Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ive never done anything like this before but I'm at a point where I really have no one to talk to and express how I feel. I am a newly single mother to a 4 month old and a 4 year old, my ex of 7 years is an alcoholic and we separated when I was 8 months pregnant (April 2020). We have been on and off separating for the past two years hes very verbally abusive, always calling me names and accusing me when I literally did everything for him. I stayed home to watch our daughter so that he could advance in his career, he's very old-school so he doesn't do any cooking or cleaning so I did all that for him. He's been physically abusive, we've had situations with the police and child services and all our problems revolve around his drinking. He hides it, as spends all his money on it, gets drunk and breaks things in our apartment, he scares my oldest daughter. Finally I had enough when I was 8 months pregnant and he left me at the grocery store becuase he was drunk and in the same day drove and crashed his car with my 4 year old inside, he ended up going to the hospital and getting stiches, that coupled with the fact that my entire pregnancy he was horrible to me I packed his things and kicked him out. I am a child of divorce so my real only wish other than that my two girls are happy and healthy is to have a healthy co parent situation with him so the girls have a male figure in thier life, even though he is not a good role model he is still thier dad. I don't want anyone to really know about all the abuse is becuase for one if in the future we are able to co parents and do things for the kids I don't want any problems. Also i have all male cousins and uncles (my mom is the only girl with 5 brothers) and if they knew they would want to kick his ass. He has an addiction and I feel for him but hes not prioritizing his family alcohol comes first for him. Slowly Im telling my family and friends, minor details just that hes an alcoholic but nothing about the abuse, I feel like im living in a lie, I feel depressed and broken down all the time. We are living in a bad area, everything with covid, I'm starting to homeschool my daughter because she hasn't been assigned a teacher in virtual school yet. I feel like the world is spinning ans moving and I cant stand on my two feet and do what's right for my girls. Since after I had my daughter I started back smoking and im just very unmotivated and depressed. i keep telling myself the comeback is greater then the setback, and everyday plan to be better but then something makes me sad or I get fustrated with the kids and my motivation goes out the window. Life right now just sucks.
I commend you for putting your kids first. You sound like an amazing mother. It cannot be easy to balance out all of the responsibilities that sound like they are on your plate. Is it possible that you could open up and tell the truth about the extent of his addiction to your family, while also setting appropriate boundaries like, no retaliation please? The situation seems heated enough. Adding further threat of physical violence to any party involved would probably only complicate things more. I think you deserve to be able to tell the whole truth to someone you trust, without having to worry about anybody’s safety. But ultimately, only you can make that decision. If it’s not an option, at least you’ve told us.
You don’t have to go through this alone. I feel your pain and I relate to what you’re going through. It’s okay. I’m here to validate your feelings and listen to what you’re going through. Just keep trying to do your best and sort through your complicated feelings. I’m here for you! Hang in there! You’re doing a great job in a terrible situation.
i only know you are always doing best in your life, so one more chance and give back with your soul. i am with you the nature is with you.
but last thing when you get success then do for others, what you didn't get in you life. and remember people who support you
I had a several thoughts pop in my head as I read your post. First off I want to commend you for wanting a better life for your daughters, you seem like a very dedicated and loving mother.
You can from a divorce home, and you want a home for your girls that includes both parents. Just b/c there are 2 parents in a home, it doesn't mean it is a stable home. After reading about your ex's actions and alcoholism...I would say that keeping him in the home is more damaging to your children than having them there.
They will grow up seeing a man abuse, mistreat their mom, drive drunk, and act crazy. They will grow up conditioned to believe that these behaviors are "normal" and "familiar" and put up with it in their own relationships instead of seeing it as red flags (first hand knowledge).
In order for your to keep him around and endure him, you are also "losing" yourself. Every day you will sink deeper and deeper...and the "functional" parent - you will soon be another parent who will be emotionally checked out. So not only will they have a father who is a dangerous alcoholic...they will have a mom who is crumbling day by day from the uncertainty from being with someone like this.
This is where you need to listen to your intuition...and all the stuff screaming inside of you to STOP...and save yourself...and make good choices.
As for your family...I totally understand the shame...and fear of wanting to present a certain image of happiness....b/c afterall this is who you chose to love...and have kids with.
But...you are not responsible for his actions...or the backlash from it. Your family...they are probably wiser than you believe...and they are respecting the boundaries...until you want them to help.
But only confide in those that you trust. They don't need to beat him up...violence never made a drunk less drunk...or an asshole less an asshole.
Yes he is their dad...but dad needs to step up and clean up...seek help for his issues and addictions. Being a father is a privilege.
As for wanting a healthy coparenting situation...if you were to leave him, and meet someone else who will love, honor, and respect you and the girls...that is also an option in having a healthy parent.
I have a cousin who had a alcoholic father...and the mom was trying very hard to keep the appearance of a wholesome family. It took 9 years...of abuse for her to finally say enough. My cousin was so much happier to not having to come home to an unpredictable father. His mother did a great job of raising him.
As for you....bravo for kicking him out and taking a stand for you and your girls. It's very hard to stand up to an abuser.
You deserve so much better than someone who treats you and your children that way. You should be enjoying your new baby and the time you have with her...and not be stressed about this.
Sending you light and love..
You and your kids leaving may be the motivation he needs to be willing to get the help he obviously needs. Then again, maybe not. If not, then there will be no question in your mind a year from now that you made the right decision. If he does get help, and his sobriety sticks, then and only then is counseling and possible reconciliation a consideration. But, stick to your guns on this, as long as he is drinking, he's on his own! I had a friend that came to me for help many years ago, and the guy just could not stop drinking. He was 50 and kept showing up at his poor parents house. His parents would let him in, feed him, let him take a shower, gave him a bed to sleep in...they thought they were helping him! After they would go to bed he would go find all the hidden liquor and be passed out in the back yard the next morning. I got a call from his mother at her wits end. I told her that she had to cut him off completely, and get a restraining order. She was aghast! But, she followed through. I am happy to say that this friend, after 4 stays at the Salvation Army over a couple of years, has been sober for 8 years and he attributes his folks cutting off all of his escape routes (by way of the restraining order) as the thing that finally got him to the willingness to stop. It'll be tough because he is the father of your children, but you have to do what you have to do for you and your kids.