I have been trying to do this No Contact thing with my Ex and it hasn't exactly been working out.  I wrote out our story in a previous post, quick summary:  We were together for almost 4.5 years.  First man I really, truly loved.  Things were great, for awhile but he has a lot of issues with depression and anxiety.  There were also some other issues in our relationship, but his issues really out weighed many other things.  The last six months of our realtionship wasn't good as he was going through some serious stuff.  We tried staying together, but it didn't work.  He needed time and space and we agreed to take a break.  We were being cowardly... it wasn't a break, it was a break up.  It was just eaiser to leave the door open because we both still love each other and miss each other and are scared of being alone and what the future holds.  I still love this man with all my heart and it kills me to think that two people that love each other still and strongly miss each other, how we can't make it work... but we can't be together.  Maybe just for now, or maybe forever.  

He wanted to stay friends.  So did I, but he did a better job of emotionally separating our close bond from lovers to friends.  I couldn't.  Friends just wasn't enough.  I tried... and it started to take it's emotional toll on me.  I told him I needed space and he agreed, but less than two weeks later either he was reaching out or I was and I had major setbacks each time.  People here told me... go total No Contact.. but my heart was hurting - how can my life just be void of him?  My head agreed but my heart just can't let go.  But each time I did notice the next day or two after contact I did a total emotional backslide - uber sad, crying, anxiety kicking up... so I told him again, I need space.  

Today he reached out again, wanted to chat Game of Thrones... well an innocent conversation turned into a deep realtionship conversation - did we make the right decision (the answer is YES, we both can't give each other what we need) and us confessing again that we love and miss each other but he did bottom line it for me that he is still in a bad place and he's trying to get better and he isn't sure what the future looks like, but more time away, while it doesn't change that he loves me, shows that maybe we didn't have the best foundation and he isn't sure we could work through those problems.  He's right... I know he is, but man was it a blow.  And I know if we tried to get back together it would just burn in a big pile of ruin.  

So once again I asked for No Contact, but told him I really need it.  I need months.  I can't handle this and it's really taking a toll on my mental wellness.  He agreed and told me he loved me, wished me well and said that if I ever get lonely to remember he'll be some where thinking of me.  While I understand this is better than F you, I never loved you, it breaks my heart all over again.  

So the point of my long rant is - NO CONTACT!  DO IT!  I am really going to try to rock it, because this is mental and emotional torture.  Please wish me luck, because I (we all) need it.  Thanks for listening.

-TM