Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My ex husband left 4 1/2 years ago. We were separated, although not legally for 18 months, and then our divorce proceedings took another 14 months to complete. It was a very long and painful road, but i have finally come out on the other side.
The marriage was very abusive in every way and centered around his addictions, mental illness and infidelity. I really did love him with everything I had until I was completely drained and lost myself too.
I have one child...a very precocious little man who is almost 10 years old. He has never really had a relationship with his "dad". My ex has not been there for him at all before, during and after the divorce. I dont begrudge him for that, he has stated and has shown that he is not capable of being a father. I have made peace with this, but my son has not. And that ok.
Lately, my son has really been hammering me about the WHY we got divorced. I dont want to tell him the facts..its adult stuff that is between his dad and I, is what I told him. The conversation then lead to the topic of drinking and I came clean with him. I said it in a very gentle way, but I did tell him that alcoholism was part of the reason for the divorce.
Part of me in cringing. Did I do the wrong thing? I keep it simple,didnt go into details, but we discussed the dangers and consequences of drinking, how it affects others around you, how it affects our thinking, etc.
I will NEVER speak badly about my ex to my child. EVER. But I also wont lie him either.
Can someone help me out here? Im not sure how Im feeling right now.
Thanks!
The marriage was very abusive in every way and centered around his addictions, mental illness and infidelity. I really did love him with everything I had until I was completely drained and lost myself too.
I have one child...a very precocious little man who is almost 10 years old. He has never really had a relationship with his "dad". My ex has not been there for him at all before, during and after the divorce. I dont begrudge him for that, he has stated and has shown that he is not capable of being a father. I have made peace with this, but my son has not. And that ok.
Lately, my son has really been hammering me about the WHY we got divorced. I dont want to tell him the facts..its adult stuff that is between his dad and I, is what I told him. The conversation then lead to the topic of drinking and I came clean with him. I said it in a very gentle way, but I did tell him that alcoholism was part of the reason for the divorce.
Part of me in cringing. Did I do the wrong thing? I keep it simple,didnt go into details, but we discussed the dangers and consequences of drinking, how it affects others around you, how it affects our thinking, etc.
I will NEVER speak badly about my ex to my child. EVER. But I also wont lie him either.
Can someone help me out here? Im not sure how Im feeling right now.
Thanks!
You know your child, and he's asking. I don't believe in lying either, and I"m quite sure you didn't take the route my mother did. As long as he doesn't seem troubled or proccupied.
i think this is surfacing now, because he has had no contact with his dad in almost 4 months. This is typical and my son knows that. He only sees him twice a year and talks on the phone every few months or so. I hate watching my son suffer like this emotionally
You're his mother. If he can't trust you to tell him the truth, who can he trust? How would you feel if everyone knew that your ex was cheating but you? How do you think that your son will feel if everyone knows that his dad drinks but him?
Your son is 10 and hopefully not drinking nor exposed to friends who are. But the world is what it is, the time is coming soon when he will be in such situations. I think that knowing this first is a good thing. I also think that telling your son about this before he's a teen and developmentally pulling away is a good thing.
In short, in my book you told your son about it at exactly the right time.
Let your son be devestated. I'm sure that you were when you were going through it. Help your son heal in much the same way that friends helped you heal. Let him go through all of the stages of grief...denial, bargaining, the whole works. Nows the time to talk aloud about the pain that you felt, and how you've come to the resolution of acceptance. Not lecturing him, but more of taking him into your confidence about how you broke down one day, or found peace doing something or other, and basically have felt every emotion under the sun on the way to feeling better about it.
Just my 2 cents.....
xoxo
Having said that, 10 yr olds who demonstrate curiousity are showing they want to understand, and their minds are capable of more info than they were previously offered.
I understand you wanting to not speak ill of his father, thats the best road to take for his self-image and image of his dad.
But if you really consider addiction a disease, that removes the morality from it, and leaves enough room for compassion and understanding and also boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't.
It's a tough position to be in as a mom that's for sure, however, your decisions as a mother, for the short time I've known you have always come from a place of logic and empathy, care and protection. Your heart always seems to be in the right place, and that counts for more than anything else at times like these.
But you can't NOT tell them when they are asking. I feel that it doesn't protect them ever to not know the truth. As long as you're not calling him "that f'n bastard" while you're doing it. And I know you are not, I know there is not bitterness coming through those words...
Hugs....
I was married for 24 yrs to an alcoholic. My kids were 22, 18 and 16 when we split. They were very, very aware of the issues. But even now my 18 reflects back and realizes his dad wasn't "there" from about 8 to 10 yrs of age because he was having a beer with his buddies.
It is very, very important to educate your kids on alcoholism. I totally believe it is hereitary. My son (18) is starting to show the first signs of it even though he knows this is what caused his dad to be the way he is. Alcoholics have good in them and they have bad in them. My kids used to get so mad at me for "defending" their dad. But my son is starting to see the good in his dad and accept he has an addiction that is ruining his life.
I think your son deserves honesty. But I am not an expert on this. I am pretty messed up myself from being with him for 27 yrs (married 24). I never realized how much an alcoholic in the family really affects the entire family. This is what your son is facing. The effects his dad drinking had/has on him.
Have you looked into al anon or counseling on how to deal with this? I ask because I really wish I had of vs ignoring the issue until it caused my family to impode.
I don't hide the books and right now I am getting booked. They asked what this is about; I told them alanon is for people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. Younger wanyed to know who and I said "dad's drinking has had a terrible impact on my life."
I also don't bad mouth the dad. Reality is reality. Addictionm is a family disease. Hiding it, not talking about it equals emotional and spiritual death.
I think you are opening healthy communication channels with your son that I hope remain through his teenage years!
You are doing more than just fine!