Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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CKellie 01/22/2017

This is my second post...thank you all for listening and offering feedback. My husband left me December 12th, and filed for divorce January 12th. Our marriage has been rocky, with him leaving me quite a few times, but when he is home he is wonderful. I do NOT want a divorce, and it has completely broken my heart that all of this is happening. We have a three year old son, and he is step-daddy to my 7 and 10 year old from my first marriage. We've both been through a lot, and have quite a bit of stress that I think has led to a lot of our fallouts. :( Our marriage and our family is worth fighting for though. I miss my husband so much! It feels like I'm being completely thrown away and I'm worthless now. We were doing well the day before he left...actually slept together twice the day before things blew up, and everything was "I love you" and happy before a stupid argument that escalated to him leaving. :(

Since he has been gone he has barely spoken to me...won't make eye contact with me when he does seem me to exchange our son, and texts one word responses to most of my texts. He physically hurt me during the argument and right before leaving, so I'm hoping that there is some shame inside of him for what he did, and that's why he's struggling to make eye contact. I have laid it out for him and told him how much I love him, miss him, and want to work through our problems. This week, I asked him if we could talk about the papers (I do not want to retain an attorney unless I absolutely know we can't work through this and cancel the divorce proceedings...it will turn into a custody war as he filed for sole custody). He was pretty cold to me about it, saying "talk is cheap, especially from you" :( But after I said more about how I feel and how much this is hurting me and I feel we could get through it, he finally said "We may be able to meet Tuesday evening". I'm so nervous. I want to talk to him. I think we badly need to look at each other face to face and have this conversation, but I'm so afraid of him hurting me worse emotionally. I've given him so much, and I feel like I'm wide open for him to hurt me more. But, I absolutely want to know I've done all I can to try to save our marriage.

A friend showed me a Facebook post he made this weekend...sharing a video of "15 ways to keep your relationship working"...hypocritical, or maybe he's finally feeling some of this?? But then I also was shown that he later posted a quote that said "it may be scary to he alone, but staying in a bad relationship will damage you". :(

I feel like I'm totally reaching for any sign that we could work through this. I'm scared.

I love my husband, and I know that we could get through anything if he would be willing to see us as a team and worth fighting for. :(

Do you have any suggestions if he goes through with meeting with me Tuesday? I don't want to push him away, and this will be the first time since he's been gone that he's been at all willing to talk.

onedayatatimeforme 01/23/2017

I am sorry that you are going through this it seems that he has some issues of his own that he needs to work on and he is having a hard time fighting his own demons , you were the one he took it out on and that is wrong no one deserves that. Your marriage has had its good, bad and ugly which has resulted in him filling for a divorce. He needs his time to work through his issues that you no matter how hard you try you can not fix his issues. As difficult as it sounds you should separate yourself from him so that you can take the time to heal because having contact with him only gives you hope that could be false hope and that only adds more pain. I think that if and I say if you did meet with him that you should be strong even if you have to pretend and stand tall . I am sure your want answers as to why and is there a chance to change his mind , there is really no good answer that will make you feel better . Your a mom and that is a priceless job so now you need to focus on the kids and yourself . Remember god does not give us anything that we can not handle and it may seem you cant handle this but you can.

CKellie 01/23/2017

Thank you for writing back. You're right....I do want to know if there is any way to salvage our relationship. It's really hard, because things would go from being so amazing for us, to him leaving. I know that the good times were real also, and I don't know that he thinks about that. Our family is worth fighting for. :(

jjhope 01/23/2017

My advice would be to go to your meeting on Tuesday and be pleasant and in a problem solving mode such as how to arrange child care between the two of you ,etc. but not to try to get him to return home. As hard as it is, put on a brave face and act as though you will survive this separation just fine. If he sees that you aren't needy with him he will be more likely to respect you and rethink his position. It sounds like you have already let him know that you want to stay married and want to work it out so it is counter productive to keep repeating yourself. Let him miss you and wonder about whether you will take him back. Sad to say but it creates more interest for him. It tends to be how human nature works. If you have access to it, a book that is helpful is Dr James Dobson "Love Must be Tough" which explains this dynamic in depth. Hope it works out for you! My prayers and thoughts are with you.

CKellie 01/23/2017

Thank you so much @jjhope. I actually own that book, but haven't delved into it. (Probably because I realize how horrible I am at establishing boundaries and not being the one to keep trying to work on things). I agree that he knows where I stand. I think seeking clarification on if the divorce is truly what he wants is where I need to be at. And definitely talking about arrangements for our sweet baby boy. He's only 3 and is so torn. :( This morning he started fussing and said "I need my daddy." But then I told him he was picking him up from daycare today and he said "No, I need you!" :(

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