Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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O.W.T. 09/29/2017

I think I need someone to shake some sense into me. I've been thinking about divorce for a couple years now. My husband is an alcoholic and won't admit it, not the kind of drunk that drinks every day but he's slowly getting that way. I don't really drink because I black out and I've watched my older sister struggle with alcohol and drug addiction for the past 20 years (thankfully she is clean now). It doesn't help he has PTSD and some major anger problems, of course it backfires on me when I try to talk to him about any one of those things.

He is barely home, says he's working or helping friends and then comes home wasted. I don't know how many times I've heard "well we got out at 3 but we were talking about stuff and I had a few beers." This is at 7:30-8 o'clock at night. This happens every Friday and he goes out Tuesdays, and whenever the opportunity presents itself. We have two kids under 4yrs old and sometimes I need stuff I didn't realize we are out of, doesn't matter, he just leaves me hanging constantly. When he is home he does absolutely nothing to help me, he sits on his phone or is glued to the tv and the couch. There are times the kids will be standing in front of him with a dirty diaper and I'll have to stop what I'm doing (usually cleaning) to change them. He also has some things available to him that could change our living situation, but won't complete the process for whatever reason. We have a place but when there 2 adults 2 toddlers and a dog living in a 14x75 ft trailer home that is falling apart around you, you would think you'd want to change something, nada.

I've stopped fighting with him because he finds a way to make things my fault and it gets us nowhere. He thinks my job is a joke (I work in drycleaning), he will fall asleep at 8:30on on the couch, wasted or not, if the kids are fighting sleep I'll have to stay up (sometimes well into the night) even though I get up at 4am to get ready (I drive 40mins out of my way to the babysitter because it's free) and he won't get up until I'm walking our the door sometimes after.

I'm just so exhausted with all of it. I thought when you got married you were supposed to be a team, not for me. And yet I keep trying to make it that way. Part of me thinks I should lower my expectations but another part of me knows my kids and I deserve better. I'll most definitely be on state assistance if I leave, not something I really want to do but at least I'll have access to things I don't now (health and dental insurance, a comfortable home, ect.). I'm so torn, after 10 years and everything you go through together how do let go?

O.W.T. 09/29/2017

This is the kind of crap I don't understand! I asked him why he has to stay and drink with who ever he was with yesterday instead of coming home and helping me. He started to get nasty and I just hung up on him. I've barely spoken to him since and now he just called me because he wants to get the vehicle that has been sitting at his work for the last six months fixed, for me. It's a vicious cycle and I fall for it every time what the F is wrong with me, I know he's just afraid I'm going to leave. It will be okay for a little but but goes right back. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING OUT?!

sjs777 09/29/2017

reach out an join an alanon group (757) 563-1600

antaresmom 09/29/2017

Hi,so sorry you at going thru this,I say ck in with the state,maybe they can offer an attorney,or what you can do separation wise....best of luck

sjs777 09/29/2017

there's a feeling of guilt because YOU are loving. its not easy because YOU respect your vows. But its HIS actions which are unacceptable and aren't for YOU to just deal with

Gutted 09/29/2017

I think you knew you deserved better all along, but due to self esteem or thinking it would get better you stayed. Now that you have to watch him treating your kids like he's always treated you, you know how awful that will make them feel, so you're finally thinking of getting out.

Someone has done a real head job on you for you to feel anything but furious at being duped by this ass hat. I honestly just don't even have words to explain why you are not asking for clever ways to get the heck out of there. You sound hardworking, loyal and kind. Any man would be happy to have you and your little ones. Get out, figure out how to live closer to your kid's child care. I know it's going to be painful for a while, but you honestly have no where to go but down if you stay and no where to go but up if you leave. He'll lay around that broken down trailer, talk crap about your job, and eventually tear you down so bad you don't have it in you to leave. The abuse will escalate as the drinking gets worse. You know all this deep down inside. Do the right thing for you and your kids and get the heck out while you can.

Mitsou 09/29/2017

I know it must be so hard to think of how to get out because your kids are so young, mine was 8 months old when I left my last (not the current, why oh why did I try this marriage thing again?) husband and it was scary and difficult but worth it in the end. Please don't feel guilty, it's him who should unless he has no conscience. I'm not so sure he wants this marriage either, couldn't that be why he's drinking so much, staying away from home, not interacting with you and his kids? Maybe he's just a coward waiting for you to make the move to leave.

