It’s been quite some time since I've posted about my situation.  In October my wife told me she wanted out of our relationship.  At the time she was 3 months post-partum and 1 month post thyroid cancer diagnosis.  I add that because I do think its pertinent information.  I knew that we had issues in our marriage that did need to attend to.  Since then I have really made some changes in myself that I’m not sure I would have ever been able to make if she hadn’t gone the nuclear option and demanded out.  In a very real way, I’m grateful for the way she just ended it all without warning, because it forced me to really see my shortcomings and vow to get better. I say ended it all, but we actually have lived in the same house, shared the same bed, and continued to share the child raising responsibilities.  We did not touch each other in any physical ways and other than conversations at home we have been most assuredly separated.  This weekend marks the end of that, she’s out of the house, I will be in a few weeks, and I need to write here in order to free myself up to get packing and ready to face the next part of my life.

My changes have been a great thing for me and my daughters (2 year old and 7 month old).  I’m now a happier person.  I’m now much more able to handle frustration and not turn it into anger or brooding.  I feel like a new man in a lot of ways and I did it for myself and for my wife.  I love the woman with all of my heart even with her saying that right now she doesn’t feel the same way.  It’s ok though, I can’t demand that she love me, but I can show her how I truly feel by being the best me that I can and by treating her the way I want to treat her regardless.  She tells me time and time again that she sees and appreciates the changes in me, but still has a lot of anger towards me over the way I handled my frustrations in the past.  She now treats me like I used to treat her.  Good for a while and then her frustrations boil over and she snaps and yells at me.  Thankfully, I now just ask her politely to calm down and/or walk away.  I haven’t raised my voice and there have been many times where I would have been justified in doing so, but that’s how the old me would have reacted.  I sometimes think she’s trying to set me up to yell or that she even actually is more annoyed with me that I won’t.  I think me treating her in this unconditionally loving way in some ways makes things harder for her, but I’m not doing it to win her back now (maybe down the road, fingers crossed), I’m doing it because I have a choice in how I handle this situation.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine though.  I hurt in a place so deep inside of me that somedays it scares the shit out of me.  I’ve tried to imagine how bad things would have to be for me to take the actions she is, and specifically taking those actions without any effort to try and fix things.  I can’t find much that would get me to where she is.  I know that there’s no way she can see how committed I am to being the best man and husband I can be without it being shown over an extended period of time, but I know I how I feel and it makes it hard to see her resist me and to throw our 6 years of life and family away.  The biggest change I’ve made is realizing my view of the world and reality isn’t going to be hers or anyone else’s, so I am doing my best to be graceful and allow her to take the steps she needs, even if those steps lead to me being a divorced dad of 2 young girls.  It’s all I know how to do.  I’ve tried to reconcile and I’ve tried to offer alternatives, but she needs space and that is a mantra she keeps repeating.  She needs the space.  I’m giving it.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t pray every single day that I keep finding the strength to give her what she needs so that one day her heart reopens to me and we can share a happy life.  Am I naïve?  I don’t care, I guess.  And no one here can really tell me if I have a chance at winning her back, because every person and situation is different.  I just know that when I look back at this situation I’m not going to allow there to be room for regrets in how I handled it.  I’m taking the highest path that I’m capable of independent of what that might mean for my chances with my wife.  The skills I learn now will help me in any future relationship and as a father.

I cry every single day.  I can be in the store shopping and feel tears well up.  I’ve never been so open to my emotions as I am right now.  Sometimes this pain scares me, makes me think I’ll never recover, but I always do.  I guess its pretty clear that a I’m a fairly self-aware man.  Somedays I wonder if that’s a good quality or bad.  It feels like it’d be easier to just be mad or spiteful towards her and to go find someone else who appreciates me.  I just can’t.  Those qualities are the ones I see countless other men using to just prolong their pain or make their situation worse, and they are the same qualities that go me here in the first place.

I know that divorce is the hardest thing many people will face in their entire life.  This knowledge helps only in allowing me to be patient with the process.  This process is a motherfucker.  It hurts, it lightens up for a moment, and then the hurt comes back just as intense.  You think “I’ve got this” and then you think “how will I survive”.  It is not easy.  A few weeks ago I read Victor Frankl’s A Man’s Search for Meaning and his famous quote “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” is one of the most painfully beautiful things I have ever read.  In the context of my marriage/separation/divorce it seems that is all I have left…change myself.  I think I’m a good man, I know I have flaws as we all do, but I can’t go through this whole process and have it all be for nothing.  I will continue to grow, to realize life is a gift that we must appreciate, and I hope when I look back at this time in my life I see that it was a catalyst to me reaching my full potential.

I really appreciate daily strength and many of the people who have replied to my posts with support, advice, or brutal honesty.  This place has helped me in ways that I don’t think I fully appreciate yet.  I’ll do my best to return the favor to as many people as I can.  Thanks and good luck!