Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ten years ago at age 27 I was in a relationship with a man for five years that had been I thought great until the day he told me we needed to go to counseling.
Three weeks later he was gone. After one session he told me he no longer wanted to be with me. The shock and devastation was nearly crippling for me.
A week later while looking for apartments (as I had to leave our shared condo) he drove past me with a woman in his car. A woman who 9 months later had his baby. I don't believe he was physically cheating on me with her but he was no doubt emotionally entangled with her before he decided to end our relationship...a situation that actually feels worse.
It took 3 years and much therapy, self reflection of my own part in the end of the relationship and what feels like a prison sentence of unhappiness before I really moved on. The hurt is still there but it feels like something to get past, not try to pretend I'll ever forget.
After many years of dating I met someone and have been in a relationship almost two years ago to the day. To even be in a relationship where I allow myself to be vulnerable sometimes feels like absolute insanity. How could I be with anyone who on the whim of any human heart could tear my life apart?
But to connect is to be vulnerable right? And all any of us really want in this life is to connect. To be seen and touched, care care for and be cared for. So I was and have been brave. I decided to hold my fear in check and live.
But so often and this few weeks in particular have been hard.
For eight years before this man I was single. I picked myself up from a terrible blow and despite the new understanding that safety is an illusion I still fought for happiness and took risks, beside we're here to live not to be safe right?
But as the our relationship lengthens and the underlying ties between us wind together my fear seems to grow instead of lessen. He's not a verbose man and chooses to show in action more than in words how he feels. The problem with this is that in the silence my mind and heart create negative answers, negative dialogue. We had a terrible interaction today where my insecurity and fears burst all over him. I asked him if "he even wanted to be with me anymore" a vulnerable plea that is rife with desperation and no doubt causes more harm than anything. I'm ashamed to say that I'm ashamed of what I said.
I pride myself on being strong but to have a healthy relationship is to be able to be at times weak yes?
My issues with my break up from ten years ago seem to seep and fester into my every thought when it comes to how I deal with my current relationship.
Remember-
Be strong but be available
Be able to accept help but for god sake be independent!!
Be pretty but be natural
Be fun but don't be flaky
Be all the things he may need or want all at the same time so that in the future you won't find yourself riding in a car with someone who tells you that they're unhappy and want to go to therapy.
Impossible I know.
But I find myself still wracking my brain trying to figure out the secret formula on how to keep myself safe from such potential outcomes.
Often the struggle within myself - The practical realist who tells me nothing is safe. You have to look within yourself for the security you need, no one can give it to you. If I'm not good enough as is then it's not to be anyway. And The scared human who wants to hold on to what she's found. Hold tight (for just about the worst reason) because there aren't many good men out there, damn if I'm going to let my fear make me self destruct. If I need to be more of this or that then do it...
All conflicting often all the time. Sometime the voices are at a low hum. These few weeks they've been shouting in my ear.
At times I want to break it off if only to be free of the nagging voices but to do so would be so cowardly and if I hold one thing in the world most important it's bravery.
What does one do when ones worst enemy lives inside?
Therapy? Check. Self affirmation? Check. Support from a wonderful friend? Check Drunken karaoke at 3 am? Check.
Somethings we just live with. I know I'm in good company, many people cope with the same or similar crap.
Feel free to shout out if you've got a story.
Three weeks later he was gone. After one session he told me he no longer wanted to be with me. The shock and devastation was nearly crippling for me.
A week later while looking for apartments (as I had to leave our shared condo) he drove past me with a woman in his car. A woman who 9 months later had his baby. I don't believe he was physically cheating on me with her but he was no doubt emotionally entangled with her before he decided to end our relationship...a situation that actually feels worse.
It took 3 years and much therapy, self reflection of my own part in the end of the relationship and what feels like a prison sentence of unhappiness before I really moved on. The hurt is still there but it feels like something to get past, not try to pretend I'll ever forget.
After many years of dating I met someone and have been in a relationship almost two years ago to the day. To even be in a relationship where I allow myself to be vulnerable sometimes feels like absolute insanity. How could I be with anyone who on the whim of any human heart could tear my life apart?
But to connect is to be vulnerable right? And all any of us really want in this life is to connect. To be seen and touched, care care for and be cared for. So I was and have been brave. I decided to hold my fear in check and live.
But so often and this few weeks in particular have been hard.
For eight years before this man I was single. I picked myself up from a terrible blow and despite the new understanding that safety is an illusion I still fought for happiness and took risks, beside we're here to live not to be safe right?
But as the our relationship lengthens and the underlying ties between us wind together my fear seems to grow instead of lessen. He's not a verbose man and chooses to show in action more than in words how he feels. The problem with this is that in the silence my mind and heart create negative answers, negative dialogue. We had a terrible interaction today where my insecurity and fears burst all over him. I asked him if "he even wanted to be with me anymore" a vulnerable plea that is rife with desperation and no doubt causes more harm than anything. I'm ashamed to say that I'm ashamed of what I said.
I pride myself on being strong but to have a healthy relationship is to be able to be at times weak yes?
My issues with my break up from ten years ago seem to seep and fester into my every thought when it comes to how I deal with my current relationship.
Remember-
Be strong but be available
Be able to accept help but for god sake be independent!!
Be pretty but be natural
Be fun but don't be flaky
Be all the things he may need or want all at the same time so that in the future you won't find yourself riding in a car with someone who tells you that they're unhappy and want to go to therapy.
Impossible I know.
But I find myself still wracking my brain trying to figure out the secret formula on how to keep myself safe from such potential outcomes.
Often the struggle within myself - The practical realist who tells me nothing is safe. You have to look within yourself for the security you need, no one can give it to you. If I'm not good enough as is then it's not to be anyway. And The scared human who wants to hold on to what she's found. Hold tight (for just about the worst reason) because there aren't many good men out there, damn if I'm going to let my fear make me self destruct. If I need to be more of this or that then do it...
All conflicting often all the time. Sometime the voices are at a low hum. These few weeks they've been shouting in my ear.
At times I want to break it off if only to be free of the nagging voices but to do so would be so cowardly and if I hold one thing in the world most important it's bravery.
What does one do when ones worst enemy lives inside?
Therapy? Check. Self affirmation? Check. Support from a wonderful friend? Check Drunken karaoke at 3 am? Check.
Somethings we just live with. I know I'm in good company, many people cope with the same or similar crap.
Feel free to shout out if you've got a story.
Here goes anyway. If you're at the stage when you feel you can be with someone else that's a huge step forward. However that's also where you can do a lot of harm so if you feel the need to erupt from time to time do so. Simple I know just go for it it's at least honest. But when you do realise what you've done and be sure to apologise afterwards. That's only fair. Let yourself feel scared from time to time then always let these feelings pass.
I hate to say it but from my own breakup I've realised that thee is no security, no safety, and no guarantees when you're dealing with another person that's the bad news but it should also make the times you can spend together and happy all the more special.
I'm honestly looking forward to the day this advice applies to me. Please keep hoping and trying.