Think of the future. I hope this will make you see a brighter one: I left an abusive marriage to an alcoholic when my baby was 8 months old, it was hard for a few years but I worked hard, got promotions, and eventually bought my own tiny home. You can do it! Like others said, you're hard working, you're kind, you have so much you can accomplish for yourself and your children if someone doesn't drag you down. I'm saying all this because you said you've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think you know what you want. Good luck to you and your little ones, enjoy them :)

Brookie 09/29/2017

Please please don't do like I did.....stayed in it for 23 years. I wanted my family to stay together but in the end it's just wasted years and the children are happier now than ever (he actually left 4 months ago.) I always hung in there because I don't believe in divorce, children need two parents and I felt financially insecure. He left me right after I quit my job and refuses to offer any financial support and you know what? We are absolutely fine! It's a PIA to establish a new life but do it! Don't settle and hope they change. Maybe if you do leave it will save his life. Or maybe it will save yours or at least your sanity.

bridgie101 09/30/2017

this stuff is very simple.

Identify what you need for your children. Write a list. Now. Imagine you are on the domestic benefit or whatever it is called. Identify what items off that list you will be able to get.

Now, imagine you stay in the trailer and just sideline hubby, live like he's not there. How many of those items on the list can you get.

Now make the most practical choice.

Love is neither here no there. Love don't pay the bills. Love don't feed the children. If you're earning half, he should be doing half the work. If you're doing all the work you should be able to quit the job.

Don't expect to like this guy. Don't waste energy being hurt by his behaviour. The situation is what it is, you can't wish it away.

You just have to tighten things up so you can parent your kids. And hubby may be collateral damage if he can't rise to the occasion. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. This is survival.

Bobby5000 09/30/2017

You can certainly leave. But until you do so, is there a way to try to discuss these issues productively. I get the impression he is somewhat depressed, angry, and conflict-averse and when he is home there are arguments.. Is there a way to try to discuss the problems productively. What is he angry about, why does he drink.

LillyPotter 09/30/2017

you cannot have a productive discussion with an angry drunk person. it is dangerous to try with a person who has proven to be abusive.

the bottom line -this comes with gentle hugs and loads of compassion - is: listen to yourself; you are telling yourself the truth. try to hear it.

find safe resources.

carefully get to safety

rebuild.

you CAN do this. i believe in you. i think what you are living with is much harder and more hurtful.

jojored 09/30/2017

I was in a similar marriage, minus the booze. There was nothing he did around the house, for me, or for the kids, if it didn't benefit him directly in some way. He was that guy who resented me going back to work when our youngest was two, yet insisted I work and bring in money. The resentment came because he had to pick up some slack when I was working. He did the bare minimum, and oftentimes when I got home at 10 or 11 the kids were still up. He didn't see it as me working, making money for our family, instead he just saw me being "out". This kind of insane thinking is a drain on you. Your husband cares primarily about himself, and this kind of selfishness, coupled with what might be passive aggressive behavior, leads to a dead end marriage. I was stuck in one for a very long time. Don't lower your expectations of your life, raise them. It's funny how deadbeats usually end up with smart practical women. Save yourself, start over. You can.

O.W.T. 10/01/2017

Thank you all, your encouragement is really helping me, I'm feeling pretty good today. Stronger. It's good to get it out, I don't get the chance to do it enough.
My boss (he's like my big brother) gave me a number to an attorney yesterday. I plan on calling her this week, after I go to file for state assistance, see what can be done for us during the whole process. Just want to get my ducks in a row.
This man is wondering what's going on, I've usually given up on being upset by now. I'm trying to act normal, it's not going well. He keeps asking "are you okay?", I will be in due time. I just want him to leave me alone. Stop trying, it's just a way to keep me here. Should I let it go? I don't want to... Is that okay? I'm not sure but I don't care today, I'm just tired.

11Christmases 10/02/2017

I can totally understand why you want out. I was married to a blame-shifting alcoholic myself. There is no such thing as having a rational conversation. You have asked him for what you need, over and over, and all you get is blame. Don't feel guilty for wanting out.

monnieloves 10/02/2017

You are going through a lot. I applaud your strength for trying to keep your family unit together. I know first hand what it's like to mask pain with alcohol and drugs. They provide the perfect storm for an unproductive life. Thank GOD I've been free for years. I also know that those who suffer from ptsd have witnessed traumatic events that most will never see in their lifetime. Have you considered suggesting to your husband counseling for those who suffer from ptsd, or free counseling that most local church's provide. I'm praying for you.

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