Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone -
Thanks goodness for this support group!!
I am so confused at the moment. A month ago, I separated from my husband of 15 years. I was the one who initiated the separation because, quite simply, I fell out of love. I wasn't expecting it to happen, and would have stayed in the relationship as it was a good relationship for the most part. I was surprised at how I just fell out of love just like that. I didn't respond to my feeling initially, and ignored it, and continued to operate as though I was still in love. But, I was finding it more and more difficult to be with him. I eventually started feeling irritable at every little thing - and that's when I knew I had to take action to separate. I certainly didn't want us to degenerate into critical, personality crushing episodes.
Sure, we had issues - as each relationship has. We had issues but for the most part worked through them over the years, some issues were never completely resolved, but I accepted that too. I accepted a fair bit, but then he did too - all relationships have a fair amount of acceptance (hopefully). But what I think - looking back now - is that perhaps I accepted a bit too much which was opposite to my character.
the only conclusion I can come to is that we are two very different people and I am changing my own direction. My career is changing and I am going through a number of personal changes that I had not expected. My dad says I'm going through a mid-life crisis - but I know that isn't it. Now, this is quite sad for me because I wanted to share many different things with my husband, but I admit, I had moments of loneliness, which seemed to get stronger in the falling out of love phase - which was about 2 or 3 months prior to my taking the action of separating. We don't have any children. We had been trying but it never worked out. My husband wanted them more than I did - but it's a mute point since it just didn't work out.
Now I know that he would have come with me in the change of direction - except for the children part - but it's like a part of me didn't even want to make the effort anymore.
After I separated, I started talking to a friend, who I haven't seen in in a couple of years - a guy friend. It was totally out of the blue. We were on skype and jut started chatting. I realised that the connection I felt with him was one that I had begun to yearn for in my marriage....and so the plot thickened. We have spoken every day since.
My friend has his own relationship issues to come to terms with, and I have mine - so it's good timing. But, my feelings for my friend have suddenly made me come alive again. Another thing I wasn't quite expecting. It turns out that he feels the same for me. But, we are taking things REALLY slow because we both need time to process the whirl of emotions.
Yes, I still put my marriage first - and can't quite trust the stability of the friend just yet. But, I'll keep it on the boil.
Anyway, so my husband and I met this weekend to talk through things. I find my guilt and doubt growing my the day - maybe I could have done this, maybe I could have done that. Failure all over the psyche. But if I am honest with myself, I see there was nothing more I could have done in the time of our relationship. Well, that's what I tell myself, but my feelings are just guilt, guilt, guilt for ruining a perfectly good and stable relationship.
So, my husband and I talked this weekend, and we agreed to no longer be married, and then suddenly all the pressure and expectations of 'marriage' and of what we had for each other lifted. I suddenly felt my love for him again. So, I was like, "Was my love just buried under a pile of expectations? Is that what happened over the years? We both cried a whole lot this weekend.
Mind you, it was a deep caring kind of love - not like a "Got to jump your bones now" kind of love.
Meanwhile, he has started dating already. I was a bit shocked that he moved so damn quickly. OK - so did I kind of...but shit! He also already took off his wedding ring. It's been a month for god's sake! Anyway, I haven't been able to take off my ring yet.
So, yeah I'm confused.
What keeps yanking me back is 'What if I totally fuck my life up now that he is not in it?" He was so stable and my rock, and I just pushed my rock away. I'm pretty scared actually...can I succeed on my own, and all those fears are popping up.
What are the stages of break up - what can I expect? Any words of wisdom would be most helpful.
Thanks goodness for this support group!!
I am so confused at the moment. A month ago, I separated from my husband of 15 years. I was the one who initiated the separation because, quite simply, I fell out of love. I wasn't expecting it to happen, and would have stayed in the relationship as it was a good relationship for the most part. I was surprised at how I just fell out of love just like that. I didn't respond to my feeling initially, and ignored it, and continued to operate as though I was still in love. But, I was finding it more and more difficult to be with him. I eventually started feeling irritable at every little thing - and that's when I knew I had to take action to separate. I certainly didn't want us to degenerate into critical, personality crushing episodes.
