Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Not dealing with this well.

roughgoofit
roughgoofit

Hi, just joined this group yesterday, helpful to even know I'm not alone in this struggle.  My wife of 20 years wants separation/divorce and I definitely do not!  It's been a huge struggle for a long time now; tried counseling- went for four sessions- the counselor turned his focus to her and she refused to go back.  Tried a second counselor, she chose- and again after four sessions- it broke down- my wife walked out of three sessions- and again, now refuses to go back.   Tried books- she said that's "not helping"...  Communication has broken down badly- as you probably already know- one sided conversations are no conversations at all!  I'm feeling more anxiety, sadness, difficulty, loss, than I ever have in my life  before.  I'm questioning myself more than I ever have before;  I don't know what to do, what not to do, or what's coming next...  She has moved out of our room-to the guest room- saying she "needs space".  I'm respecting that but hurting everyday with this situation!  It doesn't seem there is a solution that involves both- or thoughts about our two daughters- just what she wants...  which is so different than before.  I don't have indication, or signs, of cheating... we had a very solid marriage... I am just so devastated- and am trying to pick myself up-and deal with this sadness, this anxiety, this unknown...  Thanks for reading, would love to talk to others about experiences- things that help, ways to give and get support.  I believe strength can come in numbers, talking, and knowledge.  Thanks everyone.  

Faith20
Faith20
Have you came out and asked your wife point blank does she want to work on the marriage or does she want a divorce. I mean it takes two people to be all in the marriage to work things out and make things better. It seems like she is building a bigger wedge between the two of you especially if there isn't very much communication.
roughgoofit
roughgoofit
Hi faith- thanks for your response! Yes- months and months ago, she did tell me she doesn’t want it to end... but every single action since then has been showing the opposite! No kindness- no support- even has said- “go fix your own problems “- I want nothing to do with it... A REALLY unhealthy work-life balance ensued- Everything and everyone at work became much more important than anything here- feelings have been completely ignored. Actions speak louder than words sometimes. I have talked point blank with her- and said, many times, I am in this 1,000 percent. To that she replied, “well it sounds like your just better than me then...”. Communication has broken down so much that, I am left only with terrible confusion! I asked her again last weekend- point blank- what she wanted- and she said her decision “today” is separation. The conversation was heated- she escalated really quickly and doesn’t calm early. Then she ended that conversation- left in her car- and came back hours later- went in her room for the night- and acted since like it’s “all good” (around the kids). Part of me wants to say if that’s her decision then I need to be strong and ask her to go then- not drag me through this hell... and also so much of me says I don’t want that at all- why would u do anything to provoke or encourage something I don’t want? I’m so lost... I’m so confused- and it has me so low...
thanks again for responding and your care!
Coffemaker
Coffemaker
You have been to several sessions of counseling. The good thing I see there is that she is cooperating, but the moment the spotlight is on her, she’s done. It seems like she wants to fix it without fixing her. Try getting the book, “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud. Read it first, then decide if she will try to read it. It is a very helpful book and you will see once you read it.
xoxo2020
xoxo2020
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t even fathom what you might be feeling. I’m glad you are respecting her space though instead of suffocating, it shows your character. You care about her and love her. Whatever the outcome is I wish you the best.
roughgoofit
roughgoofit
Coffeemaker- thanks for the message and the book suggestion; I will get it ordered and read it! I’m definitely in need of any support I can get right now.

Xoxo2020- thanks for your message as well; nice to hear someone out there can still see my character.. I feel like it’s gone sometimes- I’ve been beaten down empty- I think- and sometimes I believe the mean things said to me... so you might not think so- but your kind words lift me up- thank you. I used to pride myself on the type of giving/caring and genuine person I am... maybe gave too much? let her walk on me... I thought it was the right thing to do- give and give- but I certainly lost myself in that as well-that’s what hurts too. I’m very sad that one- I allowed that for myself, and two- the person I thought I could turn too- and count on... well, could really care less- she’s very comfortable not treating me (and others) well at all- as long as “she wins”.

