Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have not really posted on here as I don't really feel I could be very supportive with divorce/breakup advice but I do read from time to time and can identify with some of the posts. Holidays are really rough for me and well February is the hardest as my wedding anniversary would be Feb 11. Anyway, my ex husband is really struggling this year with the economy and no job and I would like to make a difference but I don't want to injure his pride or make our strained relationship worse. I filed for divorce some years ago, due to the marriage breaking apart so badly and honestly at that time seeing no other way out. Now in looking back I feel, I chose the wrong thing and bailed, when I maybe could have saved our marriage by getting him into counseling or trying to get him to see a dr for his depression, or maybe being more patient with his not working for a long time, or understanding him more..I don't know. All I do know is he was the only man that was honest with me, that did not cheat on me, abuse me and even though he was not a real loving man, he was home every night and I didn't have to worry about other women and lies, or walking on eggshells. Maybe me being a sole provider wasn't that bad?
Anyway, sorry for the length but here is my predicament:
I have never lost contact with my ex husbands parents and even though we don't see each other very often, we keep in touch over the holidays and I have even been by to see them when they have had turmoil in their lives. Of course out of respect to him, I go by when he is not there and if he should happen to show up, I offer to leave, so that he can visit with them.We are very close and expresss our love to each other. As of this post, the last time I was there, we were civil enough to enjoy a dinner together and visit for a while after at his parents. It was not a reconcillation by any means, but it has been worse. If you have read any of my journals, I divorced my ex out of more desperation than actual falling out of love with him and went straight into another serious relationship in which I was with that man for 7 years, we ended up engaged but it broke up. Since then, it has been nothing but abusive relationships. My ex husband never started another serious relationship or remarried.
Anyway, my father's new wife came across a box of Christmas things the other day in which his stocking I had made for him back when we were just dating was in. I also made stockings for all of his family. They still hang them.
My question is this:. I would like him to have it back along with a stocking I had made for our dog we had when we were married, deceased now, that I redid the name for the dog he has now that he loves so much. I plan to fill the dog's stocking with dog treats and his with some candy I know he will like and a card (nothing declaring my love, just a nice message of support and friendship should he ever need anything) as I hear from his mother he has been having health issues and depression.
I do this out of genuine concern and honest caring for him. I do this not knowing what he might do, or even if he will throw these things back in my face or refuse them all together.
She has said he does talk of me and the bitterness does not seem to be there, he is down on himself a lot though.
I really would like to forgive myself, for him to forgive me, for us both to accept accountability and at least be able to not have a grudge.
To be honest, I have always wanted more communication and affections and felt that I always loved him more, but I could not get that back. That built into resentment that turned into an affair and he has yet to forgive me.:(
I explain away a lot of the bad things that have happened to me as KARMA and that I deserve them for not saving my marriage, as one of my abusers told me Karma times Ten, I grow so tired of being cheated on, abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I realize I may deserve to be cheated on, but I never had a bad word to say to my husband and never withheld love or affection. I supported him financially most of the time we were together. And I of course was never abusive physically or any other way..I just got tired of living with a ghost.
Anyway, I got off subject, my question is...Is it a bad idea to give him this sentimental gift, if I just leave it at his parents so that he doesn't have to feel he has to visit with me?
Also would it be wrong to leave a monetary gift to help out? He is very proud and I realize he would probably not just take money so I planned on buying back my wedding ring, engagement ring and promise ring if he would let me do that or if his mom still has them from when I gave them back some years ago? If he has not had to pawn them. I don't see me ever loving anyone in the way I did him so if they are still there I would like to have them.
Ideas? Advice?
Anyway, sorry for the length but here is my predicament:
I have never lost contact with my ex husbands parents and even though we don't see each other very often, we keep in touch over the holidays and I have even been by to see them when they have had turmoil in their lives. Of course out of respect to him, I go by when he is not there and if he should happen to show up, I offer to leave, so that he can visit with them.We are very close and expresss our love to each other. As of this post, the last time I was there, we were civil enough to enjoy a dinner together and visit for a while after at his parents. It was not a reconcillation by any means, but it has been worse. If you have read any of my journals, I divorced my ex out of more desperation than actual falling out of love with him and went straight into another serious relationship in which I was with that man for 7 years, we ended up engaged but it broke up. Since then, it has been nothing but abusive relationships. My ex husband never started another serious relationship or remarried.
Anyway, my father's new wife came across a box of Christmas things the other day in which his stocking I had made for him back when we were just dating was in. I also made stockings for all of his family. They still hang them.
My question is this:. I would like him to have it back along with a stocking I had made for our dog we had when we were married, deceased now, that I redid the name for the dog he has now that he loves so much. I plan to fill the dog's stocking with dog treats and his with some candy I know he will like and a card (nothing declaring my love, just a nice message of support and friendship should he ever need anything) as I hear from his mother he has been having health issues and depression.
I do this out of genuine concern and honest caring for him. I do this not knowing what he might do, or even if he will throw these things back in my face or refuse them all together.
She has said he does talk of me and the bitterness does not seem to be there, he is down on himself a lot though.
I really would like to forgive myself, for him to forgive me, for us both to accept accountability and at least be able to not have a grudge.
To be honest, I have always wanted more communication and affections and felt that I always loved him more, but I could not get that back. That built into resentment that turned into an affair and he has yet to forgive me.:(
I explain away a lot of the bad things that have happened to me as KARMA and that I deserve them for not saving my marriage, as one of my abusers told me Karma times Ten, I grow so tired of being cheated on, abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I realize I may deserve to be cheated on, but I never had a bad word to say to my husband and never withheld love or affection. I supported him financially most of the time we were together. And I of course was never abusive physically or any other way..I just got tired of living with a ghost.
Anyway, I got off subject, my question is...Is it a bad idea to give him this sentimental gift, if I just leave it at his parents so that he doesn't have to feel he has to visit with me?
Also would it be wrong to leave a monetary gift to help out? He is very proud and I realize he would probably not just take money so I planned on buying back my wedding ring, engagement ring and promise ring if he would let me do that or if his mom still has them from when I gave them back some years ago? If he has not had to pawn them. I don't see me ever loving anyone in the way I did him so if they are still there I would like to have them.
Ideas? Advice?
He sounds like a decent guy to me. And by being honest, telling him how you feel and asking for what you need and in turn listening to him as well...you might be surprised. I think the sentimental gift is a nice idea, and maybe you can give it to him at the same time you guys talk. I think the buying back of rings is a noble idea, but if he is as prideful as you say, it won't fly and I would skip that. And really? If you want them still? Maybe he wants you to have them still. Talk to the man. Even if its strained right now, which makes sense to me given everything...it doesn't mean it can't change. And it doesn't mean he can't learn to communicate for effectively and so on either. Just talk to him and see where it goes.