Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
A year and a half ago i started dating a guy i met through an online dating website. From the first time we met in person it was magic. It seemed like we've known each other for ever and after the second time we met for drinks and dancing, he invited me to be his date to his Xmas party. I'm telling you, we hit it off immediately. Long story short, we started sleeping together pretty early on, (mistake, i know) and our fling lasted about 5 of 6 months. We realized we were partying and drinking too much and basically were going nowhere. We took a break and decided to be friends. Barely spoke and didn't see each other for about a month, then reconnected.
The Sunday we decided to have dinner for the first time after not seeing each other was memorial day weekend. Unfortunately, that Saturday he got a ticket for "Boating While Intoxicated." It was memorial day weekend the cops were hungry and looking for prey. Unluckily, he got a ticket which the court treats just like a DWI. Anyway, we still had dinner on Sunday as planned and talked about the recent events. I have a criminal justice background and asked if i could read his paperwork. From the moment he got in trouble, i was there. helping him select a lawyer, helping write letters to the judge, etc. I cared about him and I was relatively familiar with the court systems and processes, where he had no idea. It was like second nature to me. I knew what to do.
Since that date, 6 more months had passed. We bonded, we spent a lot of time together and my old feelings were coming back and getting stronger. I lashed out one day in a text during a weak emotional moment (we'll call PMS) and told him that i couldn't be his friend anymore because me feelings were still there, only now, they were stronger. He responded and said that he "wasn't ready to take it to the next level, however, he would pray for us both because we both deserved the best." I replied and said that I wasn't 100% ready for the next level either and that i would pray too.
I did my best not to contact him the following day. I couldn't do it. Didn't even make it a full 24 hours. What a lame duck! So i pick up the phone and text him, "I'm sorry." He asked, "for what?" I told him I was sorry for saying that i cant be hi friend because the truth is, I love being your friend. (We basically had become like Best Friends, everyone saw that too.) After brief banter, we were friends again and it was like nothing changed. I started bringing my kids (2 daughters) around him and he brought me to his dad's birthday dinner with the family where I met both parents that night for the first time. (I previously met the sister, her husband and her 2 grown sons before. They were at dinner too.) It seemed like our friendship was going to turn into something more.
This continued for another few months, he bought my daughters xmas presents (fishing poles) and his mother even bought me and my girls little gifts. It got warmer outside so we started making plans to get a beach house for the weekend and go fishing with my daughters to use our new poles! He wanted to take his parents too. I started freaking out. A weekend with his parents and my daughter's all in the same beach house! Was he trying to show ME AND His parents that "this is the woman I plan to marry and these are her children?? My thoughts were spinning. I started analyzing every action and hanging on every word, wondering what his actual intentions were. Before beginning to plan the fishing trip, I should mentioned that he brought me to his sister's b-day dinner at her house where we all stood around and held hands in prayer before eating dinner. He also gave me his mother's cell phone number and asked me if I could call her and help her with something. He's obviously comfortable "letting me into the family." I couldn't handle the "unknown" anymore.
I reach out to his best friend, who i have become friends with over time. I told him I am having trouble with maintaining a friendship with "you know who" because I still have a lot of feelings. The friend offered little help, but did say that he knows the recent court stuff with the BWI caused some emotional instability. (It includes probation, a breathalizer in the car, AA classes, over $13k in court costs, lawyers, fees etc.) He also told me that he KNOWS it is not because of the kids. So, i decide to call the love of my life and just tell him how i feel.
I call. It's Wednesday night, i'm nervous. I almost chickened out. LONGER Story, short, go over several events from recent months. Explained that we've been getting closer, coming around each other's families, etc. I told him that i had trouble being his friend which he seemed surprised because we previously talked about this back in December. I told him that i thought i could be hi friend. but now i realize that i can't. I reminded him of his previous comment about not being ready to take things to the next level, whatever that means! He told me that basically the next level would move us more into an intimate relationship. He told me, "the only reason i would progress our relationship into something more physical would be I there was no doubt in my mind that I saw it leading to marriage. He said, right now, i can't say that." I thanked him for his honesty and told him i guess maybe i'll see you around. He replied, "well, I'll be here." I hung up.
Super week moment 2 days later, i text him saying i made a mistake and sent him a link to a video with a song called, "your my best friend."
He responded the next morning and said, "it's not your mistake."
It's been only 5 days since the phone and 2 days since the last brief text correspondence.
My question that i would like help to answer from the audience out there is, "WHAT IS HIS FREAKING DEAL?" All of his actions showed that things were moving right along. Maybe this time we're doing things "the right way." All together, it's been almost 18 months since we first met. How can he say we are just friends, yet, treat me like a girlfriend?
Uugghh! Please help.
Confused.
The Sunday we decided to have dinner for the first time after not seeing each other was memorial day weekend. Unfortunately, that Saturday he got a ticket for "Boating While Intoxicated." It was memorial day weekend the cops were hungry and looking for prey. Unluckily, he got a ticket which the court treats just like a DWI. Anyway, we still had dinner on Sunday as planned and talked about the recent events. I have a criminal justice background and asked if i could read his paperwork. From the moment he got in trouble, i was there. helping him select a lawyer, helping write letters to the judge, etc. I cared about him and I was relatively familiar with the court systems and processes, where he had no idea. It was like second nature to me. I knew what to do.
Since that date, 6 more months had passed. We bonded, we spent a lot of time together and my old feelings were coming back and getting stronger. I lashed out one day in a text during a weak emotional moment (we'll call PMS) and told him that i couldn't be his friend anymore because me feelings were still there, only now, they were stronger. He responded and said that he "wasn't ready to take it to the next level, however, he would pray for us both because we both deserved the best." I replied and said that I wasn't 100% ready for the next level either and that i would pray too.