Sure, we had issues - as each relationship has. We had issues but for the most part worked through them over the years, some issues were never completely resolved, but I accepted that too. I accepted a fair bit, but then he did too - all relationships have a fair amount of acceptance (hopefully). But what I think - looking back now - is that perhaps I accepted a bit too much which was opposite to my character.
the only conclusion I can come to is that we are two very different people and I am changing my own direction. My career is changing and I am going through a number of personal changes that I had not expected. My dad says I'm going through a mid-life crisis - but I know that isn't it. Now, this is quite sad for me because I wanted to share many different things with my husband, but I admit, I had moments of loneliness, which seemed to get stronger in the falling out of love phase - which was about 2 or 3 months prior to my taking the action of separating. We don't have any children. We had been trying but it never worked out. My husband wanted them more than I did - but it's a mute point since it just didn't work out.
Now I know that he would have come with me in the change of direction - except for the children part - but it's like a part of me didn't even want to make the effort anymore.
After I separated, I started talking to a friend, who I haven't seen in in a couple of years - a guy friend. It was totally out of the blue. We were on skype and jut started chatting. I realised that the connection I felt with him was one that I had begun to yearn for in my marriage....and so the plot thickened. We have spoken every day since.
My friend has his own relationship issues to come to terms with, and I have mine - so it's good timing. But, my feelings for my friend have suddenly made me come alive again. Another thing I wasn't quite expecting. It turns out that he feels the same for me. But, we are taking things REALLY slow because we both need time to process the whirl of emotions.
Yes, I still put my marriage first - and can't quite trust the stability of the friend just yet. But, I'll keep it on the boil.
Anyway, so my husband and I met this weekend to talk through things. I find my guilt and doubt growing my the day - maybe I could have done this, maybe I could have done that. Failure all over the psyche. But if I am honest with myself, I see there was nothing more I could have done in the time of our relationship. Well, that's what I tell myself, but my feelings are just guilt, guilt, guilt for ruining a perfectly good and stable relationship.
So, my husband and I talked this weekend, and we agreed to no longer be married, and then suddenly all the pressure and expectations of 'marriage' and of what we had for each other lifted. I suddenly felt my love for him again. So, I was like, "Was my love just buried under a pile of expectations? Is that what happened over the years? We both cried a whole lot this weekend.
Mind you, it was a deep caring kind of love - not like a "Got to jump your bones now" kind of love.
Meanwhile, he has started dating already. I was a bit shocked that he moved so damn quickly. OK - so did I kind of...but shit! He also already took off his wedding ring. It's been a month for god's sake! Anyway, I haven't been able to take off my ring yet.
So, yeah I'm confused.
What keeps yanking me back is 'What if I totally fuck my life up now that he is not in it?" He was so stable and my rock, and I just pushed my rock away. I'm pretty scared actually...can I succeed on my own, and all those fears are popping up.
What are the stages of break up - what can I expect? Any words of wisdom would be most helpful.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Then you begin this conversation with someone on Skype, pretty much what we call here an "emotional" affair. But now you are angry because you've told your husband you don't want to be married anymore and he went out and found a new girlfriend. Now you think that you've made a mistake and you're upset that he's moved on so quickly.
My guess is he's sensed your distance for sometime and has felt unloved. When you said the marriage was over, he left.
I'm not sure what to advise. It sounds like you wanted him to hang around while you made up your mind.
My suggestion: if he will go to marriage counseling and you really want him back, then get counseling. You may be able to put this back together.
The loss of love must have been mutual in that case.
I understand your confusion. It sounds like you're not really sure what you want. I'm wondering if you have considered a trial separation with your husband? Perhaps it would be best if you got to know yourself and what you want and give him ample opportunity to do the same. I would suggest that neither of you should get involved with other people for an agreed upon amount of time (6 months? A year?). Give yourself a chance to see you marriage with a fresh perspective. There's no rush.
I hope your life turns out the way you want it to.
thanks for your response. Yes, it is indeed confusing times.
Yes, we are in a trail separation at the moment...
I suppose what I;m surprised about are all the negative feelings that come with it. I thought there would be a feeling of relief - but there just isn't. It's actually worse now than it was when we were together!
That is what is confusing.
Anyway, I'm sure time will clarify and tell :)
I find it rather disgusting that some people prey on the separated and divorced. That is just tasteless - worse than laughing at a funeral.
Can those people NOT email me. I am so not interested!!!!!