omg.....Still he has no excuse, unless you completely ignored his tries to fix the marriage. I am sure if he would tell you something you would try to fix the problem. He walked away while you were still married. He is to blame.

I understand what you are saying, but that is no excuse for him to cheat on you. There is a thing called communication and he should have talked to you and let you know that things were ok and he wasn't happy.

correction things were NOT ok...

wow,Melin, same time same thought)))))))))))))

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. You are NOT to blame for his infidelity. Just because there are problems in a marriage is no excuse for what he did. He had every chance to come to you respectfully and say he was unhappy or wanted things to change and to actually put some effort into your marriage and helping you with your kids. Of course you put everything in to raising them, that's what good parents do.

IMO, he just chose to be selfish and look for an escape, rather than being a real man and taking care of his wife and children and honoring his commitment. For pete's sake, if he was unhappy, he OWED it to you to say something. 19 years together deserves honesty and some conversation, not running around with the first homewrecker he could find.

You are doing the right thing. You are doing what a good parent does. He checked out like a coward and it will come back to bite him in the end. He may seem happy now but that "connection" they have won't last forever. Then what will they have? A relationship built on lies and deceit.

Be strong, and do not hold yourself responsible for his crappy choices. He's an adult and he made this mistake on his own.

kids do become the priority, did he come to you and tell you he was unhappy. did he talk to you at all. we are not mind readers. take what you feel is your responsibility and acknowledge it, forgive yourself and let it go. i think most of them men/women just take the easy way out. hang in there. you have a new life to build. xoxoxoxoxox

The looking back is hard but don't second guess yourself. I'm coming to terms with my part (I too put a lot into my kids -- someone needed to) and we lost the type of connection of early marriage. But there are stages and it's a two way street. A marriage requires both persons to meet the needs of each other and the family. Mine wouldn't go to counseling. The loneliness we both experienced a result of a lack of commitment to the sometimes hard work that a marriage needs at time.

There is no excuse I agree BP for a partner to opt out -- through an affair. Do not blame yourself. You and your children should have never been an option -

Since coming here, I've heard the phrase never make a priority someone who is making you an option and I agree wholeheartedly! I wasn't married as long as you, but my stbx started his affair when our baby was less than 1 week old. After the discovery he left instead of trying to do counseling and hasn't seen the baby, nor does he want to. Totally selfish! Hang in there!

He is an adult and he made his own horrible decision. It has nothing to do with you. He was foolish and weak.

Right now, you need to take care of your kids and yourself. That's all you should concern yourself with.

Take care and good luck!

limt, I think my stbs and yours were separated at birth.

(((Hugs))) and prayers for your kids too.

BTW: Don't be surprised if he recreates history in order to justify his choices. Funny how things that didn't seem to be an issue for him before become all your fault and monumentally important now. While we can all learn from our past mistakes, don't beat yourself up for his.

I don't care how manipulative, ignorant, abusive, neglectful, etc... a person may or may not be, they are NEVER at fault for their spouse cheating...

If you were really that bad, and he really couldn't get you to fix your ways after trying everything under the sun and youjust refused to change your ways, and it was abusive enough that he needed affirmation or a sence of being wanted, loved, needed, etc... then he should have divorced you AND THEN slept with someone else.

i don't care the situation, i don't care the excuses... there is NO situation under the sun that can justify cheating on your partner...

could you be at fault for the marriage breaking down and ending up in divorce... possibly... but you ARE NOT responsible for him deciding to break his vows to you and find someone new to become emotionally, physically or intelectually involved with.

you may very well carry your share of the blame for the marriage dissolving and becoming untenable... but you do not hold ANY blame for him cheating on you.

not one bit.

I so agree you are NOT at fault for his decision to cheat. That was a choice in my book.

That being said, we do need to take time to take care of our spouses, not just the kids. Brushing a dh off sexually and putting him to the side does not seem like a good plan.

deviant sex is another story...(maybe a new thread, LOL).

Waiting for you to start that thread Hiker!