Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

2 Online

MrCellophane 05/15/2015

My wife and I have been separated for 2 years. It seems doubtful that we will reconcile. And yet, I don't feel a "need" to get divorced. I'm not dating anybody and, because my marriage crashed and burned SO spectacularly, I'm not eager to start. I don't have the bandwidth, or even the mental strength, to LOOK for someone new, much less to maintain an actual relationship. Plus we are Catholic, so I can't remarry anyway - absent an annulment, which I don't want. We have two children, and I'm uncomfortable with branding them as being the children of a divorce. My wife would almost certainly remarry, and I HATE the idea of my kids having a stepfather. My wife cheated on me, so legally (in my state) I won't have any obligation to pay alimony. Still, I expect the court would order me to pay child support and, although I am perfectly happy to support them and pay for pretty much everything anyway, I am allergic to the notion of any court ORDERING me to do ANYTHING. My wife and I get along well enough, and we still have a joint bank account (though I'm the only one who puts money into the account). She uses a debit card to pay for most of our children's expenses, and is good about not using it for any of her own expenses.

Is this bizarre? Does anybody else feel this way? Any thoughts or observations are welcome.

lookingforclosure 05/15/2015

I don't think anybody feels a "need" to get divorced. Did you ever hear that story about the guy who was out cutting trees the woods, and a tree fell on his leg trapping him? Eventually, he had to amputate his own leg (with a pocketknife) in order to save his life. I'm pretty sure he wasn't really feeling the need to do that. I don't think anybody wants to divorce. At some point, you are going to want to move on. I got to a point where I had to decide...(play to win, don't play 'not to lose') do you want to have a marriage, or do you just not want to be divorced? Being separated wasn't helping our marriage, it certainly wasn't happy. It's a tough spot, man...My lawyer told me he's had cases where couples were separated for decades before they finally made it official. I suppose if that works for you, there ain't a problem with it, but for me, I guess, I just didn't feel like I could move on with whatever my life was going to be while still being "married" to her.

MrCellophane 05/15/2015

I think I may be one of the cases your lawyer told you about. I am ambivalent about the "make it official" part. I don't want her to move back into my house, but I don't really want to divorce her, either. Sometimes people live together for years - and consider marriage a formality. So why can't divorce be a formality, too?

rgrimmy13 05/15/2015

In my eye, that situation would leave you open to quite a bit of potential liability. What if things become contentious in the future? Better to knock it out now than leave all that stuff out there to bite you in the butt. My ex started the process pretty friendly and then it just flat out got ugly. Im glad I have everything documented by a court, rather than up to us to try and negotiate. Plus, in the event you do decide to marry again (it could happen), best to start the annulment process sooner, rather than later. My annulment was pretty easy and cheap, but some can be costly and take time to complete.

MrCellophane 05/15/2015

I forgot to mention that we do have the separation agreement in place. But she gave me absolutely everything and she was in a bad spot mentally, so... I suppose she might be able to open that all back up again. I hadn't really thought of that rgrimmy. But I am 99.99% certain that I won't want an annulment.

ChiTownBear 05/15/2015

I would agree a clean break can be a good idea for a lot of reasons, especially if things were to turn south. I would worry that now with all this time gone by and you coming to her with the idea, it may cause some waves. I really don't know though. Just something to take in to consideration.

The Judge doesn't have to tell you what to do if you two agree to what you split and how things are finalized. I am not that familiar with processes per state, but I would venture to say that you wouldn't even have to go but before an arbitrator if things can be handled amicably. Then no one tells you what to do or what you get, you and she come to those terms.

MrCellophane 05/15/2015

In my state, parties cannot simply "agree" on child support. The Court is bound to strict guidelines. Plug numbers into a formula, and that's that.

Join the Conversation