Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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butterfly17 06/12/2018

This is my first time posting here. But I am on the brink of divorce with my husband. I cheated on the best man God ever created, and I feel so terrible. I had everything right in front of me...but I was selfish, and insecure and it has led me here. I have tried to get him to stay, but the damage is too far gone. I have tried to show him how much I love and care about him, but it didnt help that I didnt come clean fully until recently, part of me didnt want to hurt him more, but all I accomplished as hurting him even more. I know I am a terrible person for doing this to another. I am seeking therapy for this and have tried counseling with him but it has not worked. We are going to sell our home this summer and he will serve me with papers shortly after. I hate myself for this. I do not see life without him. But he is ready to move on. I keep praying to God for a miracle and have tried to surrender my marriage restoration to Him. I know He is working in me to make me a better person, but I am so scared that I am destined for a life of punishment. The people that have these things done to them always are blessed and favored....but will I have to endure this for the rest of my life? This is the biggest failure of my life. I used to pray that God would turn his heart towards me again, but...he is ready to leave and get as far away from me as possible. I am on a downward spiral of emotions. I am just venting I guess. Any thoughts on how to push through? Please save the comment about me being awful :( I really already know and my husband reminds me at times of the horrible crimes I have commited. I really really love him and dont want him to leave me.

MrCellophane 06/12/2018

Ironically, it sounds like your husband isn't as committed to the marriage as you are. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad." Just because you broke your marriage vows does not absolve him from living up to his. Marriage is unconditional. Did he mean what HE said when you got married, or not? I guess it's "Not."

I think it's important for you to remember that. Yes, you fucked up. BAD. As bad as it could ever get. You know that. But if your husband cannot get over his bruised ego, and work on putting your marriage back together, then I think HE is committing the greater sin.

I don't know your story, but it seems to me that you are probably better off without him.

Good luck to you.

butterfly17 06/12/2018

He said he would work it out with me, but I didn't go about it the right way. I lied initially and more and more details came out, because I was trying to not hurt him more. Only to realize that my way of "salvaging" the marriage was only hurting him more in the end. It was only until about 2 months ago that I put myself in high gear to show him how much I love him. I pulled all the stops out. Grand gestures, getting on my knees and begging him for mercy. The damage is too deep. Nothing will work. I am worried that I also will be punished for this even more in my life. The person that has these things done to them are automatically favored by the Lord. But the ones that do these terrible things, must pay. I dont know left or right from now. Thanks for your reply.

Irish925 06/12/2018

butterfly17 - What you wrote...was beautiful. I could only wish my wife would do the same, however I guess God has other plans for me. You will be...no, you are forgiven in the eyes of the Lord. You have a true heart of repentance and you're seeking to make amends for your betrayal. That...is...SO STRONG...there is probably a better word for that, than strong...but it took tremendous courage and strenght of heart...and character...to basically confess...openly....kudos and prayers going out to you now...you made a mistake...you are human...you have repented (openly)...you are truly remorseful...you are a perfect example of what a repentance person says and does...and you are trying your best to make amends...no...no I do not think you will be punished for the rest of your life...you will have heartache...and you will have pain...keep on praying to the Lord for forgiveness...in your heart he will see the truth...

Your hubby, well...he's pissed and...he's justified in being in that mode...for right now...hopefully, this was the only time...correct? Does he have a religious background? Does he practice his faith? Key questions, hopefully he does practice...if that is true, maybe have one of his church elders speak to him...maybe that would help...but he needs some space...by the sounds of it, you dont have much time but you can give him some space...be around, just not in his face ...hopefully, he will open up on his own...

Again, you kudos for you for coming clean...continue to pray...if you havent pick up the bible and start w/ proverbs or psalms...just my two cents...Good luck and God bless...

butterfly17 06/12/2018

@Irish925 Oh my goodness thank you so much for you reply. He is a man of faith but hes having issues. He doesnt like the idea that someone can do what I did and you just take them back, and thats what he knows the pastor at the church I have started to go to will tell him. He will not have it. I got on my knees and begged him for mercy but he would not give it. He has not been in the mood to go to church and I cannot force that. I really feel like this is so over. I have fought so hard to have him keep me. But he will not allow it. I have not been the best wife or girlfriend to him and I feel like this is my punishment. I am losing the love of my life. I pray to God that he will work in him and work in me and we will meet again. Thank you so much for your words. I am so used to people telling me I am so evil. Thank you once again. I will begin to read Psalms and Proverbs. I have been told by others to begin doing so. Please keep me in your prayers. I hope the Lord hears me.

