Its always sad when kids are involved. To me? You sound kind of selfish and are still in your own bubble of mememe. Granted, I am only going by what you have said here...but really, the kids are a great distraction, but they are also "not helping" when he comes to see them? What am I missing? They are 3 and 4 years old.

You had your whole marriage to take a "chance" to effectively communicate. And really, given that you had "no clue" what was going on in his head b/c he didn't open up leads me to believe that you were just fine as long as he was agreeing and not rocking the boat. Thus, making your life easier. And now that he's made his choice? You are quick to be sorry about you lack of communication and so on.

And that strong logical front that you are putting up? If you are putting it up to you STBX as well? How do you think that would make him feel? It probably comes off as you don't give a shit. If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to set your ego aside and lay out your cards and tell him how you truly feel and what YOU are willing to do to get this marriage back on track if at all possible. I'm sure he has things he can work on as well, but he clearly sees enough on your side of the street that isn't great that is making him want to bail.

And I'm sure he is more comfortable in his own way. Who wouldn't want to live where they didn't fear another argument? Another situation in which they felt compelled to agree in order to keep the peace?

And if one of your reason's for wanting to try with him again is b/c its going to be "so hard" to find love again given your age and kids? Smh....yeah, your head is still in a place of mememe. Get outside of yourself if you really want to make this work again, if he is willing. Look at things from his perspective. Be honest with him. Drop the hard-ass act and get real with whether you really want this marriage and him? Or you really just want to stay in that comfort zone of being married but not really being all in, in the way that one should be in a marriage.

Jen, we are exactly in the same situation. My wife decided that she wanted a divorce almost a year ago and just told me last week. I felt like I was being tested the past year and I failed. I must have been real dense that I didn't see it coming.

AurorasHope:
Wow, thought this was a support forum.But Ill take constructive criticism, as much as its going to hurt to hear. Theres a lot in my situation that youre assuming and would need to hear the whole story to understand. I can honestly say that I never realized my communication skills in my marriage were so poor. I always felt that I had to win the argument. Most arguments were started when he would always contradict everything that I would say, whether it was right or wrong. We would even argue when he would contradict the fact that I was telling him that he contradicted me a lot. In the last year I did in fact try to talk to him. I tried to get information from him as to why he wasnt as affectionate with me like before. He would just say that it was all work related and that he was stressed. I really wish he wouldve opened up then. I dont deny that I had moments of being selfish, and when my husband finally opened up with the things that were bothering him, it opened my eyes. I did in fact put myself in his shoes and then realized how badly I made him feel sometimes. Every little things that professional say to not do when communicating with your spouse, I did (winning an argument, bringing up the past, etc), and every little thing that professionals say to do when communicating with your spouse, my husband didnt (opening up, sharing your feelings) But it wasnt that way all the time. We would both have many times of selflessness and have great moments together.

The strong logical front is only something that people that dont know me get. Im trying to stay strong and make sense of all of this. But my husband has seen the vulnerable side of me that has realized what Ive done wrong and just wants a second chance to show that things can change. Ive made steps to work on me like seeing a therapist and even distancing myself from my parents after seeing that I was too close to them and it was damaging when they would meddle and I would let them. All of this was communicated to my husband and I only hope that he sees that Im willing to make changes. Not because I want to be in a comfort zone with him, but because I really do love him and cant imagine being with anyone else. It just scares me to think that its too little too late and that Ive have to venture out into the dating world once Im done working out my issues.

As far as my kidsI read back to see what was misinterpreted and saw that I couldve written that a little better. I absolutely love my kids and Im actually grateful that theyre little and dont really understand what it going on and just keep being little kids and keeping me busy. The part about them not helping is more on trying to stay strong for them and for me. Hearing them ask their daddy where hes going is hard to hear. Or when my 4 yr old sees a bride and groom kissing and asks if thats like me and daddy, makes it very hard to stay strong.

One final note: Anyone on this forum is going to have a mememe attitude, especially when you didnt even realize that your marriage was bad. You feel bad for yourself, especially when a separation is still so fresh. But I do agree that there were times that I shouldve taken a selfless step back. I really wish I can turn back the hands of time.

Somerdad:

I agree I feel like I was dense for not seeing what was going on right in front of me.

I too am victim of the logical front. I found my front was corroding on me and I needed a new avenue of support and that's how I found Daily Strength. If things don't workout you won't have a hard time finding love again. It sounds like you never gave up on love and there's a guy that will think you and your boys are the greatest thing ever. That's what I've been telling myself that they'll love you for you. Just keep being strong.

Oh goodness, reading your post certainly touched my heart, as I too have experienced this awkward, heartwrenching feeling. I have a young son whom my husband makes no effort to see, however. The night before my Dad passed away last Oct, husband stated in front of my son that he was " not sure what he wanted." This is our 20th year together and I was totally mortified, concerned for my son and hurt doubly as Ispent 2 weeks prior in vigil for my ailing dad. My son was and still is reeling from that moment and we have had such a hard time as we watch and feel the distance build.
In later conversation, husband said he just wants to live like he is in his 20s (is 51) and "see our son when he can." It is so, so hard and hurtful as my opinion is that his behavior is extremely selfish and bizarre. He doesn't call and even missed sons birth day totally. I attempted Thanksgiving and Easter get together...and horrible memories resulted, for my son, especially. H literally said "it is just another day!!!!." Very confusing. I feel like I will never be the same and I am celebrating the days I acutally shower, I feel soooooo horrible. We must go on somehow, though!!!
I wish you luck as these days come and go.

I am so sorry for what is happening in your and your son's life right now. That original post of mine was almost 4 years ago. I've done a lot of healing since then. There are still days where there is stress and sadness but they are more spread out now. If you need any advice or just someone to vent to please feel free to add me to your friends list. We can be each others support when we need it. Take care of yourself and your son.

Jen

I'm the one who has those feelings and yes I basically feel like so many years have been a test for not only him but myself and we both failed he more than me but I take plenty of responsibility. I fell out of love eventually. I begged him for years to make changes in all ways possible begging pleading threatening nothing worked until I finally broke and said I'm done and now for me it's too late praying you can find strength to move on and adjust

Thanks, Jen! So glad yto know you ate feeling better.
I am brand new to this site and didn't realize the timing of your post...thank you for responding. I will investigate how to "friend" and certainly look forward to contact, thanks.
I must say I felt sadness when reading that it seemed you were taking all blame and sought chance to redeem in some way. I interpreted a coldness from HIM and it is just never ok to turn back on children, family for selfish gain....that is HIS failure, drama and shortcoming. I may be jaded presently, but it is cruelty to cause such paun to the people who love him the most on the planet simply to play out some sort of personal crisis and pursuit of other women.
I hope you and kiddos are ok!!

Again typos galore...sprry!