Thanks guys for your comments- I’m finding myself checking in here more than I thought- it’s nice to see messages, nice to have a place to read that someone still cares about feelings. Thanks!
boldeagle27
boldeagle27
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. From what you describe it sounds like she may be the problem. It sounds like you took all the steps you could that's all you can do unfortunately. You may have to accept that it is not going to work out. Therapy, support groups, staying active/busy and reaching to friends and family can all help. I am going through a separation also, feel free to msg for support. Be strong.
roughgoofit
roughgoofit
Hi boldeagle27,- thanks. I appreciate the comments. It definitely makes sense- it’s just so difficult to accept... it is so hard to see what the horrid effects might be... my daughters, my heart, love, finances, literally everything- and yet- it still doesn’t need to happen! But- I guess that’s my opinion- and it seems that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m pretty low today- sorry.
Hey- how do I msg you? I’m new enough- I’m not sure how to do that? It might be helpful- thanks for the offer. Need that friendship, someone that understands. Thanks again.
roughgoofit
roughgoofit
Hi again- wow, weekends have become SO hard. I’m not handling these emotions I’m feeling so well... anxious about what she’s going to do, what I’m losing (that’s killing me this morning), feeling low. Can I make it through this? I actually don’t want to even go through this- let alone make it through well... I’m struggling for sure right this moment. I wish I were stronger, could accept this better... but, I don’t want this, why should I accept it? Oh man- no sleep, rainy day, stuck in the house, this is a tough day! Any advice- how have you gotten through a lot of feelings at once?
Coffemaker
Coffemaker
It seems like you really need help right now, badly. I am not a professional counselor so what I am suggesting might seem lame. You do not need to be strong, just less vulnerable. If she is a burden to you right now and you are overthinking the possibilities, just drop her as if she doesn’t exist. Do not think about her, do not think what she will do. Find something to focus on that will allow your body to relax and clear your mind. If you do not live in a congested area, consider taking a walk, breathe fresh air, just walk around which sometimes pumps blood and good hormones into the brain.
ElizaSc
ElizaSc
It sounds like we are married to the same person!!! I don't have any words of wisdom but just want to let you know someone else out there is going through something similar. It is especially rough during these unprecedented times.
roughgoofit
roughgoofit
Thanks ElizaSc- sorry you are going through this too. So difficult. Nice to know I’m not alone- but definitely wouldn’t wish this on anyone else! What are you doing to get through it well? Anything you have found that seems to really be working? I am afraid I’m the only one willing to work on this- and that means it isn’t going to work... If that’s actually the case- than I need to work on healing and feeling good myself. I would love to know what’s working for other people? Thanks again for your message- look forward to talking again soon- take care.
ElizaSc
ElizaSc
I'm in a similar situation. Please know you are not alone.
ElizaSc
ElizaSc
I started talking to a therapist to focus on my emotions and not fixing the marriage. He won't go to therapy. He stone walls me on everything including going forward with a divorce. He is the type to make me do all the work.

A part of me wants it to work because I fear the shame, loneliness and emotional impact on friends and family.

The covid situation is making it worse. I know I have to get the ball rolling very soon. It is too emotionally abusive. Like you, I need guidance and strength.
helpmymarriage
helpmymarriage
I am going through the same thing. I’ve been married 18+ years and have a 14 year old child. Been doing it for over 3 1/2 years. Are you a good husband? Look at yourself first. I have heard and read so many times, take care of yourself. I didn’t believe it. I just kept trying to do everything for her. That doesn’t work. Believe me! I finally put my foot down. Stop doing everything for her. Do things for myself and things I want to do. You still need to be respectful to her and to kids if you have them. Stop going out of your way to please and kiss her a**. Improve yourself. Look at all your good qualities. Someone else will appreciate all your good qualities. I did counseling. She wanted to stop. I believe she couldn’t stand hearing what she is doing wrong in the relationship I read many books, bought 3 relationship programs. She wanted no part of any of them. Let go a little, take a step back. Work on yourself. I now believe this! Not guaranteed, not immediate,but give it time. Like I said earlier, I’ve been going through this for over 3 1/2 years. It has finally worked for me. It’s not perfect, but we are back together, wedding rings back on, and sleeping in the same room. Wish I had known this 3 years ago. Hope this helps. Stay strong.
JeffK
JeffK
Wish I had some good advice for you, because I need help also. My wife left after 38 years of marriage (41 counting dating). Blames me for being too negative and emotional, but she rarely showed any feelings towards me, which made me emotional. I;m starting counseling (she wont go because she does not know how she feels). We went to marriage counseling twice before. Fist with Catholic Social Services. She stopped because she said they wanted us to stay together. So we went to a private counselor. However, she stopped when he focused on her feelings. I am trying everything I can think of to try to keep us together, but she has moved in with her daughter and I only see her a couple of times a week for a few hours. I feel her slipping away by the minute.