a number of months of proper solitude and self-appreciation. I say I can see the path, but I can't seem to decide to walk it.
Or actually, maybe I am walking it already: I'm working out, I'm trying to make new friends, learn new hobbies or re-take old ones... all of the stuff in the books, but I still feel sad. Some days are better, and some points of some days are actually good, but over the last two days I've had a frown that I can't seem to get rid of. I'm not a guy who frowns, quite the opposite, but this prospect of a lonely future is just so daunting... I hate the idea of living alone and doing life alone, and I know this is wrong; I'm doing my best to get rid of this thought and feeling.
I'm planning a road trip on my own for next week. So far my road trips were almost all with her, which taints the planning and maybe the trip itself in a negative tinge instead of a positive one about self-discovery and self-appreciation. I'm fighting it with all I have, but I keep going back to being sad and angry she found it easier to replace me than to fight for me as I was willing to fight for her. I think that when you marry you choose the person over not only everyone you've ever met but also over everyone you'll ever meet. I don't want to be angry at her for thinking differently.
In fact, I know I simply need to stop thinking about her altogether, she's gone and I'm here, I'll always be here, with me. But I can't manage to convince myself that being alone is not a punishment, that 100% me is not a consolation prize, and that as long as I feel that way I should not be in a relationship with anyone. I guess I don't like me too much right now, and honestly, I can't blame me, I'm nowhere near my best... and I guess that's just it! I need to build myself into a me I can like spending time with! None of my hobbies, skills, talents, appearance, successes, and virtues mean anything to her anymore, so they lost value for me; yet I do value that she left me because of my shortcomings. How silly is that!
Anyhow, that's me right now. I'm fighting this. I'll take any comments or any stories of similar paths, and if any of you wants to spiritually join me on my road trip, you're all very welcome =)
@Infinite: I send your boy all the love in the world. He will be fine if you each do your half properly. All the best of success =)
@bees, that's my fear: falling into a relationship out of fear of being alone. Meeting "a" girl and mistaking her for "the" girl, or worse, actually meeting "the" girl and screwing it all up two months or two years down the line because I never properly healed. I don't want to force myself to soldier through loneliness if the right person comes along in a couple of months, but I'd rather take it very slowly and work on myself instead if I can. I am going out and meeting people all the time, so chances are sooner than later there will be a girl that resonates, and I don't want to rationalize the chemistry to blind myself from her flaws while over-scaling her virtues. I will aim to be strong to stay away from girls for a few months at least.
Why is it that if something is hurting us we don't just let go emotionally?
Why do we want to keep what's hurting us?
This is worth exploring, because these attachments are usually related to some past wound that needs our attention.
So, it is very possible that I am holding on because I want her to forgive me, because if she did do that then I could forgive myself too. Obviously a terribly flawed argument, since I need to find forgiveness within myself.
Secondly, I think I may be in a situation in which I want to put myself through a lot of pain so that I can come out clean in the end, saying to myself "yes, I screwed up, but then I suffered a lot for it, so it's ok to move on". Also flawed, and for the same reason as above.
My main issue is I feel guilty that I screwed up much of my marriage (not all of it, she made plenty of mistakes as well, particularly half-forgiving me), and cannot find the strength to both own it and forgive myself. If I own it, I break, and if I ignore it, I fall into denial. So I'm trapped inside my own head and she has essentially nothing to do with any of this.
Resurgam~
When you are grieving the powerful Uncomfortable
feelings and emotions are going To come whether
we want them to or not.
It all takes time to detach, work thru the mild
Depression, anxiety and stress that happens
To us. Your whole life is up side down and you
are Not happy about it and Change is hard for
Most of us.
I try to just be gentle with myself, treat myself as
My new best friend and do the best i can. That is
all I really ask of myself even now. Time takes time.
This is a long hard road the longer the marriage
The harder it is to move thru all the muck. At least
I had a lot of muck, the good parts are really not a
concern, Its the bad that needs examination of my
part that i played too.
As someone looking in, you sound a lot better now.
When the other spouse is check out and bonded with
someone new there Is not a thing you can do, but Move
on and try to heal yourself, it still hurts though, HUGS
I guess we on the same journey. My thoughts are with you.
Yes it is very complex to sort through with your mind and emotions. I think God created us that way so we need counsel from others as we are often blinded by both intellect and feelings as we are going through painful experiences.
I think you are way ahead of the game! You are taking a bit of a break from home, taking a road trip, asking the right questions…. etc Yes, it will take time, but have you thought about a plan of actions maybe afterwards? Have you thought to seek help from a professional counselor to walk through this season of life? The reason I say that is because I think too often we put a bandage over a painful experience not knowing that we needed a huge operation of surgery done to our body! That doesn’t really heal well does it? It may be for you or may not be. It was helpful for me.
I pray this journey and road trip you will take bit a trip of a lifetime that you will begin to rediscover some things you’ve never seen and be a healing process my friend.