To be blunt, it's time to shit or get off the pot. Either figure out how to repair your marriage or end it.

Well the divorce is where to start. Hire a lawyer, file divorce papers, expect a fight over child support- and eventually it will be over... and you'll be ready to move forward.

My advice about friends and family who judge or don't treat you well, is to start ignoring them. Unfriend them on social media, block them on your phone, etc. I did this and was surprised at how empowering it is to ignore people. Surprisingly, I seem to have their respect, even though I initiated the divorce and they probably believe, or once believed, my ex's lies. I wonder why they treat you bad? Is he telling them something false about you, maybe saying you don't let him see the kids or something? From your story, he mentioned divorce first, so shouldn't they be mad at him? You say no divorce yet, but have you filed? If not, I suggest being first to file, get a child support order and schedule in place. I wish you well.

I have filed for the divorce he was dragging his feet and I was tired of waiting. The divorce isn't finalized yet because everything is a fight with him.

I know he is lying to people. He has told them I cheated and I was abusive when it was him who did those things. For the most part I ignore people just this week it's been getting to me more than usual

I feel for you, my ex dragged his feet for a year. In my state, once you file, the court immediately sets a trial date one year into the future. We were 6 days away from that date when we finally finished the marital settlement agreement. Everyone said our divorce should have been easy, he just fought it every step of the way (by doing nothing and everything, nothing to move the process along and everything to halt it). I don't know what my ex says to family and friends. I don't care that much, really. A little, but I sleep really well at night knowing I did the right thing for me, him and the kids. And my kids know that too.

As far as bribing him to see his own kids, I'd stop that. If he doesn't want a relationship with them, that's his problem, his loss, and maybe they wouldn't be so bad off not contacting a deadbeat dad. When they're old enough, they'll see how he really is. I would suggest not getting in the way of them getting together, but also not doing anything to get them together, unless the kids are asking and too young to call him themselves.

I'm so sorry. The first thing you should do is stop paying him to see the kids. They will figure out what he is and isn't on their own. Try not to say anything bad about him.

I waited 13 months (because we would decide together when the right time to file would be) and then he filed without telling me, leaving me without any prepared paperwork etc. We both have stated that we want to keep it amicable but he keeps doing the opposite of what he says. It's now to the point that I will only speak to him via email because clearly, I need a paper trail. My advice is to get as much as you can in writing now while he still may feel something for you. Now that my stbx is comfortable in a relationship (with my x best friend), all his guilt is gone and he's reneging on all his "trust me" declarations. Needless to say, my first phone call tomorrow am is to my attorney. If you haven't retained an attorney, start interviewing them asap. Most will offer a complimentary consultation. Since this is such an emotionally charged situation, perhaps you should write down the all the info so whomever you consult with will have an easier time understanding what's going on and how they can assist you. (And you won't have to worry about breaking down or babbling and waste your free hour) I wish you the best. I know this is tough. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Keep your head up. Hugs.

Sounds like you are married to a borderline personality disordered person. Look it up online and study it so you can learn his manipulations and tricks. The ones that are treating you like garbage after claiming to be your friend are what are called flying monkeys. He knows he is in the wrong but is doing what is called a smear campaign on you ahead of the breakup so no one will believe you. He probably tells them you are crazy so that when you normally react to what he's doing, you look crazy to them. They act one way in front of you and another way in front of other people. I'm currently married to one and there is no getting along with them. You can't reason with them, they talk in circles (called word salad), they do not take responsibility for anything they do, they accuse you of things they are guilty of (called projection). You cannot get along with people like this because they don't believe they are the problem and don't and won't change. They only get worse with age. I have been married for 30 years and my husband has only gotten worse and I have tried everything to make it work. We are separated now. The only thing that works with these people is no contact. I understand you have children, so there are forms of no contact for that instance where you only communicate thru a lawyer. Do yourself a favor and arm yourself with information online about this. It will open your eyes to so much. Hope everything works out for you.

Can you recall when and why your sadness with your marriage begun?

I was the bad guy with everyone also, even though she was a known addict, she was also a con artist which helped her cause. You seem like a decent person to me so I'm going to take a side, yours. It disappoints me to hear by the way that he is a deadbeat father, so very selfish of him to be.

Well yesterday his sister came over to talk to me. I'm no longer going to pay him to see his kids. I'm not going to fight with him to talk to the kids on the phone. His own sister came over to tell me how he treats the kids when he does have them. If he has them for a weekend he often has them for a couple hours before dropping them off at his sisters house and having her take care of them. She told me about him yelling at the kids over everything they do. She told about him swearing at and calling our 9 year old names. She isn't the only who told me this yesterday. His own uncle contacted me as well and told me everything. He told me he would be willing to go to court with me and talk to the judge about how his nephew is with the kids. I called a lawyer this morning. They are going to help with all of this. I see them tomorrow.

Thank you all for your support and advice.

Oh my, these posts are so familiar. I have no children, so my passive aggressive husband turned his 6 children and 17 grandchildren against me, apparently the advance smear campaign. I have loved his kids as my own all these years and now they are gone. He has demeaned and punished me every single day. Withholding affection, silence instead of communication, keeping secrets and now he admitted adultery. We will be married 15 years in October, but yesterday I called a divorce lawyer.

This is no a nice thing to say about myself but I am a manipulative little b*atch (only that I have a conscience and I'm not a psycho so I don't abuse that kind of power) ...point is that I can recognize a master at work and unfortunately looks like you have been sleeping with the enemy.
You guys have kids together which makes things complicated and unfortunately I think you're gonna have to fight back for the sake of your kids. I know it sounds horrible but dealing with a person like this you don't have to show mercy. Keep your head cool, be selfish for yourself and your kids sake. Unfortunately having your friends against you is not good at all. Have you considered counseling? Best of luck and stay strong

DJP15, I'm so sorry your going through this. Harder with kids. After 27 years, I got the new year's divorce news also. Happy New year huh? And good for you on all your current info.

Penpal@ my therapist called mine a gaslighter, just not to the extreme.

Danceintherain@ I know you gave that advice to DJP15, but it's good advice for me too. I've already started gathering info. I got a name and # of a lawyer, but haven't used it yet. Will think about calling" tomorrow am" :)

Again thank you so much for the support. I've decided if the stbx wants nothing to do with the kids I'm not forcing it. If he doesn't want to see them it's fine they have plenty of people in their lives who love them and want them around. I've realized no matter what I do I can't force him yo be a dad and I'm not fighting him on it anymore.