It's been 17 months since reality hit me that I didn't want to be married any more, 12 months since I told him it was over, and 8 months since he moved out.  In all those months in between, we both went to counselling, separately and together, but all I discovered was the strength I needed to face my truth.  I haven't felt this free in all my life. I married at 21, and after 25 years together I finally admitted out loud what I knew inside.  We were so young, we grew in different directions, and the biggest one for me was that he had issues that needed dealing with which directly affected our relationship on a regular basis.  For 25 years he flat out refused to get counselling.  When I told him that the marriage was in crisis, he finally went to counselling, but the damage was done, I was emotionally disconnected from him and it wasn't coming back.  We tried, but once I realized that I couldn't give him what he wanted I made the decision and haven't regretted it for a moment.

The challenge, however, is that we have two children, one is still a teenager. My ex seems to think that the best way to deal with this is to find a replacement as fast as possible, and also to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.  I hate the way my kids have to be the go-between because he refuses to communicate with me.

I'm having a little problem letting go of feeling responsible for his emotional well-being... I spent a quarter of a century trying to boost his self-esteem and make him feel good about himself. It's harder than I thought to let go of that. I worry about his emotional well-being and how the next woman is going to find herself in the same situation where he's going to rely on her to feel loved and wanted.  I so wish that he would have stuck with the counselling and learned that he needs to love himself - something he's never done. 

In the meantime, I'm finally able to be true to myself, free of criticism and no longer a door-mat!  I'm excited to see what this new year will bring for me!