Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi, - just going to jump right in - I just need some reality checks about a problem with communication. I have been with a man for over a year - 15 months. At first we were just dating but since August 2014 it has been a relationship. We spend almost every weekend together. Have met each others family.
Suddenly one month ago, we had a difficult weekend. We bickered a lot. About others' relationships. About communication between us. A few days later he said he needed to spend the rest of the month alone. He told me over the phone when I happened to call him. He seemed to attribute it to depression - which he has a history of but which I had yet to witness. I asked if we were breaking up but he said "no."
Since then, he has not seen me. He doesn't want me to come see him. If I text he will respond. but he won't text. He does not reply to emails. He never calls. ( he has never called on phone in the relationship, he will talk if I call him but he never reaches out in that way. he says it is because I once told him I don't like to talk on the phone- I call him about once every two weeks.) I have called him once a week since this started. He will talk, sometimes seem to not want to stop the conversation. I asked if this was a break up and he says "no." I ask if we will see each other again and he says "yes." but not when.
I may have said something to upset him - I was holding some feelings inside about him never communicating and they may have come out with hostility - but I keep asking if that is the case and he doesn't give that as the explanation.
I am trying to be patient and understanding. I am trying not to be needy - since he is the one who is depressed. I am trying to give him space. I am keeping myself busy, seeing friends, studying.
Is this lack of communication and explanation acceptable? Is this depression? Is this some other diagnosis? In the beginning of the relationship - we might go a couple of weeks without calling. But usually I relationship is quite passionate and sexy. He once said he was diagnosed with a shade of bipolar II but he has never done this before.
Still, is it acceptable that he would totally stop communicating without explanation. When I call or text, he says he welcomes it, but...I am so confused. Should I be worried. Should I ignore his requests to stay away and check on him? keep giving him space?
Suddenly one month ago, we had a difficult weekend. We bickered a lot. About others' relationships. About communication between us. A few days later he said he needed to spend the rest of the month alone. He told me over the phone when I happened to call him. He seemed to attribute it to depression - which he has a history of but which I had yet to witness. I asked if we were breaking up but he said "no."
Since then, he has not seen me. He doesn't want me to come see him. If I text he will respond. but he won't text. He does not reply to emails. He never calls. ( he has never called on phone in the relationship, he will talk if I call him but he never reaches out in that way. he says it is because I once told him I don't like to talk on the phone- I call him about once every two weeks.) I have called him once a week since this started. He will talk, sometimes seem to not want to stop the conversation. I asked if this was a break up and he says "no." I ask if we will see each other again and he says "yes." but not when.
I may have said something to upset him - I was holding some feelings inside about him never communicating and they may have come out with hostility - but I keep asking if that is the case and he doesn't give that as the explanation.
I am trying to be patient and understanding. I am trying not to be needy - since he is the one who is depressed. I am trying to give him space. I am keeping myself busy, seeing friends, studying.
Is this lack of communication and explanation acceptable? Is this depression? Is this some other diagnosis? In the beginning of the relationship - we might go a couple of weeks without calling. But usually I relationship is quite passionate and sexy. He once said he was diagnosed with a shade of bipolar II but he has never done this before.
Still, is it acceptable that he would totally stop communicating without explanation. When I call or text, he says he welcomes it, but...I am so confused. Should I be worried. Should I ignore his requests to stay away and check on him? keep giving him space?
If he does open up , you'll have to decide if they are issues you'll support his working through. Major commitment from each of you. SignificAnt for you, as you be signing up for something that is not yours.
If he doesn't open up? Why commit to someone that won't commit to you
IMHO, he is punishing you by giving you 'the silent treatment.' This is a common (classic textbook) tactic used by abusers. In the beginning, they are totally loving & charming, sweeping their 'source' off their feet. Next they do things that end up making the 'source' feel confused and off balance. They punish them in some way like giving them the silent treatment. Then they apologize and go back to treating them as if they loved them like no other. A long time can pass before they start in again. It's called grooming their victim and its a vicious cycle.
This is a HUGE red flag. And depression is not an acceptable excuse. If he needed time alone, as we all do at different times of our lives, he would have communicated it in a different way.
You cannot change or fix him. You loving him will never be enough. And people who exhibit this kind of behavior rarely (like less than 2%) ever change other than to get worse.
Please listen to your body, not your head. Listen to your inner knowing. You're asking about this probably because you need the validation that your inner knowing is right. It is. If it were me, I would run for the hills and never look back. Cuz the longer you stay, the worse he will get and the harder it will be to leave.
Please trust yourself above all, especially him, and go total No Contact. You deserve better so much better.
~wishing you healing~
I hope you will decide you do not deserve this kind of treatment and move on to someone who will at least communicate with you and make you feel loved.
Good luck