Irish925 06/13/2018

@Butterfly17 No need to thank me, thank God. Its weird hearing "I have not been the best wife or girlfriend to him"...let me just say the reason its weird is b/c that exactly what was in my head about my wife...I didnt know it worked both ways...seriously...everyone has to take accountability for their actions, for me I was married to my wife for 20yrs and took some things for granted and realized I needed to improve some things about myself to be a better mate/person in general...like I said, its pretty weird that now that I recognize my faults, I'm not in a position to show it...like I said, pretty weird...sending prayers your way...and SHE cheated on me and walked away on our family...you don't realize whats important to you, until its gone...and you DO recognize it...kudos to you...

Keep praying, give him space and let YOUR ACTIONS show...not your words...be invisible, yet seen...example, hmm....how about getting an old picture of the 2 of you...frame it...and decorate rate w/ flowers or something around it that would catch his eye...BUT DO NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT...DONT SHOW IT TO HIM...or even discuss...its there...make sense...if he brings it up, just look at him and say "I'm sorry..." and walk away...he may call you back to talk...maybe not...but the thought...is in his head...let the Lord take over from there...invisible, yet seen...

Keep the faith...

Keep the faith, again I admire your ability to recognize your faults, repent and ask for forgiveness...

butterfly17 06/13/2018

The thing is with him, there was nothing too improve?! I let my thoughts spiral out of control and didnt see what I had and now I am paying for it. this man is near perfect. Now he will be near perfect for someone else and I am the one who will be losing out. I dont know what todo. I am going crazy. What will become of me? He will be favored, the wrong doers, punished. Everyday is a constant struggle. He has thrown out all of our pictures. I have done gestures like that and while he appreciates it at the time, but they dont do much. I think I have reached the end of the line. Maybe I am not worthy of having him.

Irish925 06/13/2018

I feel for you Butterfly17, do you have any children w/ him? How long were you married?

Those gestures, do MORE than you can imagine. You cannot expect instant...instant forgiveness, its going to take time. No man is perfect, don't get me wrong, he sounds like a great guy however we all have our faults.

The limbo stage, thats the toughest point, the one that tries you the most IMHO..."reached the end of the line..."

If you are not done fighting for your marriage, than keep on fighting. Be consistent in all you do...your actions speak louder than words right now...he will not believe a word you say, but your actions will be speaking for you loud and clear. Be visible, but not seen. Tell him that I said all that I have to say, I understand you need your space, my actions and consistency will speak for me. I hope and pray you will allow yourself to see my actions...

If you feel that its gone too far, than convey to him that...like you said before...I dont want to hurt you anymore than I have already done. Let me know what YOU decide what will be done with our marriage and than give it all to God...

Keep praying...Oh, us who have been wronged, dont see the other side...for example, I am still married and have filed for divorce now in the waiting period...but my wife or STBXW...know what she's doing...taking trips w/ her OM...must be nice to go on a vacation while the "wronged" get to wallow in our misery...so, as far as punishment is concerned, there's enough to go around I guess...

Remember - GOD LOVES YOU!!!

MrCellophane 06/13/2018

Butterfly17: Or maybe the Lord has bigger better plans for you? It troubles me that you think God will punish you for cheating on your husband and, at the same time, God will reward your husband. I don't know your style of faith, but I am pretty confident that isn't how Christianity works.

And I think you need to dial down the wallowing in self-pity, and the worshiping of your husband. It's not attractive. You are making it so that his choice is limited to whether or not to take mercy and pity you. Your husband has to want to be with you for who you genuinely are. Otherwise, what's the point? Do you WANT to live in the dog house the rest of your life?

TotalRegret 06/13/2018

Hi Butterfly17. It's really difficult to believe that others will forgive you if you don't forgive yourself, so maybe show some grace inwardly? There's nothing you can do that will make God love you more, or love you less, so you don't need to try and win His favor to be blessed.

You have no control over the decisions that your husband will make, but even if he chooses to stay in the marriage (and I hope he does), the foundation of trust and honesty will need to be rebuilt, but in order to do that, not only does he need to forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself. TR

MrCellophane 06/14/2018

FYI, You may also find more support and information from the support group "Cheaters Anonymous." That group supports the people who cheat in a relationship, while this group is devoted to the betrayed spouse.

butterfly17 06/14/2018

Thank you all for your supportive response. While this is devoted to the betrayed spouse you have all shown wonderful support . I truly appreciate everyones words. Its hard for me to forgive myself, as I really have hurt the one I love the most, and his words cut me like a knife each time when he talks about anything related to me. Everday seems to get worse that we are in the house together. I will look into the other group as well. Thank you!

awellwateredwoman 06/18/2018

I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I understand the pain of feeling like I was the only one who wanted to save my marriage. My situation was not the same as yours, however, when my husband had an affair, I wanted to save the marriage and he didn’t feel he was deserving of forgiveness. It took a lot of time on my knees, crying out to the Lord and relying on His strength. I see that you and your husband have tried counseling, have you thought about speaking with a Pastor or calling a Christian Counseling Hotline? I have one I’ve used several times and they have always helped me to see a little clearer through the storm. I believe in the power of prayer so please know that I will be praying for you and your husband.

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