I did my best not to contact him the following day. I couldn't do it. Didn't even make it a full 24 hours. What a lame duck! So i pick up the phone and text him, "I'm sorry." He asked, "for what?" I told him I was sorry for saying that i cant be hi friend because the truth is, I love being your friend. (We basically had become like Best Friends, everyone saw that too.) After brief banter, we were friends again and it was like nothing changed. I started bringing my kids (2 daughters) around him and he brought me to his dad's birthday dinner with the family where I met both parents that night for the first time. (I previously met the sister, her husband and her 2 grown sons before. They were at dinner too.) It seemed like our friendship was going to turn into something more.
This continued for another few months, he bought my daughters xmas presents (fishing poles) and his mother even bought me and my girls little gifts. It got warmer outside so we started making plans to get a beach house for the weekend and go fishing with my daughters to use our new poles! He wanted to take his parents too. I started freaking out. A weekend with his parents and my daughter's all in the same beach house! Was he trying to show ME AND His parents that "this is the woman I plan to marry and these are her children?? My thoughts were spinning. I started analyzing every action and hanging on every word, wondering what his actual intentions were. Before beginning to plan the fishing trip, I should mentioned that he brought me to his sister's b-day dinner at her house where we all stood around and held hands in prayer before eating dinner. He also gave me his mother's cell phone number and asked me if I could call her and help her with something. He's obviously comfortable "letting me into the family." I couldn't handle the "unknown" anymore.
I reach out to his best friend, who i have become friends with over time. I told him I am having trouble with maintaining a friendship with "you know who" because I still have a lot of feelings. The friend offered little help, but did say that he knows the recent court stuff with the BWI caused some emotional instability. (It includes probation, a breathalizer in the car, AA classes, over $13k in court costs, lawyers, fees etc.) He also told me that he KNOWS it is not because of the kids. So, i decide to call the love of my life and just tell him how i feel.
I call. It's Wednesday night, i'm nervous. I almost chickened out. LONGER Story, short, go over several events from recent months. Explained that we've been getting closer, coming around each other's families, etc. I told him that i had trouble being his friend which he seemed surprised because we previously talked about this back in December. I told him that i thought i could be hi friend. but now i realize that i can't. I reminded him of his previous comment about not being ready to take things to the next level, whatever that means! He told me that basically the next level would move us more into an intimate relationship. He told me, "the only reason i would progress our relationship into something more physical would be I there was no doubt in my mind that I saw it leading to marriage. He said, right now, i can't say that." I thanked him for his honesty and told him i guess maybe i'll see you around. He replied, "well, I'll be here." I hung up.
Super week moment 2 days later, i text him saying i made a mistake and sent him a link to a video with a song called, "your my best friend."
He responded the next morning and said, "it's not your mistake."
It's been only 5 days since the phone and 2 days since the last brief text correspondence.
My question that i would like help to answer from the audience out there is, "WHAT IS HIS FREAKING DEAL?" All of his actions showed that things were moving right along. Maybe this time we're doing things "the right way." All together, it's been almost 18 months since we first met. How can he say we are just friends, yet, treat me like a girlfriend?
Uugghh! Please help.
Confused.
"How can he say we are just friends, yet, treat me like a girlfriend?"
It sounds like neither of you clarified your definition of friend and girlfriend with each other. And that causes great misunderstandings.
Instead either of you checking things out directly with each other, you both just kept assuming things differently than the other was, and you asked his friend instead of him. It's never a good idea to ask someone else what the other person thinks/feels because they don't really know. They are only guessing or assuming.
But, I see an even bigger problem. Your references to alcohol & especially his DWI. Based on the consequences, I would say he was legally impaired big time. Drinking can definitely interfere with having healthy relationships.
It is quite possible that has some serious issues w/alcohol and that makes him less than a good prospect for a healthy relationship, and frankly even for friendship. Alcohol affects the brain, personality and emotions in many ways - none of them positive.
You might want to check out alanon and CoDA (codependents anonymous). And consider going No Contact w/him.
~healing hugs~
He has been kind of clear that he isn't ready for the next level and has been up front and honest with you since you told him your real feelings. Then you told him you wanted to be friends and you continued to be friends. While things continued normally for him, your expectations were growing because of your feelings and wants. Its natural and no ones fault; his nor yours. But it is what is leading you to this website and post.
His intentions, it appears, is to date someone he sees a long term future with; marriage which was his last reason. This I would commend in anyone as most would lead someone on just to get what they know they can from that person. He doesn't appear to be leading you on regardless of the time spent together, with or without family, etc. Its you putting the "value" or thoughts on that time together. This is stuff you all have done and to be honest, him bringing his parents in is a nice progression. Slow, (as most see it now-a-days), but a nice progression I think. Im not a fast mover when dating, some of us are still old school.
I bet he does have feelings for you but right now, he can't see what he needs to see in a relationship with you. It could be for a variety of reasons; mostly his big legal issues I am guessing. But what you are doing is pretty much giving ultimatums each time. Going back and forth with your texts is only complicating things not only for you but him. And, if someone was doing that with me, (and its happened), I tend to start to shy away from them more.
My suggestion is take what he can give right now and temper yourself to whats really happening, not what you want to happen. Or, you can walk away and not be friends at all. But know, if you walk away you have to stay gone. Going back and forth may not bode well for you and give him the impression of instability where they may not be.